Are you looking for some crazy pickup lines guaranteed to get women into bed?
Or some killer moves in bed that will drive women wild once you get them there?
If so, you’ve come to the right place!
I’m finally going to give you the straight dope:
YOU’RE A KNUCKLEHEAD!
Stop wasting your time on stupid clickbait gimmicks that don’t work.
What most women want is for you to get out of their face, because you’re not the man they’re looking for. Buuut, if they’re actually looking for a man, then what they’re looking for is quite simple:
The right man for them
And you’re probably not it. Because there are a lot of different women out there, and they’re looking for a lot of different types of men. But don’t give up. You are the right man for some woman, if you’re willing to put some effort into it.
Meanwhile, here are some of the general categories of what women who are seeking a man really want in a man:
- Some women want a man who will protect them, provide for them, and tell them what to do. (Sorry, feminists, but it’s true.)
- Some women want a man that they can help, take care of, make a home for, and generally wrap their lives around, while still having a say in things.
- Some women want a man with whom they can be full equal partners and move forward together on a shared path in life.
That’s what women are really looking for. And your job is to find the right woman for you—and more importantly, to be the right man for her.
Women who desire a husband who will rule over them
No, this is not just a male fantasy. There are women out there—quite a few women, in fact—who want a strong, dominant male figure who will be the boss, protect them, and provide for them.
Do I recommend this type of relationship?
But ever since the Fall of Humankind described in Genesis 3 in the Bible, it has been one of the most common types of marriage relationships. And it continues to be common right up to this day, even in liberal Western societies that have made great strides toward gender equality.
Further, it’s a feminist fantasy to think that this arrangement is perpetuated solely by men. The stubborn reality is that there are many “traditional” women who want a “traditional” man who will be the head of the household, making and enforcing the rules while being the breadwinner and protector of the family. For many women, this type of relationship feels comfortable, safe, and secure.
There is even a subculture within conservative Christianity that practices “Christian domestic discipline,” meaning that the husband literally, physically disciplines his wife when she breaks the rules. Its adherents emphasize that this arrangement must be fully consensual on the part of both the wife and the husband. And as strange as it may seem, it is not usually the husband, but is much more often the wife who requests this arrangement in the marriage—and even has to convince her husband that it is okay and that she really wants this from him. (But no, the Bible never says anything about men disciplining their wives.)
This arrangement is by no means limited to conservative Christianity. I once read an interview in a secular magazine in which a woman spoke admiringly of her man: “When I’m bad, he spanks me. When I’m good, he makes me feel like a woman.”
What these women do not want is a man who disrespects and abuses them. Domestic violence is condemned in this “traditional relationship” community just as it is elsewhere.
What these women do want is a strong man who will be the boss, enforce the rules, and make them behave when they get “bratty” or start doing stupid and dangerous things. They want an authority figure who will keep them on a good path. So they want a man who is strong not only physically and psychologically, but morally as well.
In short, in its most positive form (if it can be called that), this type of relationship is appealing to women who want to be good, but who feel that they need an authority figure over them to make them be good. Contemporary psychology might say that it is appealing to women who have never fully grown up. Perhaps a more neutral way of putting it is that these women have an authority-based cultural mindset.
And if these women can find a man who has the moral, psychological, and physical strength to direct their lives, to discipline them when they go wrong, and to reward them when they are good—while being a good protector and provider as well—they will be happy as a clam in the relationship.
Some people, including some women, want to look up to and obey someone with greater power and authority.
Yes, this type of relationship is all about obedience.
(Of course, there are also some women who want to be dominant and have a man who will obey them. Any man who wants that sort of relationship can find a woman who will give it to him.)
Men who want a submissive woman
So, guys, do you really want a woman who vows to “love, cherish, and obey” you?
Once again, I don’t particularly recommend this type of relationship. For one thing, any man in such a relationship will never know what it is like to be with a woman who is fully his equal as a person, and who contributes just as much to the relationship as he does. The relationship will always weigh heavier on his shoulders. Overall, it will be as much a parent/child relationship as a husband/wife relationship. With power comes responsibility. And in this type of relationship, the woman cedes both power and responsibility to the man.
However, the good news is that if that is really the type of relationship you want, there are women out there who will gladly have that type of relationship with you.
The bad news is that you’re going to have to work hard for it. Lazy, sloppy, weak-willed, and morally questionable men need not apply.
If you think you’re going to have a woman who will love, cherish, and obey you, financially support you, and put up with your bad temper and your stupidity, then you’re living in a fantasy world. And if you think you’re going to smack a woman around and she’s going to love you for it, you might as well check yourself into losers’ row right now—or better yet, just sign up for your jail time and skip the domestic violence part.
If you want a woman who desires a dominant man and you want your relationship with her to be stable and long-lasting, at minimum you’re going have to:
- Have a solid, reliable income
- Work hard at your job, and keep moving upwards in it
- Do the heavy lifting and the handyman jobs around the house
- Have a strong moral compass, and consistently live by it yourself
- Be strong-willed, but also honest, respectful, and fair in your dealings
- And for a woman who is religious, you must have a strong faith in God
If a woman who wants a strong, dominant man doesn’t see these things in you day in and day out, first she’ll lose respect for you and then she’ll dump you for a man she can respect and look up to.
Do you want a woman who will love, cherish, and obey you as long as you both shall live?
Then you’d better get to work on yourself and become the sort of strong, upstanding man that this kind of woman really wants.
Women who want to be a man’s helper
Conservative Christians and other traditional types often see only two types of marriage relationships:
- Traditional marriages in which the man is dominant and the woman is submissive
- Non-traditional marriages in which the man and woman are fully equal
See, for example, this article on a conservative Christian website: “Summaries of the Egalitarian and Complementarian Positions.”
However, as with most things in life, marriage relationships do not reduce down to simple blacks and whites. There is a whole spectrum of different kinds of relationships. And between the poles of male dominance and female submission on one end, and full gender equality on the other, there is a large middle position.
That position is expressed in the second Creation story in the Bible, in Genesis 2, where woman is created out of man as “a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18).
This is probably the most common type of romantic and marriage relationship in the more liberal and westernized cultures all around the world today.
Many women want a relationship in which they can look up to their husband or boyfriend, he’ll generally take the lead, and she’ll generally follow, help, and support him, but in which she can also live her own life, make many of her own choices, and have her own voice in the relationship.
Practically speaking, in this type of relationship the man generally works full-time and makes more money than the woman, but the woman also has a job and her income supplements his. If they move, it’s most likely for him to take advantage of a better job opportunity. And yet, she may have her own career that is perhaps less consuming than his, and may involve only part-time work, but that also gives her a sense of satisfaction and some money of her own.
What these women do not want is a man who will be her boss and tell her what to do with her life. And they certainly don’t want a man who will punish her when she is “bad.”
While generally wrapping their lives around their husband’s more than the other way around, these women still want to feel like their life and choices are their own, and that their voice and viewpoint is heard and respected in the relationship, even if it may not carry quite as much weight as her husband’s voice and viewpoint.
In other words, these relationships are somewhere in between relationships based on obedience and relationships based on full equality.
What these women really want is a man who can take the lead, provide a good, steady income, and generally be strong, thoughtful, and competent, while also respecting her as a woman who has her own skills and abilities, and who can make her own real contribution to the relationship and to the world.
(Of course, there are also some women who want to take the lead, and have a man whose life will revolve around her life and career. And some men are perfectly content with that arrangement.)
Men who want a woman as a helper
So, guys, do you want a woman who can stand on her own two feet and who has her own life, but who will generally wrap her life around yours, loving you, helping you, and supporting you in your life and career?
If so, you’re in luck! There are plenty of women who want this type of relationship.
And yet, you still have work to do.
Once again, if you’re lazy, sloppy, weak-willed, and morally questionable, you’re not going to be able to attract and hold a woman who wants this type of relationship. (Come to think of it, you probably won’t be able to attract and hold any woman.)
You don’t have to be a dominant macho man to have a good relationship with a woman who wants this middle type of relationship. But you still have to:
- Work hard at your job and have a solid, reliable income
- Help out around the house and do some heavy-lifting
- Have a good moral compass, and live by it yourself
- Be honest, respectful, and fair in your dealings with people
- Respect and honor your wife, and listen to her views and her wishes
- And for a woman who is religious, you should ideally be religious also
In one way, the demands of this relationship are not quite as high on you if you are the man. You don’t have to always run the show, and you don’t have to be responsible for both your own behavior and your wife’s behavior. Her contributions to the relationship are greater financially, morally, and socially. She really is a help and support to you rather than being a dependent that you must support.
And yet, the psychological and spiritual requirements on you as a person are higher. You can’t just lay down the law and expect your wife to listen and obey. You must work things out with her, and consider her viewpoint, her needs, and her understanding of things whenever there are major decisions to be made. There is more give and take in this type of relationship, which means that you must be more willing and able to adapt, grow, and change within the relationship.
And that, I believe, is a good thing. This type of more equal relationship is a better forum for psychological and spiritual growth than relationships in which the man is dominant and the woman is submissive to him. It requires more human interaction and mutual understanding, and therefore brings about greater spiritual growth and maturity in both partners day by day.
In short, this type of relationship is not about obedience, but about mutual understanding that grows and deepens over the years.
The original ideal of marriage
So far we’ve covered two types of marriage relationships:
- Relationships in which one partner (usually the man) is dominant, and the other (usually the woman) is submissive
- Relationships in which one partner’s life (usually the woman’s) revolves around the other partner’s life (usually the man’s)
Throughout the vast bulk of recorded human history, these two types of relationships were, for all practical purposes, the only types of marriages that existed.
And yet, the very beginning of the Bible suggests the possibility of a third type of marriage relationship. In the first Creation story, in Genesis 1:26–27, we read:
Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”
So God created humankind in his image,
in the image of God he created them;
male and female he created them.
Here, unlike in the second Creation story in Genesis 2, there is no creating of woman out of man, and no designating of woman as a helper for man. Still less is there any hint of husbands ruling over their wives, which happened as a result of the Fall narrated in Genesis 3.
Instead, man and woman are created together, both in the image and likeness of God, and both are given the task together of having dominion over everything on earth.
Yes, the original ideal of man, woman, and their relationship to one another was of full equality with each other and of shared dominion over the rest of creation. (But for those of you who don’t like the idea of humans ruling nature, you can also read the story metaphorically to mean taking control of and being responsible for our own emotions, thoughts, and actions, represented symbolically by the animals and plants in the Creation story.)
I am happy to say that this type of marriage relationship has finally begun to re-emerge into human society in recent times.
Women who want an equal partnership with a man
Today, more and more women want an equal partnership with a man, in which neither is dominant, neither is the leader, but both move forward together on a shared path in life.
Of the three general types of marriage relationships covered here, this one is the most difficult to achieve—but also the deepest and most rewarding.
It is difficult to achieve for both social and psychological reasons.
Socially, there is little precedent for this sort of marriage. For thousands of years human society has been built around unequal marriage relationships. This gender inequality has been seen not only as normal and natural, but as established by God to be the proper form of marriage. As a result, there are very few examples of this fully equal type of marriage relationship to look to as models. And the social and legal structures of society have only very recently begun to recognize and support this type of marriage.
Psychologically and spiritually, this type of relationship is difficult to achieve because it requires the deepest and fullest level of motivation, commitment, and drive from both partners. Both must be 100% dedicated to the relationship—heart, head, and hands—for it to work. Neither can lean on the other to control or even lead the relationship, and to pick up the slack. Both must be fully mature and self-responsible adults contributing equally to the relationship in love, in thoughtfulness, and in active service to one another and to their common goals and ideals.
In other words, being in a fully equal relationship requires two mature and spiritually growing adults who do not measure or direct their lives by external social standards or expectations, but who are both motivated by an inner love and integrity of character that drives and shapes everything they think, feel, and do.
That’s not easy to achieve even for one person, let alone for two people together.
For two people together, an equal partnership means that each partner is already driven by loves and goals in life that she or he would pursue regardless of whether anyone shared that path. And it means that the two must be of one mind in those loves and goals, so that neither is following the other, but both are pressing forward strongly together on the same shared path.
If it were up to us human beings, I doubt that such a fantastically unlikely relationship would ever exist.
But I believe that God is at work in the souls of men and women today, shaping their hearts and minds for each other from an early age, and bringing them together when the time is right. For those women and men who long for a fully equal, fully mutual, and fully committed and loving relationship with a true partner in marriage, and who are willing to do the hard personal work required to achieve it, I believe God makes such marriage relationships possible.
And of all these three general types of marriage relationships, this one requires the most commitment and the most work. It is not held together by social structures and the outside world. It requires us to delve deep into our own mind and heart to face and overcome all of the physical, social, psychological, and spiritual barriers that stand in the way of achieving such a deep union with another human being.
What does an equal partnership look like?
If this type of marriage is difficult to achieve, it is also difficult to describe.
That’s because while the other two types of relationships follow fairly standard patterns based on traditional social norms of marriage, marriages of full equality are highly varied and individual to the particular couples.
In these relationships one partner may make more money than the other, but that will not be seen as a reason for one to be dominant or take the lead over the other. Rather, it will be seen as a division of labor in the relationship.
Sometimes these marriages may look just like traditional marriages from the outside. The man supports the family while the woman raises the children. But the woman’s work in raising the children will be seen as equally important to the shared goals of the couple as the man’s earning a living. And sometimes the traditional roles will reverse, the woman earning the living and the man raising the children. But once again, both together will be pursuing common goals, only with a non-traditional division of labor.
Sometimes these marriages will involve one partner making the bulk of the income in order to support the other partner in pursuing goals or ideals that the two share in common, such as bringing about political, social, or spiritual change in the world, or doing charitable work that expresses the ideals of the couple for creating a better society.
Sometimes both will contribute equally to the finances, each pursuing a distinct career that both are equally enthusiastic about.
Sometimes the two will be business partners, working together to build, direct, and nurture a company, whether for-profit or non-profit, that they believe is accomplishing some good in the world.
And these are just some of the financial variations in these equal partnership marriages. If we started to explore their psychological, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual variations, there would not be enough time in the day—or even in a year—to describe them all.
When man and woman are fully equal, fully committed, and fully loving partners as God originally created them to be, the variations in their marriage relationships are as endless as the variety in human beings themselves.
Men and women who want equal partnerships
As I said earlier, this type of relationship requires 100% commitment from both partners.
But it also requires something more than the other two types of relationships.
It requires both the man and the woman to center their lives around love. And in its fullest expression, it requires them both to center their lives around God.
In traditional religious and social thinking, the woman represents the love and emotion side of a relationship, while the man represents the truth and intellect side. And one of the core reasons humanity has not achieved gender equality, or even attempted to achieve it until very recently, is that in previous ages we have valued truth, intellect, and law over love, emotion, and relationship. The truth, and learning, following, and being obedient to the truth, was considered the primary goal of a God-fearing human being, and of human society generally. Love and emotion were seen as pleasant add-ons.
But Jesus Christ laid the foundation for a whole different—and distinctly higher—type of society in this exchange with the religious authorities of his day:
Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:34–40)
In contrast to the millions of pages that have been written about truth, faith, the law, and so on, Jesus said that true religion, and true spirituality, is centered on love: love for God and love for our fellow human beings.
Only when we believe that love, not truth (as important as it is), is the center and soul of everything, and the most important quality in a human being and in human society, can we see women’s character and contributions as being equally vital and important to society and to our marriage relationships as men’s character and contributions.
Truth, you see, distinguishes and divides, and creates hierarchies in which one person, belief, or ideal is superior to another.
But love unifies and brings together, and values each and every person and group as essential to the full variety, harmony, and power of the community and of human society as a whole.
When mutual love is at the center of our life, it eliminates the need for hierarchies, dominance, submission, leaders, and followers, and seeks to unite all together in a common and equal bond of unity.
Marriages based on the oneness of spiritual love
Realistically speaking, that’s not going to happen in the broader society here on earth any time soon.
But within a marriage relationship between two people, it can happen.
And it can happen for men and women who are moved from the heart to love one another, their fellow human beings, and God as the primary purpose of their existence.
Although traditional gender roles assign love and emotion to women, and truth and intellect to men—and that’s not entirely wrong—it is also true that men have hearts of love just as women do, and women have thinking minds just as men do. And when we each focus our life on what our heart of love prompts us to feel, think, and do, we bind ourselves closely together with one another in love and understanding.
That’s why a marriage that is an equal partnership must be based on a shared love deep in the hearts of both partners that prompts them to live, work, and travel together to accomplish shared goals in life, guided by a shared perspective on God, spirit, human society, and the universe in general.
Marriage in the truest and deepest sense is a full union of hearts and minds that brings two people together physically as well. It is a relationship in which two people walk together side by side toward common goals and ideals. The strengths of one complement the weaknesses of the other so that together they have greater strength and effectiveness in following their loves, putting their skills and experience to use, and achieving their goals in life.
In true spiritual marriages, neither partner has to rule or lead the other because both together are moved from within by united hearts and minds that seek the same goals and travel the same path.
In marriages like these, though there are two people, really they are one.
For further reading:
- What are the Roles of Men and Women toward Each Other and in Society?
- Man, Woman, and the Two Creation Stories of Genesis
- “Wives, submit to your husbands.”
- A New Model of Manhood
- How to Know if Mr. or Ms. Right is Right for You: Pointers from Gloria and Emilio Estefan
- How does Marriage Fit In with a Spiritual Life? Is There Marriage in Heaven?
- How to Attract the Opposite Sex—and Keep ’Em