Here’s a Spiritual Conundrum submitted to Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life by a reader named Kimberly:
How come some people are blessed with beauty, while others aren’t as beautiful aesthetically?
I guess I feel it’s unfair, how God made some people incredibly beautiful, while others are just average.
Okay, so I have a question for you, Kimberly:
Are you trying to get me into trouble with all the women and girls in the world?!?
But seriously . . . it’s a great question! At least, all the women I’ve mentioned it to so far think it is. And there are probably a lot of men who think the same thing, whether or not they’ll admit it.
Which woman will be more successful?
Study after study shows that people who are beautiful are more successful financially, socially, intellectually, politically, and romantically than people who are not so beautiful. People who are beautiful also generally have a better self-image, and are more likely to approach everything they do with a belief that they will be successful. And though it certainly doesn’t guarantee success, the power of positive thinking does make people more likely to succeed.
So you may be surprised to hear that I agree with you. By almost any measure you care to make, it’s not fair that God made some people incredibly beautiful, and others just average.
Fairness comes only in the things that can’t be measured: spiritual things.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
First, let’s just admit that this is a real problem for many, many people, both women and men. Especially if you are a young woman just starting out in life, it can feel like your whole life depends on whether you were born with beautiful genomes, or whether your genetic roll of the dice came out snake eyes. And no matter who you are, your looks can have a major impact on your life.
This world isn’t fair
News flash! In this world, fairness is more the exception than the rule.
- Some people are born rich, others are born poor.
- Some people are born healthy, others are born with genetic diseases.
- Some people have loving parents, others have abusive parents.
- Some people have high intelligence, others have low intelligence.
- Some are born with natural beauty, others are not so beautiful.
No matter how much we may attempt to bring fairness into human society, all around us we see unfairness, and even injustice. How is it fair that some people start out with all the advantages, while others have two strokes against them from the moment they’re born?
We can’t answer all of those questions right now. So let’s focus on the question at hand. To use Kimberly’s words, why are some people are blessed with beauty, while others aren’t as beautiful aesthetically?
There are many reasons given for this, such as:
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.
Different societies have different standards of beauty. For example, present-day Western standards of beauty generally require women to be very slender. But Middle Eastern cultures are more likely to prize fleshy, full-bodied women. Given that standards of beauty vary, can we really say that one woman (or man) is beautiful, and another is not?
If everyone were beautiful, nobody would be beautiful.
The Women’s Bath, by Albrecht Durer, 1496
We see beauty more clearly in contrast to lesser beauty and to ugliness. In a crowd of not so beautiful people, those who are beautiful stand out, and we appreciate their beauty more. That’s why classic artwork sometimes shows a beautiful woman surrounded by women who are less beautiful and even ugly according to societal standards of beauty at the time. And in today’s popular movie industry, the leading female characters are likely to be the most beautiful women on the cast, and plain women are included in order to emphasize the beauty of the leading lady.
Beauty is skin deep. Inner beauty is what really counts.
You can’t judge a book by its cover. A person who is physically beautiful may be vain, selfish, egotistical, and generally ugly in character. The true measure of a woman (or man) is her character. In the end, people who are kind, loving, and thoughtful will be more loved and more fulfilled in life than those who are physically beautiful but spiritually repellent.
Yes, but what about fairness?
All of these are good and valid points. They offer perspectives that can help us to sort out issues of physical beauty, average looks, and ugliness in our minds.
But they still don’t address the issue of fairness.
How is it fair that beautiful people have so many advantages over those who are less beautiful, or are physically disfigured?
And even though societal standards of beauty may vary, the practical reality is that we live in particular societies that have particular standards of beauty. If we measure up to those standards of beauty, it gives us social, financial, political, and sexual advantages over those who don’t.
Besides, it’s a little too facile to say that beauty is just arbitrary. In fact, studies show that beauty is a general physical indicator of health, intelligence, and reproductive fitness. Beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder. It is also linked to real physical and mental advantages. (And incidentally, faces that are an average of many faces are considered more beautiful than those that are very different from the norm.)
Finally, though people who have good character but not physical attractiveness certainly can and do achieve success, they have to be more determined and work harder to achieve it. Meanwhile, those who are both beautiful and have strong character still have the advantage.
How is this fair?
And to take up Kimberly’s question, why did God make some people incredibly beautiful, while others are just average?
Physical fairness vs. spiritual fairness
Fairness is a human concept and a human virtue.
Throughout nature, there is no such thing as fairness. In nature, the young and strong prevail, while the old and weak die. In nature, physical beauty and power also give great advantages. The male peacock with the most beautiful feathers will get the females. And the healthiest and strongest male lion will get all of the available female lions, while lesser males must live as loners with no reproductive and genetic future.
Despite all the platitudes about how physical beauty doesn’t matter, the fact is that it does matter not only in the world of nature, but in the world of human culture, business, finance, and politics.
Which woman will be more successful?
So let’s just admit that when it comes to our place in the material world and in human society here on earth, beauty does matter, and it’s not fair that some people have great physical beauty while others do not.
If your focus is on success in the material world, there is no fairness. If you’re beautiful, you have a big advantage. If you’re not, you’re going to have to work a lot harder—and even if you do, you’ll probably be less successful than if you were beautiful.
Fairness is a human concept because fairness is a spiritual concept, and it exists only in spiritual things, not material things.
Yes, it’s true that God created a world in which people who are incredibly beautiful have an advantage over those who are just average. We call that world the material world.
But God also created a world in which not only physical beauty, but material, social, financial, and political success do not give any advantages. In that world, even a naturally good, pleasant, and sociable character doesn’t give any advantages. We call that world the spiritual world.
Physical beauty gives no spiritual advantages
Materially, there is no fairness except whatever fairness we humans manage to impose on an unfair world.
But spiritually, those who are beautiful have no advantage at all over those who are not.
In fact, spiritually, physical beauty can even be a negative.
Women who are very beautiful often depend on their beauty for their livelihood.
- Some use their beauty to catch a wealthy man who will support them.
- Some use their beauty to launch a career in modeling or acting.
- Some use their beauty to support themselves through stripping or pornography.
- And of course, some use their beauty to secure advancement in business or politics.
To the extent that a woman’s livelihood depends upon her physical beauty, she must spend a great deal of time and money cultivating and preserving her beauty. In fact, it commonly becomes the primary focus of her life. She will spend hours and hours each day grooming herself and tending to her physical health, and will spend thousands of dollars on beauty products, beauty salons, and cosmetic surgery.
Certainly it is a good idea to tend to the health and fitness of our physical body. But people who possess great beauty can become so focused on their physical beauty that it pulls them away from any kind of spiritual, emotional, and intellectual development.
How can a woman (or a man, for that matter) develop as a person if nearly every waking moment is spent focused on her physical body and her physical beauty? Where is the time for reading and contemplation, for thought and intellectual development, for focusing on the human relationships and spiritual growth that truly matter, and that make us truly human and not just a highly successful species of animal?
Yes, as much as physical beauty provides an unfair advantage in the material and social world, it can easily become a huge distraction and disadvantage spiritually.
Spiritual fairness
Spiritually speaking, those who have physical beauty have no advantage at all over those who don’t. Spiritually, there is no unfairness. Because spiritually, what counts is developing a character that includes love, understanding, and a dedication to serving and caring for our fellow human beings.
Beauty is a God-given blessing. But only for those who are not focused on their beauty. People with great physical beauty can just as easily use it for selfish ends—to get money, power, sex, and success for themselves—as they can for selfless purposes, such as bringing enjoyment and happiness to others.
Spiritually speaking, beauty is a blessing for those who devote their lives to loving and serving their fellow human beings, but a curse for those who devote their lives—and their beauty—to their own wealth, power, and pleasure.
Spiritually speaking, people who are born with just average looks, or even with ugly and disfigured faces, are at no disadvantage compared to those who have great physical beauty. In fact, if those who suffer from physical disadvantages don’t become bitter and envious, their “average looks” can be a spiritual advantage to them. As they struggle to overcome their natural disadvantages, they can and commonly do develop a depth of character, love, and compassion for their fellow human beings that is often lacking in people who were born with all the material advantages of beauty, wealth, and power.
Spiritually speaking, God is 100% fair. Whatever our physical advantages and disadvantages may be, we can still choose to focus our life on love and understanding rather than on selfishness and bitterness.
This world is unfair. It favors the beautiful, the rich, and the powerful over the average, the poor, and the powerless.
But when we arrive at the doorstep of our eternal home in the spiritual world, none of that will matter.
God and the angels will not ask us how beautiful we were, how much money we made, how much power we had, or how good our sex was.
Instead, they will ask us what we did with our beauty or with our average looks. They will ask whether we developed the inner beauty that comes from love, compassion, understanding, concern, and practical service to our fellow human beings.
And you know what?
In the spiritual world, where we will live forever, our face and body will be beautiful, average, or ugly depending on whether we have become a beautiful, average, or ugly person in spirit through our life and our choices here on earth.
Which would you rather have:
- Physical beauty that lasts only a few decades? Or,
- Beauty in both body and spirit that lasts forever?
This article is a response to a spiritual conundrum submitted by a reader.
You might also enjoy:
- Dani Mathers, Body-Shaming, and How to Develop Beauty
- Will My Body be the Right Weight and Appearance in the Afterlife?
- How to Attract the Opposite Sex—and Keep ’Em
- How does Marriage Fit In with a Spiritual Life? Is There Marriage in Heaven?
- Can Gang Members Go to Heaven? (Is Life Fair?)
- Heaven, Regeneration, and the Meaning of Life on Earth
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Lee Woofenden is an ordained minister, writer, editor, translator, and teacher. He enjoys taking spiritual insights from the Bible and the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg and putting them into plain English as guides for everyday life.
Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life 
Short sighted. It doesn’t stop at average, some people are UGLY and poor and dumb and
uncoordinated etc. There maybe sitcoms about it but a real life like that is humiliating and
frustrating etc. It is not funny. Look at the sermon on the mount, Christ is talking about our
reaction to what happens to us, He doesn’t care how we suffer because of these things.
Hi Lee,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. Yes, some people do get the short end of the stick. No doubt about it. And society can be very unkind to them. But even the “ugly, poor, dumb, and uncoordinated” have a choice about whether to become bitter and defeated due to their looks and circumstances or whether to make something of their life despite their circumstances.
Curious posts in general. Sexist, to be sure, to focus on any woman’s looks. This same view is almost never applied to men. No one has any control over how they are born in this life. Women who are born “beautiful” – and let us please admit this is all highly subjective from the start – are often subject to abuse from men and envy from women. “Beauty” is a double-edged sword. When we treat women like objects, we all fail. Better to focus on the sin in this world, the evil done to women and children, at the hands of vile men and women. How do we heal human sin and sickness? Most in my view stems from jealousy and envy, the same things “beautiful” women are subjected to, that the media manipulates daily. It manipulates the lust for “beauty” by pretending this is the most a woman can hope for, to be “beautiful”. To uphold “beauty” as a leveraging tool manipulated by “beautiful” women is to turn “beauty” into a desirable asset when it clearly comes equipped with thorns. What is beauty? Who is more “beautiful” than another? What makes her physically appealing? Why is this important? You more or less get it right, in this world, this trait can win women – and men – various things the world deems important. Clearly inner qualities such as you lay out are more important. Women are treated so badly still simply by the focus being on their outer and not inner appearance. Again nothing men are subjected to for the most part. Such emphasis can lead to objectification, abuse, and is certainly the basis for pornography. Let us all be careful of how we define outer beauty, what values we want society to deem important, and work on creating a world in which inner beauty, indeed, is what counts. This will never happen, but we can slowly change hearts and minds by being that standard ourselves. Physical beauty is only important to this world. And, most beautiful women – so-called – will pay for that beauty. I had a gorgeous friend who was harassed at work by a man and hated by her female co-workers. Is she lucky? Satan’s playground has a way of making people pay for how they are born, through no fault of their own. The above is solely my opinion.
Hi bravegirl72,
Thanks for your thoughts. It’s good to hear from you again. I hope things are going well for you.
Interesting article.
If a person is born lets say quite physically unattractive not average but actually ugly then that person will have emotional and mental issues because of such a situation.
This will thenmake it harder to be spiritually beautiful as they will be or could be emotionally or mentally crippled.
If a person does not love and accept themselves they can not easily love others
So inadvertently by god allowing physical unfairness the result IS spiritual unfairness
I disagree with your conclusion on thos basis
Hi Tony,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughts.
And yet . . . many people who are, by their society’s standards, quite physically unattractive live very good and satisfying lives. It is a choice to become bitter rather than making the best of our situation, whatever that situation might be. Different people have different struggles. For some it is physical, for others it is social, for others it is mental, for others it is emotional, and so on. Each one of us can make something good of our life if we make the choice to do so, and put our time and energy into bringing about that good each day.
Even God is very ugly, especially when he punishes the innocent.
Hi Go Figure,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I know there are many, many religious people who believe that God punishes the guilty, and even many whose doctrines say that God punishes the innocent. Those people are completely wrong—as I say in many articles here. If you’re interested, I would be happy to continue the conversation with you, and refer you to some of those articles.
For example, my most recent (long) article, “Response to a Calvinist Critique of my article ‘Faith Alone Does Not Sav,e’” attacks the Calvinist doctrine of predestination, which says that God chose before Creation which people would go to eternal torment in hell. That is truly a cruel and insane belief!
People are’t always nice to ugly people we rush judge very fast, We’ve all don’t it.
God made somethings beautiful a sun rise or a sun set we see beauty all the time.
Feeling ugly is cold, it’s empty, it’s pain,it’s loss I live that everyday.
I’ve prayed for God to fix me or just take me home, I’ve been here for 50 years and it hasn’t gotten better So I don’t think GOD is fare,.Having good health and a good mind and living a long life is nothing. Without love and some happiness. You can’t speak for god your not him.
I just wish I never felt this way. It’s hard being positive when you feel you weren’t given a fare chance to live. I’d give up this whole life for one day of feeling Pretty or Handsome or Beautiful. JUST ONE DAY feeling ugly for a life time is no way to live….
Hi Richard,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with your appearance. I hope this article gives you at least some help.
I wish you didn’t tell people about fairness and beauty and god in the same. Being the apple in God’s eyes doesn’t help how you see yourself. You can’t see God, You can’t feel God, we really do not know if God exist. We’d all like to think there’s a God. All I know life is not fair for some, that’s the truth. I don’t judge anyone believes. I do wish in fair play but we are so far away from that. I don’t feel attractive, never did it’s kept me away from a different life. whether it’s a dream life or a fantasy. I think at times I’d rather blame God or my self for my looks, Not tv, people or magazines. Not feeling comfortable in your own skin for 45 years stinks. There are a lot of people writing you about fairness and how God might of wronged them. I feel wronged by God and it’s not all about how I look. I apologize if I have offended you or anyone, but I’m looking for answers within myself. I know that church GOD and faith does truly help some but it’s not a fix all. God bless be kind to each other it’s hard out there.
Hi Richard,
Thanks for continuing the conversation. I wish there were some platitudes I could spout to make you feel better, but as I said in the article, the reality is that life on this earth is not fair. We have to play the hand we’re dealt, and some people are dealt a hand full of aces, while others get a few odd deuces.
In the end, though, I still believe that your parting line, to “be kind to each other, it’s hard out there,” is what prevails. Many beautiful people are mean and nasty (others are very nice), and many ugly people are good and thoughtful (others are not). Which ones will, in the end, have a better life? The ones who are kind and thoughtful. Maybe not here on earth, but this life is only the beginning of a much longer existence. On that, see:
Where is the Proof of the Afterlife?
And even if there is no God or afterlife, isn’t it better to do what we can to make this world a better place, and leave it richer in human terms because we were here?
Yes the world has failed, god can fail us too, Some good people suffer, KIDS suffer, but churches make money people faith. Right or wrong….Put that book down and look at what your doing to really help suffering. Open your eyes and open your hearts God doesn’t need a temple, help people with all that money.
Hi Richard,
I don’t believe God fails us, but I do think that many, if not most churches fail God by not bringing God’s message of love, compassion, and service to humankind. They’re too wrapped up in asserting that their doctrine is correct and everyone else’s is wrong. And though correct doctrine does have its importance (see, “Does Doctrine Matter? Why is it Important to Believe the Right Thing?”), it is important only if it teaches and guides us to care for our fellow human beings.
And yes, some churches are just excuses to bilk poor and struggling people of their money. See:
Prosperity Gospel is Spiritually Bankrupt
When I was young I didn’t have a father, I had a brother commit suicide, I’ve been set on fire and them I had a finger ripped off my body. And always been ugly. GOD has failed me. I wish I was never born. If GOD loves us so much then why all this cruelty in this world, that doesn’t seam fair. If your a ugly man and short and not rich, you don’t much out of this world besides being laugh at. I’m to ugly for love and always been, The day my finger was ripped off I looked up and said REALLY GOD THE FIRE WASN’T ENOUGH YOU HAD TO TAKE MY FINGER, I was truly mad I hated god for the first time on his cruel acts I’ve seen and felt. Now I realize that I will never have anything good come my way. UGLY FOR LIFE GOD’S GIFT TO ME
Hi Rich,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I’m sorry to hear about all of your struggles with loss and physical disfigurement. As the above article says, it certainly does put you at a major disadvantage here on earth. But as the article also says, it doesn’t put you at any spiritual disadvantage. If you choose to do the best you can with the cards you have been dealt, then in eternity you will be better off than “beautiful people” who just coast along and do nothing particularly good with their lives.
I would also point out that it was not God who burned you or ripped off your finger. That was (presumably) done to you by other human beings, or perhaps by machinery or an accident. However, I understand that you could be angry at God for allowing the world to be this way. To gain some understanding of this unfortunate reality, I recommend that you start with this article:
If God is Love, Why all the Pain and Suffering?
Meanwhile, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
If GOD loved me than why did GOD only give me a ugly world. When your a guy and your short and ugly there is not much point in thinking you have much chance in having a normal life. Ask your wife or most women what they think. The word creep comes in all the time, you are judged on how you look whether you like it or not. A short man can be cute a short ugly man people don’t take serious. Why did GOD put me in this body did I do something wrong. The truth about being ugly it’s going to be lonely guy or girl. Confidence comes from success an a lack of success creates failure this is the life of someone born ugly. That’s what is not fair the extra negatives, life is hard enough for all of us.
Hi Rob,
Danny Devito is short, fat, and bald. But that hasn’t slowed him down.
It’s not what we have, but what we do with what we have that matters.
When you have incarnated again, you inherit your personality. As personality has been formed during many lifetimes, comfortable, successful lives (with attractive or better beautiful shell) promoted confident you, while rejections and losses led one to lack of self-confidence, inability to stand up for themselves, and the myriad of other issues. It’s as bad as arrogance and ignorance that beauty may expose one to.
You only compare average and beautiful. But what is average? Beauty is not just one feature, but 98% of a face and body, so does ugliness goes. You can’t fix ugliness…it’s like redo everything over, piece by piece. Even if possible, it takes enormous time, and all one can achieve is an average look. So one is for an ugly ride. Talking about spiritual…or are we?
I was born very unattractive, not average. And it was quite a hell regardless of personality. Personality helps to survive, not more. I can attest that bullying, abuse, and sexual harassment/insult can be inflicted on a repulsive individual. And it is much more likely the case. That is when one is young, and the offender is older or more experienced. Real perverts or predators are not going after spoiled, attention soaked females or males. They are going for an easy victim, the same as in all types of crimes. It is always the most vulnerable who are being raped, defrauded, and killed. Not because they “attract” misfortunes, but because they are ACCESSIBLE. Being mistreated all the short or long life, they are attention deprived, rejected, and unloved as adds to vulnerability. What is that those attractive people complained about?
Now is being a victim of a violent crime, is it a spiritual advantage? The irony is such victims will be “punished” by being reborn to experience the same. Over and over. Why? To find the strength to stand up to the abuser and reject the need for love, attention…and pretty much all earthy.
Being born less than average looking, forget beautiful, gives one unprecedented opportunity to discover the truth. The truth is painful to accept; it is crushing, and it is hopeless. One can become very bitter, disillusioned, and discouraged about life. Mountain “Everest” stays in front of you. Even with the most positive and energetic personality, true celebration over matter is not possible on earth. It’s not an advantage, just an experience.
The spiritual advantage is quite an ambiguous statement. If one considers that only difficulties and trials result in advance forward on the soul journey, then the assumption is correct. But as we are aware, self-actualization requires security as a minimum pre-requisite—the security of being loved (Maslov’s hierarchy of needs).
I can tell this…the societal, cultural ideas and norms are not the self-formed phenomenon. It is created, promoted, and enforced everyday message. Thus, the message can and must be corrected. Under the current state of things the world is much more unbalanced for being sustained, and God has nothing to do with it. Nothing is an accident either.
Hi Me,
Thanks for stopping by, and for expressing your views and telling your story. I am very sorry to hear about all the abuse you suffered due to the physical appearance you were born with. As I say in the article, this life simply is not fair. And as you say, this means that the most vulnerable are the ones who are getting raped, defrauded, and killed.
I agree that God has nothing to do with it, in the sense that God is not the one who caused things to be as bad as they are in many places, and for many people. We humans created our own evil, and the evil in our society. However, this is true collectively, not individually. Rape, fraud, and murder are not the victims’ fault. This is where I disagree with reincarnation and its associated idea of rigid individual karma. On that, please see:
The Bible, Emanuel Swedenborg, and Reincarnation
I also don’t believe, as some Christians do, that God is going to suddenly come and magically fix everything we have broken. We broke it. It’s our job to fix it. But God will help us in that task if we put our mind and body into it.
I wouldn’t say there is any spiritual advantage to being born ugly. But neither do I think it is an insuperable spiritual disadvantage. It is a serious challenge in this superficial world. And as you say, the work of facing that challenge can develop great spiritual strength in us.
Were I differ is that I believe it is possible to fight that battle in one lifetime. I don’t think it’s necessary to have multiple lifetimes to bring victory out of defeat.
Unfortunately, it is true there are many people who are are overwhelmed by the horrors of this life, and who go down to their grave under the boot of oppression and abuse. For example, those unfortunate innocents who were dragged into the old Soviet gulag system were commonly ground to death there in humiliation, abuse, and pain. There was no chance for them to fight back. But even these poor people find rest for their souls on the other side, where God wipes away every tear from their eyes. For such people, death is a welcome release from a dark world.
For those of us who are still here, though, and who still have a fighting chance, there is hard work to do. It is possible to emerge and heal from shame, abuse, and oppression. It is not easy. It comes only through great emotional and spiritual labor. The scars will always be there. But it is possible to heal, and to find a good life.
God made me ugly I hate GOD I hate GOD I hate GOD, what is the point of living in a ugly shell, people aren’t very nice to ugly people,I hate GOD I hate GOD, so why does god curse people at birth, I don’t lie I don’t cheat my way through life, but I live in hell for 54 years because of what I look like. I hate GOD and I hope God hears me. I think of suicide every day for years I do not want any help. A loving god doesn’t do this only a small little god looking for praise. God doesn’t care about me and I don’t care about god. this is what happens to unloved unwanted people,a life of seclusion waiting only for a quick death..
Hi lew,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I’m sorry you feel the way you do. You were dealt a bad hand of cards, for sure. But other people have also been dealt a bad hand of cards, and have worked to make something of their life anyway. Your life is in your own hands.
I think being unattractive can snowball into a plethora of traumatic experiences such as bullying, rejection,sisyphistc efforts for no recognition, having others see you as bad for existing around them etc. I think this trauma is a spiritual disadvantage that prettier people don’t have. It gives so much depression and anger to digest and transmute that many of us get pulled into dispair and self neglect under the enormous weight of it all.
Then we are ugly within as well for being hopeless and hurt. I have yet to live anywhere where even holy people don’t engage in putting beauty on a pedestal which is subsequently a judgemental comparison and condemnation of others. We feel alienated and forsaken by the universe itself.
Pretty people also have pain and challenges but there is hope with effort, no so for the uglier ones. Darwinistic hierarchies and spiritual understandings of purity as good as believing in eugenics have left no hope for self acceptance and forgiveness.
Hi Kay,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. Yes, all of these things can and do happen to many people who are not born with natural beauty, or who become physically disfigured due to illnesses or accidents. All of this is why my wife and I wrote and posted this article.
We can’t control how we were born, or the environment in which we grew up. But as teenagers we can begin to make our own decisions about what we want our life to be. And once we become adults, though we are still subject to external forces that we can’t control, we can make a decision about how to react to them, and about our attitude toward our own self and our own situation.
Yes, life on this earth is harder for people who are not physically attractive than it is for the beautiful people. But as the above article points out, even unattractive people can make a choice not to be bitter and defeatist, but to do something good with their life despite the negative of not being physically beautiful.
I hope you will make such a choice for your own life, and I hope this article will help you to do so.
I have to disagree.
That’s a specious statement to say that:
“ Yes, life on this earth is harder for people who are not physically attractive than it is for the beautiful people”.
The evidence is to the contrary but, so many people – often out of jealousy and bitterness – refuse to accept it as reality including rationalising comments from people on this thread commenting on this thread who’ve talked about systematic bullying including ostracising, causing isolation, mental health problems, ad infinitum. Often for beautiful people it is that they are often judged erroneously and their comments dismissed as self-pitying yet, those who don’t think they’re good looking are dismissed as self pitying if they are bullied. If you aren’t living somebody else is reality, it can take a great deal of work to really reach that place where you can empathise and that does mean working through resentment, anger, denial, jealousy, bitterness and a whole plethora of other emotions. It’s really about being honest with oneself rather than trying to assess somebody else’s reality that you haven’t lived.
Hi Ava,
Thanks for stopping by, and for continuing the conversation.
As stated at the beginning of the article, objectively speaking, study after study shows that people who are beautiful are more successful financially, socially, intellectually, politically, and romantically than people who are not so beautiful. That is what I was referring to when I said that life on this earth is harder for people who are not physically attractive than it is for the beautiful people.
Inwardly and emotionally, though, and sometimes even interpersonally, I agree that both beautiful and not so beautiful people have to struggle with many of the same issues. As some of the earlier discussion on this post highlighted, being very beautiful can cause people real problems in life due to jealousy, bitterness, being seen as just a pretty face with no substance, and so on. This is one of the reasons that beautiful people often stick with other beautiful people for their friends and social interactions.
We all have our issues to struggle with.
Yeah, I’d rather die. If god made me ugly and just to suffer….he hated me lol. I guess Satan will appect my ugliness
Hi Se,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.
If you want to believe that, then of course, you are free to do so. But it is not the truth.
I think I know now to an extent just why the White mans land is the way it is generally, compared with our sides here in west Africa. And I think it’s simply because the White man constitutes such ones as Mr Lee Woofenden in this life.. Well I cannot but acknowledge the exceptionally profound & amazing minds of everyone who’s contributed. But please, just to say(although at this belated time), we indeed need not draw back on what Mr Lee was trying to stress, which is focusing rather on the spiritual—the unseen, to ably avoid being intimidated or haunted by these cares of life such as beauty(as was our controversy), wealth and others mentioned. Nonetheless, please allow me as well, seize the opportunity to augment a bit with my personal belief and to sort of place my stand in all of it. The unseen ideally is YAHWEH, and we’re only expected to try fixating our consciousness on Him through a DOOR on the only conduit to Him(& His kingdom). And that door is His SON, the first begotten of the ‘spiritually’ dead, being Yahweh Ben Yahweh. Only sadly however, am I hitherto striving to conform optimally at my end. Regardless, I’m certain it is the only way perhaps, truest way to empower those of us lamenting on these ups & down of life, to make good riddance off ‘all’ our problems, as Yahweh Ben Yahweh Himself ever emphasized He’s the solution to all problems in life, which really isn’t flimsy a claim. It’s just really not a difficult step to take please.
Hi Toba,
Thanks for stopping by and expressing your thoughts on the article and on your own experience of God. I’ll leave them to speak for themselves. Godspeed on your spiritual journey.
Sir please allow me express some gratitude regarding my unworthiness of your acknowledgement over my post. And please just a quick redact on the comment. Incidentally while i read the article, I actually never came across comments from people beyond 2016/17 thereabout(perhaps due to my kind of device or something). Otherwise I really wouldn’t have included the expression of posting my comment at such late time(hopefully it wasn’t boring or redundant a statement). It’s just now I’m seeing interactions into 2020.. I can just say in a nutshell big ups to you all! And especially to Mr Lee, keeping up with this, simultaneously with other necessary services elsewhere. Please more grease to the elbow sir.
Hi Toba,
It is good to hear from you again. We are all children of God, equally valued and loved in God’s eyes.
Will all women be beautiful and all men be handsome in heaven?
Isn’t being unattractive a curse of sin?
Didn’t everyone sin from birth? Doesn’t the Bible teach original sin?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
The Bible does not teach original sin. The doctrine of original sin was originated by the Catholic Church, and adopted in modified form by Protestantism as well.
Being unattractive is just part of the messiness of the physical world. It is not the result of original sin, which doesn’t exist. But of course, it can be influenced by bad living, as when a drug-addicted mother gives birth to a baby with birth defects caused by the drug in her system.
In heaven, yes, all women will be beautiful and all men handsome because of the beauty of their love for God and the neighbor. However, they will not all be the same. No two angels are exactly alike. Each one is beautiful or handsome in his or her own distinctive way, reflecting his or her unique character.
Ideally, more attractive women would be more romantic, and average or unattractive women would be less romantic. Why doesn’t God make the world so that physical attractiveness is positively correlated with romanticism, including in women? Ideally, very unattractive women would be aromantic and asexual and very attractive women would be hyperromantic and hypersexual.
Why doesn’t God make it that way?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
Would you apply the same principle to men? And if you were a very unattractive man, would you agree with this “ideal”?
To the first question, Yes! Absolutely!
But if I was unattractive and yet romantic, I would wish that I were attractive.
Romantic women should be more attractive than aromantic women. Romantic men should be more attractive than aromantic men.
Hi WorldQuestioner,
To cut to the chase, I don’t agree with this line of thinking at all. Why should the challenge of physical unattractiveness be made even worse for the people it affects by adding psychological alienation and loneliness to the burden? That would be cruel.
Fortunately, God is not cruel. God gives unattractive people the same ability and inclination to form close personal and romantic relationships as God gives to attractive people. Unattractive people may be at a disadvantage from a material and social point of view, but thank God, the path is open for them to overcome those disadvantages and build a happy life in companionship and marriage with someone who, like God, looks on the heart rather than on the outward appearance:
Then what’s the point of physical attractiveness?
Why don’t evil ones look bad?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
In the spiritual world, evil ones do look bad. And good people look beautiful. There, the body is a perfectly accurate expression of the soul.
Here on earth, that is not necessarily the case. Here, the laws of biology and physics determine much of our physical appearance, regardless of our inner character.
Aren’t physically attractive women healthier? So science says, right?
Isn’t there a positive correlation between physical health and outward attractiveness? What do scientists find?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
Yes, as mentioned in the above article, “studies show that beauty is a general physical indicator of health, intelligence, and reproductive fitness.” (There were originally links to some studies, but the links appear to be broken now, so I have removed them.)
This, of course, does not mean that every beautiful person (whether male or female) is healthier than every not so beautiful person. Beauty is a general indicator of health, but that does not hold in every specific case.
You said that if everyone were beautiful, no one would be beautiful.
Would you also say that if everyone were ugly, no one would be ugly?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
As presented in the article, that’s just one of the arguments people make. I don’t necessarily subscribe to it myself.
Did you once say that we didn’t sin from birth? Don’t Catholics and Protestants agree that everyone sinned from birth?
Does the bible teach that sin nature is inherited?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
Yes, Catholics believe in original sin, and Protestants inherited that belief from them.
But no, the Bible does not teach this, nor does it teach that we inherit a “sin nature.” Rather, it teaches that sin began with Adam, and all since then have sinned.
We do also inherit a tendency to sin. But sin itself is not possible until we reach adulthood. That is when we become fully responsible for our own actions, whether good or evil.
For more on this, please see:
The Faulty Foundations of Faith Alone – Part 2: Original Sin?
Does the Bible not teach that we are born sinners? That we were born doomed to sin?
Think about the logic: if sin nature wasn’t inherited, would we all be sinners?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
The Bible does not teach that we are born sinners. That would be impossible, since sin is intentionally doing what we know is wrong, and when we born, we do not yet know right from wrong. On this subject, please see:
The Faulty Foundations of Faith Alone – Part 2: Original Sin?
The Bible says that we have all sinned, but it does not say we are born sinful (if translated correctly), nor does it say we are “doomed to sin.” Only that we do sin and have sinned.
If we can earn hell, how come we can’t “un-earn” it? If hell can’t be un-earned, how come heaven can?
Just hypothetically if a person earned eternal life, can they un-earn it? How com then, if a person earned eternal death and destruction, they can’t also un-earn that?
Doesn’t repentance earn forgiveness? Repentance has to earn something, and/or partially un-earn the punishment that the sin (which is repented of) earned.
Hi WorldQuestioner,
We don’t “earn” or “un-earn” heaven or hell. Rather, we accept or reject them. We accept heaven by living according to the Lord’s commandment to love God above all an our neighbor as ourselves. This also constitutes rejecting hell. We accept hell by rejecting that commandment and instead living our life in pursuance of power, money, and pleasure for ourselves alone. This also constitutes rejecting heaven. Neither one “earns” us heaven or hell. Rather, they build heaven or hell within us.
But to answer your question, as long as we are still living on earth, we can change course. If we were headed toward heaven, but then begin living a selfish and materialistic life, we will start heading to hell instead. If we were headed toward hell, but then we repent and start living a life of love for God and the neighbor, we will start heading to heaven instead.
However, once we die, the “pot is fired.” At that point, we have made our choice. We can and will no longer change it. That is why what we do with our life here on earth is so important. It sets our course for the rest of eternity.
Why doesn’t God just do everything the fair way? Why doesn’t God make the Earth fair?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
This earth is designed to try and test us. It is not meant to be easy, but to provide resistance and struggle against which we can develop a strong and good character. If everything were fair and easy, there would be no resistance against which to develop our spiritual muscles.
Beauty is hardly the unfairness I’m worried about. I’m worried about people who are kidnapped from their homes as children and forced to join a terrorist organization where they are brain-washed. I’m worried about people who grow up with Christian but highly abusive parents, which may cause them to avoid religious people out of fear for the rest of their lives. Or what about people that are genetically schizophrenic and literally have no ability to discern reality from fiction?
Can you really say that life is spiritually fair when some people may as well be grabbed by the head and dragged away from belief in good while others are born healthy into good families and communities that constantly promote good values?
Hi blak,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment and question. The above article was written in response to a particular reader’s question. There are other articles here that take up the issue of evil and spiritual fairness in an unfair world more directly. Here are some of them:
The first two are overview type articles (including a four-part article that goes into some depth on the subject). The last two deal with some of your particular questions.
The key principle in answering your questions is that no one goes to hell due to any forces outside of them or beyond their control. People go to hell only if, as reasonably rational, self-responsible adults, they choose to live from self-centeredness and greed when they had the capacity to choose to live from love for God and love for their fellow human beings.
Children who are abused or brainwashed from a young age may or may not be able to attain rational, self-responsible adulthood. Some of them will be able, in their adult life, to break free from the terribly distorted and destructive environment in which they were raised. These people can then make a decision to live a different life than they were brought up to live. This happens quite often as children grow up and gain independence from the people who raised them. They will likely go through great struggles in their efforts to repair their broken psyche and live a better life.
Others will not be able to break free, through no fault of their own, but only because their upbringing was so toxic that it took away their rationality and free will. These people will not be held spiritually responsible for the “sins of their parents” (see Ezekiel 18, and my article about it). Such people, after they die, will be cared for by skilled angel counselors who will help them to peel away those layers of earthly conditioning until only their own original heart and will are left. Then they will be given another opportunity to grow up to adulthood in a healthful way. Such people will find their home in heaven, because they never even had the opportunity to intentionally choose hell of their own free will.
The default option is always heaven, never hell. Unless a person specifically chooses hell as a rational, self-responsible adult, by living an intentionally evil life, that person will go to heaven, not hell.
There is more I could say, but that’s enough for now. Feel free to continue the conversation here or in the comments section on any of the other articles. These are very good and searching questions. It takes time to come to satisfying answers. I hope this reply, and the linked articles, will help as you wrestle with these issues for yourself.
P.S. Apologies, but I edited your question to remove your email address from your display name. See our comments policy.
There’s nothing good about blemish, especially if you are very romantic.
If you are aromantic or asexual, blemish would not be as big a deal.
But overall, blemish does no good at all.
Hi WorldQuestioner,
We do live in an imperfect world. Blemishes are simply a reality for many people. But I wouldn’t say they do no good at all. They are a physical manifestation of the fact that we humans are imperfect. It’s good to have some humility, and recognize our imperfection. Having a blemish can be a reminder of that.
Women that are righteous deserve to be beautiful, while women who are wicked are the ones that deserve blemish.
Hi WorldQuestioner,
It works that way in the afterlife, but not necessarily here on earth.
You ask whether or not I want a few decades of physical beauty or everlasting spiritual and physical beauty in the afterlife? I’ll take physical beauty for a few decades. God did me no favor in the looks department. My whole life I have watched others be courted and find love with people they wanted to find love with. I’m 42 years old, in my whole life I’ve experienced maybe a whole week of real normal love that a man and a woman are meant to share. A week. Maybe 2 weeks, What fucking good does it do me to be “beautiful” in heaven when there is no longer any drive for union and procreation? God shit on me and many like me and couldn’t care fucking less the misery it has inflicted upon us. Everyone talks about the “sacrifice” he made with his son for our sins. Sin is his concept, he invented it. And he didn’t sacrifice his son, sacrifice implies loss, his son returned to Heaven when he rose from the dead. God didn’t sacrifice anything. The truth is God doesn’t care about our struggles on Earth. It could be because eternity compared to a mortal life is insignificant, except for the whole eternal damnation part, a 72 year life span is nothing compared to eternity. So why should he care? I’ll tell you the real tragedy, is those people who are so ugly in life that they never know love and because they didn’t worship God or believe in God the way he wanted that they are sent to Hell and are twice denied love. God isn’t just, he’s a narcissistic sociopath.
Hi LoD,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with love and lack of attractiveness. As covered in the above article, life on this earth is not fair.
The same is not true for the spiritual world.
Unfortunately, you’ve been taught a lot of things about the afterlife that aren’t true. Contrary to popular belief, there is marriage, and sex, in the afterlife, and it continues forever for people who choose heaven over hell. And yes, going to hell is a choice. God doesn’t send anyone there. People who prefer to live for selfishness and greed go there of their own free will after they die.
For more on these things, please see:
And there are plenty more related articles linked at the end of these ones.
If you know the truth, there is no need to be bitter. Any unfairness in this world will be eliminated in the afterlife.
Meanwhile, your job here on earth is to become the best person you can be given your particular circumstances. If you focus on that, it will give you plenty to keep you busy for the rest of your earthly life. And along the way, it might even attract a partner to you right here on earth. There are a lot of lonely people out there.
Lee, stockholm syndrome, look into it man. Going to Hell is not a choice, it’s a sentence from our all loving benevolent creator who never has to produce a single shred of evidence as to his existence. A loving and merciful God does not send people to a place of eternal damnation for a lifetime of misdeeds or lack of faith, that is not just or merciful. A loving and merciful God doesn’t include inflicting pain and despair on people as part of his divine plan, or should I say his Soap Opera. And yea I get it, life isn’t fair and neither is God. I can see why the angels rebelled against him. And yea, history is written by the winners, but something tells me there was a little more to the rebellion than Lucifer just being an arrogant brat. Perhaps it was an attempt to take down a tyrant that simply failed. But we’ll never know in this life time will we? We never get to hear their side of the story. Until then, just keep suffering, one day it will all pay off, I promise. It’s the same scam politicians use to fleece tax payers of their money, just a little bit more and we’ll make it all better. And much like the government, this God rules by fear. Believe me and do as I command or suffer the worst punishment possible for all eternity. Same as the IRS, pay us our cut of your work or we’ll take everything you own and toss you in jail.
Hi LoD,
If you want to believe all that depressing stuff and make yourself even more miserable, that’s your choice.
But it’s not true.
For one thing, Lucifer was not an angel who rebelled. That’s not in the Bible. What is traditionally translated “Lucifer” in Isaiah 14:12 actually means “the morning star,” aka the planet Venus. “Lucifer” is Latin for “light-bearer.” In that verse is a reference to the king of Babylon, not to Satan. You can read the whole passage in Isaiah 14:3–23, in the Revised version.
The whole idea that angels are a separate creation is not biblical. It’s in some non-biblical books, and it became “Christian” tradition, but it’s not in the Bible itself. See:
What is the Biblical Basis for Humans becoming Angels after they Die?
is Satan a common noun and not a pronoun? Is it the same word usually used for “adversary”?
Is Lucifer a common noun or a pronoun?
Were Michael and Gabriel literal? Did they start out as humans?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
“Satan” is from a Hebrew word that originally meant “adversary,” but became personified as “the accuser,” or falsity as a force. There is a fuller explanation in this article:
Is there Really a Devil? Why??
“Lucifer” occurs only once in the Bible, in Isaiah 14:12 (as translated in the KJV). The original Hebrew word means “shining one” or “light-bearer.” It refers to the planet Venus, the “morning star” in the sky, and is used in that verse as a metaphor for the king of Babylon. This is also covered, more briefly, in the above-linked article. It is not a proper noun in the usual sense of being the name of some person, place, or thing.
According to Swedenborg, Michael and Gabriel are not individual angels, but whole communities of angels acting as one to accomplish a specific purpose given to them by the Lord. However, the individual angels making up those communities would all have started out as humans. And even if Swedenborg were wrong and they were actually individual angels, they would still have started out as humans, because all angels and evil spirits start out as humans. See the article I linked for LoD just above.
So the idea of “Lucy the Devil” is inaccurate.
Hi WorldQuestioner,
I doubt it is meant to be taken literally.
Hello,
As a hideous male, I have noticed that beautiful people get all the opportunity,especially beautiful women, while ugly people are shunned. There are no opportunities for us hideous men. All men are hideous. That is the truly unfair condition that God subjects on men. All women are beautiful while all of us men are hideous. Men want to be beautiful also. But alas, God doesn’t care enough to answer prayers for beauty. For that matter, God doesn’t care enough to answer any prayers. 43+ years of unanswered prayers prove that. Thanks
God bless you through the Holy Spirit, in Jesus’ holy name, Amen.
Hi Kenneth,
Thanks for stopping by, and for telling your story. I hope the above article gives you at least some help and comfort.
I can’t say I agree that all women are beautiful while all men are hideous. There are many women who are not beautiful, and many men who are. But for those who aren’t, it does indeed make life much harder. Once again, I hope the above article at least gives you something to think about.
Maybe the unattractive men could use plastic surgery to make themselves more attractive. Make their voice sound a few notes deeper, and make their jaws more square, and thin their lips, broaden their shoulders, enlarge their biceps, etc… Is that ok Biblically?
Could surgery make women more beautiful?
What about genetic modification?
Hi WorldQuestioner,
Some people can and will do these things. And if the surgeries or genetic modifications aren’t botched, it may make their lives better in this world. Surgeons have gotten quite skillful at fixing functional and esthetic problems such as cleft palate and legs that are not the same length. There is nothing wrong with giving people a better life on this earth.
However, our most important task here on earth is to develop and grow our spiritual self. This we do by loving and serving others, regardless of any benefits to ourselves. So yes, people can fix physical problems through surgery and such. But if they don’t fix their spiritual problems, none of those physical fixes will matter in the long run.
Assortive mating is ideal, not hypergamy. Right?
Sorry if I said that I would not give you more comments. I realized I had more to say.
This might be the last one to this post though. Where I said last comment in the other post, well I won’t give more comments on that post.
Hi WorldQuestioner,
What’s ideal is loving and faithful monogamy.
P.S. DO feel free to reply to my comments, even if you know that I won’t give you more replies.
Maybe scientists could give unattractive men surgery to make them more attractive and handsome. Maybe bioengineers could genetically engineer people to be more wholesome and attractive.
See https://wqextremeconcepts.wordpress.com/2022/01/22/biopunk-vs-real-life-machines/,https://wqextremeconcepts.wordpress.com/2022/01/02/hyper-advanced-bioengineering/, and https://wqcontroversialthoughts.wordpress.com/2022/11/05/evolution-and-the-might-makes-right-concept/
Hi WorldQuestioner,
The reason life in this physical world is short and imperfect is that we humans are not designed to live forever in the physical world, but in the spiritual world. During our short lifetime on earth, the imperfections of this physical universe challenge us to learn and grow and develop strength as human beings. If everything were easy, and handed to us on a silver platter, we’d grow weak and flabby.
Hi Lee!
Long text again, i know you love them!😂
I remember in my last date (the failed one i mentioned last week) the girl just didn’t stop talking about her idols (those very popular Korean boy bands) and man, that was very uncomfortable experience! 😣 Because she just couldn’t stop talking about how perfectly and hot they are for her (perfect clear skin, very strong jaws, long hair, ripped, very romantic like the music they sing) and well, i am far away from it, except by the romantic musics, because i love them Hehe😜.
But the point is, I was feeling so down at those moments because internally i was very jealously and well, it felt very disrespected to me since i couldn’t imagined myself doing the opposite to her, like talking all the time about how beautiful i find Ana de Armas for example. That was why i mentioned to you how afraid i was that at any moment one of those “idols” will just pop magically into existence in front of us and “steal” her from me. The evil spiritual hackers found a gap in my insecurity about my physical appearance and boom, here comes the anxiety stronger than ever.
That is what was flying over my mind all the time: At any moment, inter dimensional forces will bring one of this guys directly from Korea and her dreams will became true in front of me! Because he will be not only perfect physically but spiritually and emotionally too, the ideal man in front of you two and she will choose him. You know, they always use their best resources to despair me most efficiently, so why not take advantage about all my gaps at se same time? Fortunately, you helped me at the time so i could use it against them efficiently.
At the same time, the girl itself didn’t give me security and confidence with that behavior talking about her fantasies to someone she could possible spend the rest of her life with in their first date, so it wasn’t just the evil spirits acting here, she herself gave me a very childish and immature feeling for idealizing these human beings as something divinely perfect.
The truth is, those boys look perfect because their lives are totally about it, they live trying to pass as perfect for young females around the world to generate profit for their producers, their image is meticulously build around their physical appearance, love songs composed specifically with the most very romantic and dramatic lyrics you can imagine and the best marketing money can afford.
If you research about them, their suicide rate is extremely high because when they start showing age or even try to have live their personal lives off stage, their companies, producers and so called fan clubs drop them like a product that just expired because they broke their fantasies and dreams showing that no human is perfect, so why continue to spend money and resources for their face surgeries and facial care products if they aren’t “perfect” anymore right?
Blessings!
Hi Caio,
There is an awful lot of fantasy floating around in people’s minds. Especially young people’s minds. Girls idolize music and TV icons, boys idolize female pop singers and various sports heroes. This is probably inevitable. But sooner or later, it’s time to recognize the reality behind the fantasy. See, for example:
Charlie Sheen: Man and Myth
And closer to the the point:
What If I’m In Love with Someone I Can’t Have?
Young women often do idolize men they can’t have. They also often build a false idealized picture of the actual man in front of them. Young men do the same thing in the other direction. But to use your example, if the boy band star were to suddenly teleport interdimensionally into the room and sweep the girl off her feet, it wouldn’t be long before she began to see the human imperfections underneath that skillfully laid-on veneer of perfection.
I cover some of this in more depth and detail in the second article linked above, so I won’t continue on with it here. Long story short: as long as someone is holding onto some fantasy of unattainable love, she or he will not be able to have real love in the real world.
And in the real world, every human being is flawed and imperfect. Anyone who fantasizes or expects otherwise about a romantic partner is in for a world of conflict and trouble. It’s enough work just to maintain a good and healthy relationship without adding on layers of unrealistic expectations that cannot possibly be met leading to inevitable and unnecessary disappointment and conflict.
If you cannot love the person in front of you as they actually are right now, and imagine yourself being with them forever exactly as they are right now, it’s probably best not to go any farther with that relationship. Another way of saying this is that if you marry someone with the idea that they’ll change and be “right for you” later, that is a massive mistake—especially if you then go about trying to change them into the “right” person.
At any rate, it sounds like this girl is not ready for a real relationship. Maybe some day in the future she’ll float back down to earth and walk on the ground instead of in the clouds. Until then, it’s probably just as well for you that it didn’t work out with her.
I would also suggest not putting too much weight on a first date.
It is true that sometimes people know immediately that this is the one for them, and it actually works out that way. But just as often, people have fantasies of perfect romance in their heads, and project those fantasies onto the person in front of them so that they can’t even see who the person in front of them actually is. Only time will tell which is true. Meanwhile, best to chill out and just have a nice human interaction with that first date. Until you get to know her or him better, you really won’t know for sure if this is your true soulmate or if it’s just a flash in the pan.
For one thing, if a girl or woman gets the idea that you’re not really paying attention to her, but are just projecting your fantasy of true love onto her, she’s going to back off. Unless, of course, she’s having the same sort of fantasy, in which case both of you are in for a rude awakening before long.
So just talk to the person in front of you as a person, and let things unfold naturally however they are going to unfold.
Hi, Lee
I will read the articles you linked!
We had a very serious discussion one week later the date before splitting our ways, about our expectations and what we were searching for, in my case, a serious relationship and a marriage someday. And in hers, while she mentioned sometimes that she wanted something like this too in a far far away future, currently she is very deeply emotionally damaged because of her past relationships traumas, most of her future plans did not involved someone at her side and in her own words, while it may sound very egocentric, she would never sacrifice something she likes to do to not hurt someone she like, that for me was the worst red flag.
I had a lot of fantasies about her of course, one of them were about her changing her spiritual beliefs, because while she was not an atheist, she related herself to Buddhism, but it felt more like a friendly way to say that she doesn’t identify with the false and well know Christianism, so i thought that if the learned about the Truly Christianity with me, maybe in some time, she would convert herself… Obviously it could happen, but the whole point is to not expect the other to change, it’s about liking and loving the current version. So like you mentioned in your previous responses, its better to cut things in the start to avoid more damage.
We matched in a looooot of things, but none of those things were truly something that makes a good relationship work.
If there is something I learned very hardly in my past relationships, is that insisting in someone that is not willing to truly engage is never a good idea and expecting the person you like to change their feelings while you already know for sure what you feel about the person, is even worse.
Preparing myself for the next opportunity, already knowing what i want 😉
Just a small question about my fantasy that i mentioned…
Here in my country, Swedenborg is definitely not well know and my city doesn’t even have a New Church church for me to visit and know other people with similar beliefs! The main doctrines here are Evangelists, Catholics and Spiritualists.
It sounds almost impossible that i will find someone who shares the same religious beliefs as me about God and life. Religion was never important to me, but since i started my regeneration, now it’s THE most important thing of my life. How i deal with that when starting to involve with someone that probably don’t share those views with me?
Blessings!
Hi Caio,
What city are you in?
For ardent but isolated Swedenborgians, finding a partner that shares the love for that faith is indeed a major challenge. Many Swedenborgians do marry within the church, but that presupposes that there is a church in the area to marry within. Many also marry outside the church, and their spouses sometimes become Swedenborgians, and sometimes don’t.
In general, if someone already has a settled belief system, they’re probably not going to change it for you, or if they do, they’re going to be lukewarm Swedenborgians because they’re doing it for you, and not from some internal motivation of their own. But if they’re still searching, and their mind really does run along the same course as yours, then they might find the spiritual beliefs that excite and satisfy you also exciting and satisfying to them.
Rather than continuing onward now, I’ll link you to this article, which may have some useful tidbits in it:
What if My Partner and I Have Different Religious Beliefs? Can Interfaith Marriage Work?
Once you’ve had a chance to read it, feel free to continue the conversation, either here or there.
Hi, Lee
I’m from Porto Alegre city, Rio Grande do Sul state, Brazil.
According to my research, apparently there are two Swedenborgian churches in Rio de Janeiro and one in Curitiba. The closest one is located in Curitiba, Paraná state but i cannot find photos or social pages anywhere, so i don’t know if they still exist.
My brother live in Rio de Janeiro, it’s far away from here but I’m planning to visit him someday and use the opportunity to meet the churches. The only one church i could find a Facebook page according by the photos, most of the their community is elderly, so I’m not too optimistic to meet many people from my age, specially female ones. That is not a problem of course, churches are not dating places! 🙂
After reading the article, I think the closest solution will be find someone who shares the same internal values and plans as me, but that still have a little bit of interest in searching for a good life philosophy, that Swedenborg provides perfectly, so it will be a natural way if she was truly interested. This, from my experience, it’s a very hard task outside the church.
Like i mentioned another day in another commentary, there is a very strong wave of self independence, detachment and materialism around people of my age now days, specially in media, that essentially condemns deeply emotionally relationships and marriage because of remnants of old patriarchy, when woman were obligated to serve their husbands, domestic violence reports and the divorce rates exponentially growing. They are becoming scared of get involved, becoming scared of the future, any sign of conflict, instead of trying to find a solution, they run away because there isn’t anything backing up behind for staying in the relationship, that is in most of cases, believing in God and the possibility of eternity. I guess that is why casual relationships are so easy to get, you don’t need to make efforts and whatever if the other called you another day or not, you don’t have anything with each other.
My point is that Christians are taught very young that marriage is sacred (even those who believes that it ends after the death), so it’s easily to see future and have more confidence when you meet someone religious and when problems appears. The thing is that those Christians are generally brainwashed by those wrong doctrines and you can’t expect that they will change it, since that is what they truly believe. That is why finding someone in the “middle” could be a good strategy.
Blessings!
Hi Caio,
The map of worldwide New Church locations here shows three churches in the Rio de Janeiro area, and one in Curitiba. All three have the same link to a general Brazilian Swedenborgian website, which doesn’t seem to list local congregations.
FYI, all four of the churches in Brazil belong to the General Church, which is the most conservative branch of Swedenborgians. They’re the ones that declared that Swedenborg’s writings are the Word, and are thus “authoritative,” when they broke off from my denomination in North America in 1890. Still worth making contact if you’re in the area. But they may or may not be your type of people.
And yes many, if not most of our churches are quite elderly these days. It is questionable whether the current organized New Church will last many more decades.
Hi, Lee
Outch, Brazil seems like a synonymous for conservative things! 😂
The last paragraph is interesting tho, how you see the future of the New Church?
Your blog and your books are one, if not, the best New Church content spreader of the world.
I’m pretty sure Emmanuel Swedenborg himself will thank you and Annette personally in Heaven for making such a great favor in helping and show others about what True Christianity is.
Blessings!
Hi Caio,
Thanks for your kind words. That is our effort and our goal. And I do hope to have a little chat with Swedenborg one day. 🙂
I don’t have a clear idea what the future of the new church will be. It won’t be like the existing churches. Of that I’m quite certain. The existing churches are built for an older era and paradigm. They won’t work in the new era. That’s why people are steadily abandoning them.
There are a number of indications in the Bible and in Swedenborg’s writings what the new church might look like. For one thing, when Swedenborg defines the church, he does not speak of an institution, but of a worldwide spiritual community of all people who accept and follow a particular Christian faith—and even non-Christians who live good lives from a good heart. So my tendency is to believe that the new church will not be an institution in the usual sense, like the Catholic Church or the Lutheran Church.
Another indication is how Jesus organized his own “church.” There were no priests, and no sacrificial rituals. Instead of the existing vast system of rituals, there was baptism and the holy supper. Instead of priests, there were disciples, which are “learners,” and apostles, which are learners that are now being sent out to share with others what they have learned. Presumably Jesus had some idea what he was doing. So another tendency of mine is to believe that the new church will not have priests or ministers standing between the people and God, but will instead have learners and teachers/preachers.
One more is that when Swedenborg describes a service of divine worship in heaven in Marriage Love #23–25, the entire service consists of a sermon and a closing prayer. There is no ritual described at all. Years ago I used to be annoyed at Swedenborg for not describing the order and ritual of the service. Then it finally dawned on me that he was describing the entire service, and there simply was no ritual as we are used to in our churches. Even the “temple” itself was more like a theater than a church. So another tendency is to believe that “worship” in the new church will be more like TED talks than like worship services as we know them in our churches today.
These are just a few of my thoughts about what the new church might look like. Pursuant to that, I am not at all interested in establishing any church. But I am interested in continuing to learn more about the faith and life of the new church, and teaching it to anyone who is interested. If people who learn about it then want to set up their own institutions, that’s on them.
Hi Caio,
I meant to add this link to my previous reply:
Christianity is Dead. Long Live Christianity!
Steve Buscemi is a very ugly man and an actor. Yet, in all the movies I’ve seen him in, he exudes confidence. He doesn’t allow his lack of handsomeness to get in his way of success.
Hi C.,
Good point! There’s much more to a man than his looks.
As for plastic surgery, that costs money. So handsome men save money because they don’t have to pay for plastic surgery, whereas unattractive men have to spend money for it and don’t have as much money to spare.
Solution: Handsome men can help pay the cost for plastic surgery of unattractive men. Almost like a tax, but not exactly.
Hi World Questioner,
And once again, it’s not going to happen.
Why not?
Hi World Questioner,
Human nature. That’s just not how this world works.
Additionally, plastic surgery only lasts as long as the physical body lasts. Didn’t Jesus, the apostle John, and Paul tell us to focus on things with eternal significance, not temporary Earthly things?
Did I get that right? Verse references?
Hi World Questioner,
Jesus certainly did: