It’s not fair that God made some people incredibly beautiful, and others just average!

Here’s a Spiritual Conundrum submitted to Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life by a reader named Kimberly:

How come some people are blessed with beauty, while others aren’t as beautiful aesthetically?

I guess I feel it’s unfair, how God made some people incredibly beautiful, while others are just average.

Okay, so I have a question for you, Kimberly:

Are you trying to get me into trouble with all the women and girls in the world?!?

But seriously . . . it’s a great question! At least, all the women I’ve mentioned it to so far think it is. And there are probably a lot of men who think the same thing, whether or not they’ll admit it.

Which woman will be more successful?

Which woman will be more successful?

Study after study shows that people who are beautiful are more successful financially, socially, intellectually, politically, and romantically than people who are not so beautiful. People who are beautiful also generally have a better self-image, and are more likely to approach everything they do with a belief that they will be successful. And though it certainly doesn’t guarantee success, the power of positive thinking does make people more likely to succeed.

So you may be surprised to hear that I agree with you. By almost any measure you care to make, it’s not fair that God made some people incredibly beautiful, and others just average.

Fairness comes only in the things that can’t be measured: spiritual things.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

First, let’s just admit that this is a real problem for many, many people, both women and men. Especially if you are a young woman just starting out in life, it can feel like your whole life depends on whether you were born with beautiful genomes, or whether your genetic roll of the dice came out snake eyes. And no matter who you are, your looks can have a major impact on your life.

This world isn’t fair

News flash! In this world, fairness is more the exception than the rule.

  • Some people are born rich, others are born poor.
  • Some people are born healthy, others are born with genetic diseases.
  • Some people have loving parents, others have abusive parents.
  • Some people have high intelligence, others have low intelligence.
  • Some are born with natural beauty, others are not so beautiful.

No matter how much we may attempt to bring fairness into human society, all around us we see unfairness, and even injustice. How is it fair that some people start out with all the advantages, while others have two strokes against them from the moment they’re born?

We can’t answer all of those questions right now. So let’s focus on the question at hand. To use Kimberly’s words, why are some people are blessed with beauty, while others aren’t as beautiful aesthetically?

There are many reasons given for this, such as:

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.

Different societies have different standards of beauty. For example, present-day Western standards of beauty generally require women to be very slender. But Middle Eastern cultures are more likely to prize fleshy, full-bodied women. Given that standards of beauty vary, can we really say that one woman (or man) is beautiful, and another is not?

If everyone were beautiful, nobody would be beautiful.

The Women's Bath, by Albrecht Durer, 1496

The Women’s Bath, by Albrecht Durer, 1496

We see beauty more clearly in contrast to lesser beauty and to ugliness. In a crowd of not so beautiful people, those who are beautiful stand out, and we appreciate their beauty more. That’s why classic artwork sometimes shows a beautiful woman surrounded by women who are less beautiful and even ugly according to societal standards of beauty at the time. And in today’s popular movie industry, the leading female characters are likely to be the most beautiful women on the cast, and plain women are included in order to emphasize the beauty of the leading lady.

Beauty is skin deep. Inner beauty is what really counts.

You can’t judge a book by its cover. A person who is physically beautiful may be vain, selfish, egotistical, and generally ugly in character. The true measure of a woman (or man) is her character. In the end, people who are kind, loving, and thoughtful will be more loved and more fulfilled in life than those who are physically beautiful but spiritually repellent.

Yes, but what about fairness?

All of these are good and valid points. They offer perspectives that can help us to sort out issues of physical beauty, average looks, and ugliness in our minds.

But they still don’t address the issue of fairness.

How is it fair that beautiful people have so many advantages over those who are less beautiful, or are physically disfigured?

And even though societal standards of beauty may vary, the practical reality is that we live in particular societies that have particular standards of beauty. If we measure up to those standards of beauty, it gives us social, financial, political, and sexual advantages over those who don’t.

Besides, it’s a little too facile to say that beauty is just arbitrary. In fact, studies show that beauty is a general physical indicator of health, intelligence, and reproductive fitness. Beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder. It is also linked to real physical and mental advantages. (And incidentally, faces that are an average of many faces are considered more beautiful than those that are very different from the norm.)

Finally, though people who have good character but not physical attractiveness certainly can and do achieve success, they have to be more determined and work harder to achieve it. Meanwhile, those who are both beautiful and have strong character still have the advantage.

How is this fair?

And to take up Kimberly’s question, why did God make some people incredibly beautiful, while others are just average?

Physical fairness vs. spiritual fairness

Fairness is a human concept and a human virtue.

Throughout nature, there is no such thing as fairness. In nature, the young and strong prevail, while the old and weak die. In nature, physical beauty and power also give great advantages. The male peacock with the most beautiful feathers will get the females. And the healthiest and strongest male lion will get all of the available female lions, while lesser males must live as loners with no reproductive and genetic future.

Despite all the platitudes about how physical beauty doesn’t matter, the fact is that it does matter not only in the world of nature, but in the world of human culture, business, finance, and politics.

Which woman will be more successful?

Which woman will be more successful?

So let’s just admit that when it comes to our place in the material world and in human society here on earth, beauty does matter, and it’s not fair that some people have great physical beauty while others do not.

If your focus is on success in the material world, there is no fairness. If you’re beautiful, you have a big advantage. If you’re not, you’re going to have to work a lot harder—and even if you do, you’ll probably be less successful than if you were beautiful.

Fairness is a human concept because fairness is a spiritual concept, and it exists only in spiritual things, not material things.

Yes, it’s true that God created a world in which people who are incredibly beautiful have an advantage over those who are just average. We call that world the material world.

But God also created a world in which not only physical beauty, but material, social, financial, and political success do not give any advantages. In that world, even a naturally good, pleasant, and sociable character doesn’t give any advantages. We call that world the spiritual world.

Physical beauty gives no spiritual advantages

Materially, there is no fairness except whatever fairness we humans manage to impose on an unfair world.

But spiritually, those who are beautiful have no advantage at all over those who are not.

In fact, spiritually, physical beauty can even be a negative.

Women who are very beautiful often depend on their beauty for their livelihood.

  • Some use their beauty to catch a wealthy man who will support them.
  • Some use their beauty to launch a career in modeling or acting.
  • Some use their beauty to support themselves through stripping or pornography.
  • And of course, some use their beauty to secure advancement in business or politics.

To the extent that a woman’s livelihood depends upon her physical beauty, she must spend a great deal of time and money cultivating and preserving her beauty. In fact, it commonly becomes the primary focus of her life. She will spend hours and hours each day grooming herself and tending to her physical health, and will spend thousands of dollars on beauty products, beauty salons, and cosmetic surgery.

Certainly it is a good idea to tend to the health and fitness of our physical body. But people who possess great beauty can become so focused on their physical beauty that it pulls them away from any kind of spiritual, emotional, and intellectual development.

How can a woman (or a man, for that matter) develop as a person if nearly every waking moment is spent focused on her physical body and her physical beauty? Where is the time for reading and contemplation, for thought and intellectual development, for focusing on the human relationships and spiritual growth that truly matter, and that make us truly human and not just a highly successful species of animal?

Yes, as much as physical beauty provides an unfair advantage in the material and social world, it can easily become a huge distraction and disadvantage spiritually.

Spiritual fairness

Spiritually speaking, those who have physical beauty have no advantage at all over those who don’t. Spiritually, there is no unfairness. Because spiritually, what counts is developing a character that includes love, understanding, and a dedication to serving and caring for our fellow human beings.

Beauty is a God-given blessing. But only for those who are not focused on their beauty. People with great physical beauty can just as easily use it for selfish ends—to get money, power, sex, and success for themselves—as they can for selfless purposes, such as bringing enjoyment and happiness to others.

Spiritually speaking, beauty is a blessing for those who devote their lives to loving and serving their fellow human beings, but a curse for those who devote their lives—and their beauty—to their own wealth, power, and pleasure.

Spiritually speaking, people who are born with just average looks, or even with ugly and disfigured faces, are at no disadvantage compared to those who have great physical beauty. In fact, if those who suffer from physical disadvantages don’t become bitter and envious, their “average looks” can be a spiritual advantage to them. As they struggle to overcome their natural disadvantages, they can and commonly do develop a depth of character, love, and compassion for their fellow human beings that is often lacking in people who were born with all the material advantages of beauty, wealth, and power.

Spiritually speaking, God is 100% fair. Whatever our physical advantages and disadvantages may be, we can still choose to focus our life on love and understanding rather than on selfishness and bitterness.

This world is unfair. It favors the beautiful, the rich, and the powerful over the average, the poor, and the powerless.

But when we arrive at the doorstep of our eternal home in the spiritual world, none of that will matter.

God and the angels will not ask us how beautiful we were, how much money we made, how much power we had, or how good our sex was.

Instead, they will ask us what we did with our beauty or with our average looks. They will ask whether we developed the inner beauty that comes from love, compassion, understanding, concern, and practical service to our fellow human beings.

And you know what?

In the spiritual world, where we will live forever, our face and body will be beautiful, average, or ugly depending on whether we have become a beautiful, average, or ugly person in spirit through our life and our choices here on earth.

Which would you rather have:

  1. Physical beauty that lasts only a few decades? Or,
  2. Beauty in both body and spirit that lasts forever?

This article is a response to a spiritual conundrum submitted by a reader.

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About

Lee Woofenden is an ordained minister, writer, editor, translator, and teacher. He enjoys taking spiritual insights from the Bible and the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg and putting them into plain English as guides for everyday life.

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160 comments on “It’s not fair that God made some people incredibly beautiful, and others just average!
  1. Doug Webber says:

    There is a problem on the other side of the coin: beautiful women are heavily discriminated against and excluded by other women. The jealousy is intense. All a beautiful woman has to do is show up in a room and her very presence bothers other women. They literally just “turn their butts” and try to pretend they are not there, the behavior is ridiculous. There is a LOT of discrimination based on external beauty. And since I have friends who tell me this, it is really, really getting tiring to hear about this.

    And the sad thing is, this attitude shows up in churches. It is also problematic in work environments. So in the end, these beautiful women avoid going to church, its like shoving Daniel into the lion’s den. And they don’t even know who the person is, and as a result people from other cultures will turn away from Christianity. So for these beautiful women I tell them, it has nothing to do with you, basically in the U.S., people are lonely, and starving for attention, and people act according to their level of understanding. It is a product of the U.S. culture, and has nothing to do with true Christianity of loving others, no matter who they are.

    So the problem does not originate from beautiful women. It comes from inside. It is the attitudes we hold to be true which leads to this kind of behavior.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Doug,

      Thanks for your thoughts. It is similar to the striving and jealousy among men about possession of money and power. In both cases, it shows a focus on material things to the exclusion of spiritual things. The general materialism of society does, unfortunately, extend to the institutions of the church. That is one of the reasons those old church institutions are steadily dying off. They are no longer focused on the reason and goal of their existence: to bring God and spirit to the people, and guide the people toward spiritual life.

    • Babs says:

      And this is 2014…did you know, and perhaps you do, that in Puritan Massachusetts pretty women were banned from going to church altogether? It was feared that it would cause lust and jealousy, resulting in turmoil and sin among the congregation.
      The Greeks said it best (I love their philosophy): ‘Beauty is one of the gods’ most tragic gifts. It causes envy in the same sex and lust in the opposite…and it is the first gift to go as time goes on.’

      Well…the good news is that in today’s modern world, many women (and men) look great in their later years due to anti-aging products (and in some cases…great genes!) So we have ‘cougars’ and ‘silver foxes’. Just thought I would add some positiveness.

    • hollisss says:

      “There is a problem on the other side of the coin: beautiful women are heavily discriminated against and excluded by other women. The jealousy is intense.” Really? Heavily discriminated against? Jealousy? How do you know how the unfortunate women truly feel? That is so not true that they are “heavily” discriminated against. Maybe in your circle of female friends. Still weird though.

      The only beautiful women I know who may be discriminated against are the ones who spend their time looking down their noses at the less fortunate. ie: High School.

      As a man you possibly do not know that we women do look at other women and think how beautiful she is. Just like you do. While on the beach I look at other women and think ooh I wish I had her flat butt so my bikini bottoms would hang off like that. Why else do we buy beauty magazines and go to the same movies as you do? We too don’t want to stare up at a screen with “ugly” people on it either.

      I actually think your post is hysterical and funny that you have sooo many Beautiful Women friends that tell you this. I am also not totally sure you are a man. Maybe you are one of those beautiful women who are discriminated against and therefore you should look into your personality. That is probably more the issue. Your post alone contains a bitter tone.

      • hollisss says:

        Doug I wanted to add a p.s. Your post clearly made me laugh but I wanted to explain why.

        I was once one of those women you describe as unfortunate. Back in my awkward stage as a teenager. I wanted more than anything to look like the cheerleaders and be one of them. I never once held any jealousy or hostility towards them. I thought they were amazing.

        Yes, I emerged a swan as I wrote below in my post to Babs. But even as a Swan I have never once came across a mean “unfortunate girl” (as you call them). If anything I suddenly got (and still do get) positive attention from everyone. Simply by walking in a room.

        At first it was like going to heaven until I realized how sad it is that I had to become pretty in order to garner attention.

        Which is why I [heavily] disagree that pretty women are heavily discriminated against. I am living proof that they are not.

      • Lee says:

        Hi hollisss,

        Welcome to Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life! And thanks for all your comments. Though none of them are addressed to me specifically, I want to mention that I enjoyed your good thoughts, spoken from personal experience.

        The inner attitude of beautiful people has a lot to do with how people respond to them. Those who are humble about their beauty and kind to other people will generate a very different response than those who are vain because of their physical beauty and look down their noses at less (physically) beautiful people.

        Of course, as you yourself have experienced, physical beauty itself, or lack thereof, also has a big effect on how people respond to you. That is an unfortunate fact of life in the real world.

        Doug is a man, but one who charts his own course of thinking. Naturally I don’t agree with everything he says. However, he adds a different perspective to the conversation–and one that, as you can see, generates many thoughtful responses.

        Thanks again for contributing to the conversation! I don’t see any need to respond personally to each of your comments. They speak for themselves. But I did enjoy reading all of them. Please feel free to browse the articles here and add any of your further thoughts.

        • hollisss says:

          Thank you Lee. I feel bad that I got mad at Doug but his theory just sounded so silly. I like your site! I plan on perusing it more :))

        • Lee says:

          Hi hollisss,

          To be fair to Doug, men generally find women’s minds to be very opaque and confusing. (Anyone who believes that women and men think the same way just isn’t paying attention!) Despite all my years of marriage I have only a vague notion of how women’s minds work in reality, beyond the theories–though I think I’m a little better at it than when I was as a foolish teenager.

          I’m glad you’re enjoying the site! I’d say feel free to add your comments and questions, but my sense is that that’s not going to be a problem for you! 😛

      • Babs says:

        Bitter, yes…hateful, no. (Oh, that is not my post…but don’t be ‘bitter’ yourself, dear one)

        • hollisss says:

          Not bitter at all. I was just responding to Doug’s insulting post. I don’t see how it’s fair of him to say how the “less fortunate” feel simply based on what he has been told by the plethora of amazing beauties (such as yourself) that he knows.

          Has he heard from the horses mouth themselves or is he simply believing the gorgeous ladies he seems to attract and surround himself with?

        • Babs says:

          Huh? Do you look like the amazing Vivian Leigh? Or it is Vivien…

        • hollisss says:

          Babs, no I have been told I look like Nicole Kidman and Christie Brinkley though. I would love to look like Vivien or even Olivia de Havilland who I find even more beautiful.

        • Babs says:

          Yeah…Olivia looked stunning as Maid Marion in Robin Hood…with equally stunning Errol Flynn.

    • anon says:

      I don’t pity those so called beautiful women at all. If they are shunned or whatever they kind of deserve it, they get all the undue advantages (meaning they didn’t actually DO anything to really deserve it!!) and you think they deserve pity for that??!! Give me a break. More often than not they are treated with more kindness while others who are just average or termed ‘ugly’ on the exterior aren’t treated so nicely for the most part. So quite frankly it’s BS. A lot of the times these so called women are so arrogant in their behavior too, they think they are all better than you and treat others with disrespect and rudeness. I don’t care if they look nice on the inside when they act rudely and with disrespect they’re not beautiful at all. Let them have a taste of what its like to be treated poorly for no reason.

      • Babs says:

        Agree to only some extent. Not all beautiful women are catty, rude, mean…there are examples in our town of considerate women who have nice kids that love animals and rescue them (and bring them to my home!)
        It is disturbing when a physically beautiful woman manipulates and gets whatever she wants (including undeserved kindness), but why aren’t we faulting men for that?
        When men stop being such dopes about beautiful women maybe what you posted here would have more merit?
        Men are getting off far easier from all of this hype.

        Nobody/hardly ever/picks on men…

        • Lee says:

          Hi Babs,

          I agree with you that there are many beautiful women who are also very good and kind people.

          But as for blaming men for beautiful women using their beauty to manipulate people and get what they want, I can’t agree with you there.

          It’s true that men can be real dopes and suckers for a beautiful woman. But it seems to me that beautiful women often play that for all its worth, and use men’s weakness for female beauty to get the things they want out of them. Is it really fair to blame men for the fact that many women are all too eager to take advantage of the hormones that make so many men stupid and weak-willed when in the presence of a beautiful woman who knows what she wants and is very skilled at using her natural assets to get it?

          Not that I let those weak-willed men off the hook either. But I’d say that in the gender wars, women can give as good as they get.

          And if you think that nobody hardly ever picks on men, obviously you have never been a man! 😛

        • Barbara says:

          I want to apologize for any comment that was distasteful to anyone…I am horrified that I posted, “Where is the logic in religion?” So sorry.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Barbara / Babs,

          I’m not sure what comment you’re referring to, but thanks for the apology anyway. I do understand that religion can get a person fired up, and not always in a good way. Unfortunately, many people do terrible things in the name of religion. Some anger and frustration at that is inevitable. Though your comments are sometimes a bit raw, there is an honesty to them that I appreciate. As long as you’re not attacking anyone personally, I think we can handle a little heat here. 😉

        • Barbara says:

          You are so sweet! My husband will say to me, “Shaduppa youse face!” in his ‘mafia’ tone of voice.

        • gordon says:

          Why does beauty give people entitlement syndrome in the dating world? why is there zero room for compromise for the fleshly desire of a spouse at the level of beauty, according to society… Those who date for beauty want to live a picture perfect life, because thats how they are perceived. BUT THE people who this happens to generally hold themselves higher than others in regards to selection of who to date. why is it so important to develope the barbie and ken type fantasy? Isnt it the person themselves who makes the decsiions and not societal influence??

      • Lee says:

        Hi anon,

        Thanks for stopping by and expressing your thoughts on the subject. A bit rough around the edges, but unfortunately, there’s a lot of truth to what you say. Many beautiful women do think they’re God’s gift to humanity—and to men—just because they happened to be born with the genetics for the physical appearance that their culture finds beautiful.

        But not all beautiful women are arrogant and rude. As with any other natural gift, it all depends on what you do with it. There are many beautiful women who are also good and kind people. When it comes to character, it’s what we do with what we’ve got that really matters.

        It’s not our job to give people a taste of their own medicine. Those beautiful women who are ugly in spirit will sooner or later bring the bitterness they have dished out on others back onto themselves. For many of them, it happens here on earth. As they get older and their beauty fades, their self-absorbed character begins to overcome their physical beauty, and they find themselves becoming isolated and bitter.

        Even if it doesn’t happen in this life, it will certainly happen in the next. There, our outer beauty or lack thereof reflects our inner beauty or lack thereof. In the spiritual world, women (and men) who are kind, thoughtful, and generous in spirit will be beautiful in appearance, whereas women (and men) who are rude, arrogant, selfish, and disdainful will be ugly in appearance. Then those women who have vaunted themselves in their physical beauty while looking down on and mistreating others will experience what it is like to be among the ugly rather than among the beautiful.

        There is no need for less beautiful people to be jealous of and bitter toward the beautiful people. In the end, the character we build within ourselves will determine our long-term happiness or unhappiness. My suggestion: don’t worry about the beautiful people. Focus on showing others the thoughtfulness and kindness that you like to see in other people, and in the end you will have a happier life than if you had great physical beauty but developed a vain, self-centered character as a result.

      • Trisha says:

        So …beautiful women deserve discrimination for being beautiful and not beautiful women get discriminated against for not being beautiful …

        Hmmm… So women get discriminated against 100% of the time whether they are pretty or not.
        I’m not seeing any positive resolutions here….?!

        I didn’t realize some people deserved discrimination ??
        That’s a new one.

        And I really hope you aren’t a Christian voicing such ungodly opinions. Wanting to reap pain on another woman bc you may not be as pretty as her.
        You may have other advantages that she does not.
        I believe life is fair.
        And God divides equally.
        What you have she does not and what she has you do not.
        You cannot see into her life.
        Maybe she was not blessed with a great life and friends but you were.
        Never want what someone else has. As you do not know the cost.
        I believe there is a cost to beauty.
        God may have given beauty bc he knew her life would be tragic and traumatic.
        Maybe you’re a scientist but she can’t even do algebra. She wishes for the brains you have and you envy the beauty she has.
        No one has everything.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Trisha,

          Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I don’t think “anon” is still around to respond. I do agree with you, of course, that women should not be discriminated against for being beautiful—nor should they be discriminated against if they are not beautiful by society’s standards. Thanks again for expressing your thoughts here.

    • Ashton King says:

      Damn I really never thought of it that way. Like I bet you if you told that to every christian or person who believes in god in the world they would change the way they thought about beauty and who they date. After I read that I could care less if I’m attractive or not and if who I date is. I also think other people would too.

    • momofalexis says:

      This is so true. I have been told by people all my life that I am visually appealing, although I think I am average. I do not put time into vanity, but I desire to please God by using my gifts for him. I have however had so many women treat me poorly, even when I try with all my might to be kind and friendly towards them. The reason I found this post was because I googled why some are blessed with beautt and others are not. I never understood why so many women treated me so cruel and gave me the cold shoulder until many of my family members and close friends told me that some women are naturally jealous of other women that they think are beautiful. I don’t understand this because I love people, no matter what they look like. I am often lonely and out casted in social situations, and I have been treated poorly by women from churches that I have attended. Other women my age in our churches are loved and talked to, invited to parties, and never have women try to make them feel low bout themselves. Many women i have been around try to make me feel like the things I do aren’t good enough. Thankfully the lord gave me a wonderful sister who loves me unconditionally and a husband that has always been my very best friend. He also blessed me with a lovely daughter! Thank you for this post, it helps me understand a bit better. God bless you all and please pray that these bitter people will be able to see someone for their inner Godly beauty, and not judge them based on physical appearance alone. Thank you!

      • Lee says:

        Hi momofalexis,

        Thanks for stopping by, and for sharing your story. I’m glad this article and the comments are helpful to you! And I am glad to hear that although you’ve had your struggles related to physical beauty, you have around you a husband and family members who love you for who you are. That is very important! And of course, God looks on the heart rather than at the physical appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).

        Godspeed on your spiritual journey!

  2. Rob says:

    Its hard to get beyond this when our culture is saturated with these beauty standards. Worse now that its in our face most waking hours via the internet and our many devices.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Rob,

      Agreed! However, it also serves as an acid test for us as to whether we will focus our life on higher and more worthy things, or will let ourselves get sidetracked by the many superficial attractions of the material world. Material beauty, possessions, and enjoyments are meant by God to be pleasant add-ons to or lives, not the main focus of our lives.

  3. Babs says:

    I have been told my whole life that I am gorgeous…not just beautiful…but the big “G”. I was compared to the late Natalie Wood all throughout my 20s…and then it changed to Pat Benatar when I was in my 30s.

    Suffice it to say…gamine ‘good girl’ looks…waif-like…big eyes

    And my life has been a living Hell. Would not wish my life on anybody…abusive parents and siblings, loss of jobs, hostile jealous women (E-Gads…women are just awful to their fairer ‘sisters’…)

    Not so for all beauties, that life is better for them. Not so at all.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Babs,

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. You make a great point–very similar to what Doug Webber said in a comment just above. Sorry to hear that your beauty has made life so difficult for you. It should not be that way.

      This is the other side of the coin of why beautiful people tend to spend their time with one another rather than with less beautiful people. It’s usually blamed on snobbery on the part of the beautiful people. And that certainly is a factor in some cases. But jealousy, bitterness, and hostility on the part of less beautiful people plays just as big a role in it–if not bigger. And as you say, other women are be the worst! The wrongs of men are usually fairly obvious, as are their destructive results. But the wrongs of women are more insidious in their power to tear down the human spirit.

      Why do beautiful celebs so often marry other beautiful celebs? For many reasons, I’m sure. But a big one is that it levels the playing field in the relationship by removing physical beauty as an issue. It also heads off the media frenzy about “beautiful celebrities with ugly partners”–which is quite shameful on the part of the media, and on the part of the body-focused public that eats up that drivel. (For another angle on this, see my article, Hugh Jackman Battles . . . Gossip?)

      In the end, your physical beauty (or lack thereof) won’t make any difference. It will be the inner character you build that will determine your eternal future.

      Thanks again for stopping by. I hope you are able to find some happiness in life.

      • Babs says:

        Thank you, so much, Lee for your insight and kindness. I try to look at it from the “Seinfeld” perspective (and my life has been like George Costanza’s…sometimes he creates his own problems…). But at one job the hateful and jealous women there were totally overboard.
        My sister-in-law is also a beauty…jet black hair and blue eyes (and her friend is a beautiful model). Sister-in-law lives in Section 8 housing, and the friend has six kids and lives in wealth.
        Looks can/and do work against you…hopefully that ‘inner character’ will come shining through! Read great books/novels and you find it usually does! A wise author knows how to bring the truth to fruition.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Babs,

          You’re welcome.

          I should add that abusive parents (and other family members) cause two strokes against anyone, regardless of their physical beauty or lack thereof. Without an emotionally healthy start, it is very hard to live a socially healthy and fulfilling life.

          Very hard . . . but not impossible. It takes a lot of self-awareness and hard emotional work make some headway in unraveling the damage done to us in our childhood and youth by abusive family members.

          I wish you all the best in finding your own path toward a happier and more fulfilling life.

    • hollisss says:

      Wow no wonder Doug feels the way he does. Babs you are spending time with the wrong women! Who are these ladies? I have never experienced plain looking people discussing any hostility to those who are beautiful. If anything my plain friends are exactly the same personality wise as those that are gorgeous.

      In fact when I was in my ugly duckling phase I was teased by guys and girls. Once I exited as a swan suddenly people (especially girls) were interested in what I had to say. They were nicer to me. I was so relieved but at the same time a little sad.

      The same boys that teased me suddenly were winking at me? Due to that I hate being flirted with. I am utterly “unflirtable”. It actually gives me shivers when anyone tries to tell me I am a milf as if I am supposed to be flattered.

      Like Doug are you sure you aren’t giving off a snobbishness? Something that is making people feel you are not kind? Even though I am pretty now I guess I am still humble due to all the negative attention I got in my skinny awkward stage.

      I love all people and rarely even notice their outsides. It’s just not a thought that enters my head when striking up a conversation. Unless they are being cold and judgmental or cruel I am there. Although I must admit that intrigues me so I usually approach them anyway out of curiosity.

    • Truthy says:

      I feel ya. Have lost so many jobs and women don’t want to even speak to me. I have less respect for women as a result.

    • Truthy says:

      A living hell is correct. I get treated like I’m a bad person because of how I look or that I’m stupid. You can’t be a good person or smart person by society’s standards if your beautiful.

  4. SeunAlaba says:

    I really appreciate this article,as well as the question that brought it up. The unflattering reality of life as well as the hope of the righteous and fair age to come that we can live for now and look forward to as humans. Really appreciate the angle to which you took the article to. Thanks. Wish you a happy new year

  5. therobertdan says:

    I disagree. Even spiritually, God is not fair. You said we can choose to focus on our spiritual lives. But that’s not true. We don’t really have as much choice in life as we think we have. All our choices are dependent on outer influences. And most choices we make in life therefore will not be completely ours. This is also how advertising works, it literally brainwashes us, and narrows down our choices and eventually we’ll buy what’s more familiar or most talked about.

    Even if the person might have had some opportunities to become a believer, all the cards were stacked against him from the beginning. Whereas others were born in Christian families, were influenced by their parents and blindly led to follow Christianity without even reading the Bible and the conclusion is they just got lucky. If the same person had been born in an environment where atheism was the norm, it would’ve been an extremely difficult journey to become a Christian, people around him would have laughed him out.

    God has made it extremely difficult for many to find him or believe in him and make it even harder to believe in him. And yet then according to the Bible, those who don’t believe, but were aware of the option to believe, go to hell? That’s absolutely rubbish and ridiculous judgment. I would send God to prison for such poor judgment. He better have some backup plan.

    Many people who go through depression, are ugly all their lives, unsuccessful in all areas of life, they have bad relationships, bad health and no wealth, yet have enough intelligence to think tend to not believe in God and rather hate God and the idea of God. Their only wish is they would have never existed and that they could just cease to exist. They’re living a hell on Earth already, but that’s not enough for God, as he will send the poor fellow to hell.

    Furthermore, since at one point our brains stop developing, it will be much harder to change any existing beliefs. In fact, for most, it’s nearly impossible and it’s just not going to happen. They will be stuck with the beliefs they have until they die, regardless of their optimistic and positive attitude, believing they can change. You can’t fight biology, at least not yet.

    And there we go, because of the influences I’ve had, and what I’ve read and because of my personality and way of reacting and way of thinking, I ended up being an agnostic. And it’s almost impossible to go into any other state now. I really want to believe, I do, but my brain is just incapable of doing it, and I can’t explain it. So I am going to hell forever. Just brilliant!

    And to make it worse, my stay here on Earth hasn’t been so great either, except for being able to be financially successful, which I do know is a big blessing. But I am ugly, have always been depressed, have never had any relationships, have never been incapable of making friends and I have have terrible health. I am living a miserable life, fortunately wealth compensates for it a little bit. I would have killed myself a long time ago had I turned out poor as well.

    • Lee says:

      Hi therobertdan,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. It sounds like you have had and continue to have many struggles, but also enough financial success to keep you going despite all the other negatives in your life.

      On top of all that you have a thinking mind, which prompts you to consider the human situation and ponder whether there is any meaning or justice to it. That is another big blessing, even though it may sometimes feel more like a curse.

      You say that you really want to believe. I’ll take you at your word. Perhaps I can offer a few thoughts that may make it a little more possible for you to believe.

      You ask many big questions, and bring up many good points, which would take many hours to fully respond to. So I hope you don’t mind if I first refer you to some of my previously written articles, which address some of your issues. If you’re willing to take the time and make the effort, there are good answers to all of your questions.

      About having to believe and be a Christian to be saved, please see this article:
      If there’s One God, Why All the Different Religions?
      It’s just not true that the Bible says you have to be a Christian to be saved. On this, see also the article:
      “Christian Beliefs” that the Bible Doesn’t Teach

      About God sending people to hell . . . that just doesn’t happen. If people go to hell, it is their own choice, not God’s. God loves all people, both good and bad, and works ceaselessly to bring us all out of hell and into heaven, but will not violate our freedom and humanity in order to do so. Please see the article:
      Is There Really a Hell? What is it Like?

      And one more link for now:
      Can Gang Members Go to Heaven? (Is Life Fair?)
      God does not hold us to some absolute standard. We are judged only by what we know, believe, and act upon, not by things we don’t know or believe or act upon.

      I’ll respond to some of your other particular questions and statements in a separate comment.

    • Lee says:

      Hi therobertdan,

      Now to take up some of the specific issues you raise that may not be directly answered in the articles I referred you to in my last comment.

      It is true that we are not totally free. Many of our choices are heavily influenced by circumstances and forces beyond our control.

      However, God does not hold us responsible for anything beyond our control. We are held responsible only for the choices we can make within the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

      Even if our choices may be limited by circumstances, we all do still have some choice. If, within that smaller area of choice, we choose to move toward the good rather than toward the evil, that is all God asks of us.

      About advertising: Ad agencies operate on a fairly simple principle: appeal to people’s wants and desires, and offer the product as a way to satisfy those wants and desires. Advertising does not control people; people control advertising. If the people did not have those particular wants and desires, the advertisers would have no hook with which to draw them toward purchasing those products and services.

      For example, people go for ads that promise popularity and fitting in with the crowd because people have a desire to be popular and fit in with the crowd. It is the wants and desires within the people that drive them, not the ads. Advertisers simply tap into those wants and desires and use them to sell products to people. Advertisers are slaves to the popular will.

      If we change our wants and desires–which is within our power to do–then the advertisers of products that used to appeal to us will have no further power over us. They will have an effect only as they help us to fulfill our legitimate wants and desires, such as obtaining a pair of shoes that will work for the particular type of sports or other activities that we wish to engage in.

      Advertising is not necessarily evil. It serves a use in society. What that use will be is determined by our own choices as to what we consider important and worth striving for in life.

      The reality is that we live in a rather materialistic culture full of people who want to have many material possessions and want to be popular and fit in with the crowd, while still having a sense of uniqueness and individuality. So when advertisers offer products that promise to satisfy those desires–and that at least to some extent fulfill their promises–people will flock to buy those products.

      Personally, I pay very little attention to most advertising because I have little interest in the particular benefits they offer. Do you consider yourself to be a slave of advertisers? Or do you purchase products that serve the wants and needs that you yourself have, based on your own goals and priorities in life?

      Okay, it looks like it will take a few more comments, not just one more, to respond to your comments and questions.

    • Lee says:

      Hi therobertdan,

      Though it’s already covered in some of the articles I referred you to, I’ll repeat here that God reaches out to us in many ways, and through many religions, not just through one religion. Even those who are not religious, such as agnostics, atheists, and people who are simply apathetic about or uninterested in religion, do have some sense of right or wrong that they either live by or don’t live by.

      In a very broad sense, you can think of God as everything that is good and true.

      Do you have a sense of right and wrong? Do you have a sense that some things are good and true, whereas other things are evil and false?

      If so, then you have at least a stand-in for a belief in God. In a broad sense, “believing” or “having faith” means accepting and acting upon the idea that there is some greater good and some greater truth in life than just serving yourself and satisfying your own personal wants and needs.

      The question in God’s mind is not what particular religion you belong to, but whether you live by the beliefs that you do hold to.

      An atheist or agnostic who believes in justice, rationality, and the good of humanity will go to heaven if he or she actually lives by those beliefs. That’s because those beliefs embody characteristics of God expressed in the person’s actions, according to that person’s own conscience. In Biblical terms, believing in the “name” of God means believing in and living by the qualities and characteristics of God.

      In short, you are not cut out of heaven, or going to hell, just because you are an agnostic.

      Do you have a value system that includes some belief in caring about your fellow human beings and doing something constructive and useful for them? And do you live by that value system? If the answers to these questions is “yes,” you will find yourself in heaven, not in hell, when your life here on earth is over.

      Even if you have not come to an explicit belief in God in this life, but have lived with your fellow human beings according to a reasonably decent code of ethics and values that you have adopted as your own, you will find in the afterlife that the ethics and values you have held to and lived by are, in fact, expressions of God. This means that you really were believing in God in your actions, if not in your intellect.

      It is what we do based on our beliefs that counts, not what we believe apart from what we do.

      • CKKOY says:

        Hello Lee,

        I conducted a Google search, in order to find answers to the question ‘Is it not unfair that some people are born into Christian families and other people are not?’, asked to me by a non-Christian hall-mate at university.
        Subsequently, I came across this article about beauty.
        I read your comment above to therobertdan, but I do not (yet) wholly agree with all that you have stated.

        In particular, please could you give Biblical justification for the following extracts of your answer?

        1. ‘An atheist or agnostic who believes in justice, rationality, and the good of humanity will go to heaven if he or she actually lives by those beliefs. That’s because those beliefs embody characteristics of God expressed in the person’s actions, according to that person’s own conscience. In Biblical terms, believing in the “name” of God means believing in and living by the qualities and characteristics of God.’

        2. ‘Do you have a value system that includes some belief in caring about your fellow human beings and doing something constructive and useful for them? And do you live by that value system? If the answers to these questions is “yes,” you will find yourself in heaven, not in hell, when your life here on earth is over.’

        According to my knowledge, one can only be saved by acknowledging and confessing with one’s lips that Jesus is Lord and believing in one’s heart that God raised Him from the dead (see Romans 10:9).
        The two extracts above seem contradictory to this verse.

        Thank you.

    • Lee says:

      Hi therobertdan,

      There are many more things I could say in response to your clearly heartfelt thoughts and struggles in life. I do hope you will spend some time reading and pondering the above comments and the articles I referred you to in my first response.

      For now, I’ll address just one more thing:

      As you describe it, you have suffered and continue to suffer many struggles in life, and have held on only because you do recognize that you have at least one blessing–and I would say at least two blessings, if you include your thinking and pondering mind–that counteract what might otherwise be a plunge into total despair and a desire to end your life.

      May I suggest that the struggles you have had with physical ugliness, depression, lack of relationships, lack of friends, and poor health may be precisely what is driving you to think more deeply about life, and seek out the ultimate causes and realities of life rather than just skimming superficially over the surface?

      We humans would like nothing more than to have an easy, comfortable, and enjoyable life. And some people in our world seem to have that sort of life. But does it really make them better human beings? Many people who have grown up in wealth, comfort, and lack of struggle and conflict become superficial, self-absorbed, and self-centered people who do very little good in the world, and ultimately have an empty life.

      Clearly your many struggles have caused you to think more deeply than that.

      Why did you end out here, on a spiritual blog, reading an article about fairness and justice, or lack thereof, in a world that is supposedly ruled by a loving and just God? Is it because you are seeking deeper answers, and you desire to find some sense of ultimate justice, goodness, and love in a life that for you seems to have very little of them?

      I would encourage you not to give up in despair, but to keep seeking for answers to these difficult and heart-rending questions.

      It is when we feel an emptiness in our soul that we seek to fill it with something better. The very emptiness and pain in your soul can lead you to a new sense of God’s love, justice, and care for you and all others on this earth… if you follow through, and do not give up until you have found truly satisfying answers to these difficult and painful questions.

      I invite you to spend some time reading the articles I referred you to earlier. And one more article along the lines I have just been expressing:
      If God is Love, Why all the Pain and Suffering?

      I do not expect that any of these articles will instantly answer all of your questions. Truth comes to those who seek it doggedly and stubbornly. Answers come slowly to those who struggle with a broken heart and a broken spirit. But it is precisely when we recognize that our own efforts have failed to produce a happy and satisfying life that we are ready to receive a far greater blessing.

      You are in a position of radical questioning of life. You are at the point of decision about the ultimate goodness or evil of life. And that means you are at your most intensely human.

      I urge and encourage you to choose goodness, life, and yes, God in the best sense of the word God. If you do, and if you press your search for these things forward, you will, in time, find what you are seeking.

      If Annette and I can be of any further help to you along the way, as you struggle with these big issues and deep questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

    • Jay says:

      I totally agree
      With therobertdan because im in the same situation. I am ugly and because if my ugliness i havent really enjoyed my life. I never been in any relationships, i rarely go out. And so much more that talking about makes me want to wish i died a long time ago. Iv been miserable. And its all because of my looks. Thats the only reason. I keep thinkin to myself that god cursed me. And im also gona go to hell to because i hated god for wat he done to me. Makin me live a hellish life here on earth and im gona have a horrible afterlife. Because i lost faith. Looks mean everything. If ur good lookin ur whole life is just a breeze. Its simple as that.

      • Lee says:

        Hi Jay,

        Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear that your life is so difficult.

        However, as I said to Jesse in reply to his comment below, you do have a choice in the matter. If you choose to focus on your lack of physical attractiveness as the central fact of your life, then you have given it the power to destroy your life.

        Yes, physical beauty does help, and physical ugliness does hurt, in our materialistic society. However, in the end what will determine your life and future–including your eternal future–is your own choices about what to devote your life to. You can make a decision to focus your life less on your looks and more on what you can do to give others help and happiness. And if you do, you will find people warming up to you.

        Also, God will not send you to hell because you are angry at God. That’s not how it works. Please see this article:
        If You Think You’re Going to Hell, Please Read This First

        Your life is in your own hands. There’s no need to be miserable. Though you will have to struggle against your physical circumstances, and against your own miserable frame of mind, you can choose to overcome them and turn yourself toward a better life.

        Annette and I wish you all the best in doing so.

      • Jo Lee says:

        Ok I will tell you something. I was somewhat of a plain Jane and shy as a kid, and no boys noticed me, except maybe to taunt, but when I started developing and got to about the 3rd year of high school, oh boy was it a roller coaster ride. Suddenly I was the girl with the legs, or the blue eyes that even girls raved about and they didn’t do it in a lezzo way, but just typical girl ways, and anyway, since i was still rather shy, it wasn’t that good let me tell you. Boys start asking you to be their girl, you get unwanted attention and even gifts that others find out about and they make fun of you..The worst happened when the most popular boy in the school saw me and followed me everywhere, even finding my house and showing up one night. Then leaving school, naturally now I was older and almost fully grown and I was always one to dress modestly and not to say I didn’t ever try to seek a certain guys attention, but mostly I was not all that comfortable with ogling eyes. I preferred to be like one of the boys, but that only worked with some of the boys while their friends would be caught leering then whispering followed by laughing and I would get all embarrassed and want to run away. I never saw myself as attractive but these men obviously did and I was bombarded with compliments and I would get SOOOO annoyed hearing them. Most the time because the fella could not be trusted and you never ever knew if they weren’t just out to use you. This went on and on for years, and in the end every compliment just bounced off me. They became the worst thing I could hear. I ended up marrying, but even my marriage felt shallow at times. The marriage ended when I fell deep into depression and he couldn’t handle it. Believe me, there was nothing breezy about my life, it has been filled with pain, loss and countless failures, including my marriage. I am older now and have my 2 sons living with me and so glad that as I age, that my “looks” will fade and I will never again have to worry about compliments, unless it is about something I can do like a talent or an achievement. And I think of all the years I wasted being in relationships. Believe me if I had it to do over, I would have stayed the average Jane. God does not choose us based on looks, because God is not shallow, people are. Sure some attractive people use their looks, but not all do. It can be a blessing OR a curse. Maybe God doesn’t want someone superficial for you. Maybe he has someone far better in mind. Don’t forget, these beautiful people who wish to remain beautiful will have it a lot tougher as they age. They will want to stay young and beautiful and that will cost them. Think of all the botox and surgeries they will have. What makes a person really beautiful is their soul. My sister in law felt very uneasy about the man she met in a meditation group, even though they were just friends, she felt he may have had a crush on her, and she said to me, she didn’t want to sound mean, but he was not attractive at all. When I met him, I saw what she meant. Fat, heavily bearded and long hair in a ponytail and no, he wasn’t physically attractive, but he was a pretty cool fella and smart. She told me she liked him but she could not see herself ever being with someone that unappealing, Long story short I was bridesmaid at their wedding a few years later. She loves him very much, and he adores her. Everyone likes him, he is just one of those people.Eventually he tidied himself up a bit, but she loved him before that. Just don’t think God is against you because things don’t always go as you would like them to, Looks are only everything if you let them be. If you can play piano, you will play it exactly the same no matter how old you are. How long can you really be “good looking” for? Those people who have had it so easy as you say, because of their looks, will have absolutely nothing when they get older because the one thing they had will have gone. Find what you are good at,and trust God with everything else. While you are sitting in a room filled with God hatred and self pity, you could be out making friends and enjoying life the way God wants you to. You might even be robbing the world of an amazing talent or invention. Honestly beauty is not the be all and end all. I can vouch for that. I even tried to make myself unattractive because at least I thought I would not be judged like some prized cow that way. All people have problems regardless

        • Lee says:

          Hi Jo Lee,

          Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. You say very eloquently many things that would have gone very well into the article itself if it were a much longer article and if I could speak from the experience of being a woman—which I obviously can’t. I am grateful to you and the other women who have filled out the picture from a female perspective here in the comments.

          There’s no need for me to respond to everything you say. However, I do agree with you 100%: beauty can be a blessing or it can be a curse, depending on many different circumstances and factors. As I said in the article, one of those factors is what we do with it. But you bring up many other issues as well.

          In particular, the issue of men who are interested in women only for their physical beauty and the pleasure they (the men) can derive from it is a constant challenge for beautiful women who are also thoughtful and want relationships based on mutual respect and appreciation for one another’s character and values, and not just one another’s physical appearance. Of course, this can go the other way too. Unfortunately, many women do also seek out attractive men who have attractive wallets, and seek to use them to satisfy their own desires and pleasures. None of these superficial relationships based on self-interest end well.

          So yes, beauty can be a blessing or it can be a curse.

          I do hope that you’ll find some peace and real companionship as you move into your older years. When we’re young we just don’t have the experience and judgment to avoid many pitfalls that can dog us for decades. But we can learn from the mistakes of our youth, and their repercussions. Through the painful passages of middle age we can move into a more satisfying and graceful time in which we are finally gaining clarity about what we do and don’t want in life, and how to go about avoiding what we don’t want, and gaining more of what we do want. And by what “we do want,” I mean the deeper and more soul-satisfying side of life and relationships.

          As you lick your wounds from a difficult life, I hope you’ll find some of that wisdom and grace—as it seems that you already are—and will be able to find friends and companions who will appreciate you for who you are, and not just for how you look.

  6. therobertdan says:

    Thank you for responding and I will go read your other articles too.

    The thing is, the culture is there before the person is born and that culture is almost forced upon the individual. The material desires are taught to us, and mostly it is taught to us by advertising.

    People control the quality and design of ads. But advertisers control what we buy and think of. Advertisers are the ones who create the original wants and desires, developing them since childhood, now-a-days mostly by brainwashing children who watch a lot of TV. That’s why we don’t really have a choice when we go shopping, we are biased towards a specific thing, whatever it is.

    Good examples of this are Coca-cola and McDonalds. They don’t make the best products by far, however, because they advertise themselves everywhere, it’s already in our subconscious mind, which means we are more likely to buy their products than anyone else’s. That’s why they are one of the biggest companies, lots of brainwashing. But of course, some people are able to be stronger than that, yet most aren’t.

    But me personally, as I have always been naturally rebellious, I reject ads and advertisers and anything that masses do, always trying to stand out or do things differently and as a result I avoid buying what is popular. But I’m a minority and perhaps you are too. Most people are victims of advertising. Think of Christmas — that’s complete brainwashing and as a result people buy, buy, buy. And apparently Jesus wasn’t even really born in December.

    The main problem is that if some people happen to have the right influence in life, and also happen to have the right type of nature (they aren’t too rebellious and rejecting), it is by far easier for them to enter Heaven.

    For some people it’s easier to make the choice and for others it’s harder, simply because of their nature. And their nature in that case could end up being fatal to them, because they are too doubting, too suspicious and will end up rejecting the idea of God and Jesus. Because of their genetics, they were more likely since birth to reject God. So it comes down to luck, whether he will accidentally make the right choice under the right influence.

    My attitude isn’t positive and it indeed is slightly “whiny” and I’m sorry for that. But I know that if God does exist, I feel at a disadvantage to be able to believe in him. I mean, I could always pretend to believe in God, but there is always that doubt there, my faith could never be truly sincere.

    All the beliefs we have, choices we make and things we do are only merely the combination of our nature and outer influences from the environment. Therefore it wouldn’t make any sense for anyone to go to hell at all. Judging a human by their choices and beliefs is very similar to judging them for their race, even if it doesn’t seem so obvious. Both are there because of the genetics.

  7. therobertdan says:

    Oh, you made two new responses while I was writing. My response was only directed towards your first two responses.

  8. therobertdan says:

    Well, I really do hope that what you say is right. I do love being good and doing good. My actions definitely represent many Christian values, it’s only my beliefs that differ. However, I might be wrong, but don’t you have to accept Jesus to be able to go to Heaven? I thought the only way to Heaven is through him.

    And I agree that my struggles have made me a better person in many ways. And it is true after all that only through hardships do we develop true character.

    Thank you again for taking the time to respond and I will make sure to read your other articles.

  9. Busta Ruckus says:

    Plain and simple. There is no such thing as god. The world is unfair because it has developed randomly. Man created god in his image to feel better about the world and assure himself that he will go somewhere when he dies.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Busta Ruckus,

      Thanks for your thoughts. Of course, I see things differently. But that’s all a function of our freedom to think and believe as we wish–a freedom that I believe is granted to us by God.

      I do agree with you that if there is no God, then there is no fairness in the world–except whatever fairness we humans manage to impose upon an unfair and uncaring universe.

      As for belief or lack of belief in God and the afterlife, this article expresses some of my thoughts on the subject:
      Where is the Proof of the Afterlife?

  10. Jesse says:

    You know beautiful people can be loving, caring and genuine. So when you have physical beauty and spiritual that’s another advantage over ugly people. Ugly people can get depressed because they are not as beautiful as the next person. When you are depressed sometimes you feel suicidal. Ugly people start to get jealous and envious over beautiful people. Also you never really talked about beauty in men. You use the same argument everyone else makes with beautiful women. Stay skinny, use products and starve yourself. Why does no one ever talk about the beauty of men? We want to be beautiful too you know. The reason I bring this up is because I’m going through this now. I can’t stand the thought of someone beautiful who has a social life, has a good job, has a good family, who is very lovin, caring and genuine who gets to go to heaven happy. While people like me have to live an envious life miserable with depression and hoping our faith in God stays intact for us to go to heaven. When you are ugly girls don’t want to be with you. So you become alone. Being alone can do things to your mind. It can change the way you think just like it changed me.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Jesse,

      Thanks for your thoughts. It sounds like you are really struggling. Everything I said in the article applies to men as well. It’s true that men who are not good-looking have disadvantages compared to those who are good-looking.

      However, as I also said in the article, being average or even ugly in looks is not necessarily a death sentence. In the end, it is your inner character that will determine your life far more than your outward appearance. Many people who are physically unattractive live good, fulfilling, and even exceptional lives because they have devoted themselves to the good of others rather than focusing on their own lack of beauty.

      I would suggest that you discipline yourself more and more not to be concerned with your physical appearance, except to take care of yourself and your body so that you can be fit to do good in this world. The important thing is not what other people think of you, but what you think of other people, and what you do for them.

      And I promise you that if you get your focus off your own problems and deficiencies (as you see them), and focus instead on being a good and kind person, doing what you can for the people around you as you go about your day, you will find friends who care for you not because of what you look like, but because of who you are inside.

      Girls who would avoid you only because you are physically ugly are not the girls you want to be with anyway. The ones you want are the ones who value you for who you are as a person. And if you work on being a beautiful person inwardly, you will find the companionship you seek with someone whose mind goes beyond physical appearances to the real substance of human life–which is good character and a concern for one’s fellow human beings.

      • bldion34 says:

        Jesse    Don’t give up.  You sound really nice.  My husband is not good-looking and I did not find him attractive when I met him (despite my good looks), but he was so funny and he compared himself to Woody Allen.  Look at the women Woody Allen was/is with in his movies.  They love his attitude. It is your attitude that counts… And I so enjoyed my hubby’s sense of humor.  We have been married for 30 years and just celebrated our 30th anniversary. The right woman is out there for you!  Join E-Harmony…someone there will definitely appreciate you! Babs 

        • hollisss says:

          bldion34 haha. You sound like my sister. She and her husband both joke about that. He always tells people he is the ugly guy who got the hottie. He is a Pastor btw.

          I personally prefer plain looking men as they have wonderful personalities. I had a good looking ex husband and he was so into himself plus he cheated. And he was a Christian and still is. It was awful. Not all beautiful people are like that though.

          This time (after 10 years alone and happy) I am engaged to a guy who is special needs and (I think handsome) and my life is incredible.

      • Brad says:

        You can live a somewhat fulfilled life if you are considered unattractive, But you might not get a wife or husband you really deserve, And have to be alone. That’s no kind of life if you wanted to be married.anyone who says otherwise isn’t being honest or real with how it is for the so called unattractive people. You can be the best you are on the inside and still be alone……

        • Lee says:

          Hi Brad,

          Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.

          Being physically unattractive does make it more difficult to find a partner. But it still doesn’t make it impossible. There are plenty of unattractive people who are happily married.

          Being the best you are on the inside is good. But showing it in your actions is more important in overcoming physical unattractiveness and finding a mate. There are people out there who will overlook physical defects and handicaps when they see a good and beautiful character shining through.

          A danger in unattractiveness is allowing it to make us bitter, and to sour our character and our treatment of others. If we give in to that, then it will be less our physical unattractiveness than our emotional unattractiveness that will repel people from us. Yes, we must be realistic about the fact that being physically unattractive causes two strokes against a person. But allowing that to sour our relations with others will only make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

          As I say in the article, people who focus on building a beautiful character and showing that character in their everyday lives and in their treatment of others will, in the end, overcome much of the deficit caused by their lack of physical beauty.

  11. Confused Lexie says:

    I just want to know why God would not create my physical features up to the standards of the society that I currently live in…..then just throw me into that society, no warnings. Seems like if he actually loved me he wouldn’t have done that to me

    • Lee says:

      Hi Confused Lexie,

      Thanks for your comment. The reality is that few if any people fully meet the physical standards of the societies they live in. However, it is a reality that some fall shorter than others. That’s what this article is all about. As the article suggests, if you consider your purpose here on earth to have more to do with developing your character as a spiritual and moral being, and less to do with financial and social advancement, perhaps you will find better answers to your heartfelt question.

      • Confused Lexi says:

        Thank You, the part about all of us having the same advantage of meeting God one day is up-lifting… But I find that to be sort of false. During my short life I’ve already found that I’ve had to do some very ugly ungodly things just for “beautiful” people to accept me. It seems as though a pretty girl doesn’t have to do as many sexual things for the guy that she wants to notice her as the not so pretty girl does. The pretty girl can say “no” to doing something wrong that she doesn’t want to do and walk away, but still be chased after, but if an ugly girl did that, it wouldn’t really be a loss to anyone. It seems as though the extremely gorgeous man doesn’t have to do as much that isn’t unsightly in the eyes of our Lord to get the girl as the the man who isn’t as gorgeous. Why do you think many “ugly” girls are not seen to have as much self respect as their prettier female friends. Those girls are the ones that have to lift up their shirts or go steal beer from the adult’s coolers at the parties just so others can notice them. That isn’t fair, and doing all of those ungodly things certainly don’t get us any where closer to seeing the Kingdom. And I have a feeling that God won’t be so understanding when he has his final judgement on me and all I can say is that “I did it because otherwise I wouldn’t be accepted.” I have a feeling that the pretty girl will not have to say that.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Lexi,

          Thanks for your reply. I’m sorry to hear that your life has been difficult so far. But you still have many more years to move in a better direction if you make up your mind to do it.

          About God, keep in mind that God pays less attention to outward appearances than to what’s in a person’s heart (see 1 Samuel 16:7).

          You may have outwardly done some things that are not good. But to God, the people who influenced you to do them bear just as much guilt, if not more. God doesn’t care whether or not a person is physically beautiful. God cares about the person’s inner character. So if “beautiful people” take advantage of “ugly people” by getting them to steal for them or have sex with them, God will understand that both have acted in an immoral way. As I said in the article, beauty may give social advantages, but it gives no spiritual advantages.

          Now I’m going to challenge you:

          What is the purpose of your life here? Why did God create you? Was it to become popular and have people like you? Or was it to do something good in this world?

          Forget about trying to be popular with people who want you to steal beer or lift your skirt as a condition of “friendship.” Those people will never respect you, and they will never really be your friend. They will only use you. There are much better people in the world who will be your friend based on your character.

          Don’t worry about whether you are popular and liked, as difficult as that may be. Focus on becoming the sort of person that you yourself can be proud of, and that you think God would approve of. If you do that, along the way you will make much better friends–friends who like you for who you are as a person.

          Focus also on finding some work that you enjoy doing and that serves other people. That is what we’re here on earth to do: to learn how to love our neighbor. Once again, in the course of finding and doing that good work, you will find friends who value you for who you are.

  12. Casey says:

    Hi,

    I found your article really helpful. I’ve been called names all my life(i have a protruding upper jaw) and have trouble making friends because of my ugly looks. I hate what i see in the mirror every morning. I am currently considering jaw surgery to improve my looks. I just really want to look average, its ok if im not hot or anything. just not ugly.

    Does this make me a bad sinful person if i go for the surgery?

    • Lee says:

      Hi Casey,

      I’m glad the article is helpful to you. Thanks for telling your story! My heart goes out to you. No one should have to grow up with a disfigured face.

      About getting the surgery, I suggest that you seek the opinion of one or two experienced jaw surgeons. If in their expert opinion your jaw could be corrected through surgery without undue risk, and you are able to get the surgery done financially, then I would suggest that you go ahead and do it. Just make sure you are dealing with reputable, well-recommended surgeons. You do not want to put your face in the hands of someone unqualified to do the job.

      I don’t see anything wrong or sinful in using modern advances in surgery to correct physical disfigurements. Think of the surgeons as God’s hands in giving you the normal face that you should be able to have.

      Yes, some people go overboard in having surgery to “enhance their beauty.” And yes, that is often a matter of vanity. As I say in the article, getting too focused on physical beauty can distract us from our true spiritual work here on earth.

      However, correcting physical handicaps has nothing to do with vanity. Every day surgeons are correcting cleft palates, club feet, uneven legs, and other physical disfigurements so that children and adults can live normal and healthy lives. I believe those surgeons are doing God’s work by making the lives of many people immeasurably better than they otherwise would be.

      You may find this article helpful:
      Viktor Frankl on Meaning in the Midst of Suffering

      Frankl–who knew all about suffering from personal experience–makes the very practical point that if suffering is avoidable, by all means it’s best to avoid it! There’s no need to be a masochist for God. If there is a way for you to end that particular source of suffering in your life (and it will hurt no one to do so), then there is no good reason not to take the steps necessary to end it.

      Also, physical disfigurement usually means functional problems as well. If your jaw were corrected, you would likely be able to eat your food better and more naturally, which would be better for your body overall.

      I believe that God’s ideal is for us to be physically healthy and fully functional. The ancient ideal of “a sound mind in a sound body” is a good one. Not all of us can achieve it. But if we can, it is a good thing. Our body is a tool in the hands of our spirit. The better our body functions, the more effective our spirit can be in doing its work here on earth. If we take practical steps to improve the health and functioning of our body, we are also improving our ability to do God’s work during our lifetime on this earth.

      Annette and I wish you all the best in getting your jaw fixed so that you can live a more normal life without that particular issue dragging you down. If you are able to get the surgery, and it is successful, you will be amazed at the difference it will make in your life!

      • Casey says:

        Thank you so much for your advice. I’ve been struggling about whether I should get the surgery for the past few months as my mother is a firm believer that we should not “mess with God’s work” with surgeries and the like and she doesn’t support the idea of surgery. Moving forward I think I WILL get the surgery once I have saved up enough money. And knowing that its not sinful or anything really makes me feel better about my decision. Again I can’t thank you enough for this post and your prompt reply, i’ve been looking for answers for the longest time and couldn’t seem to find any.

        Many thanks,
        Casey.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Casey,

          You are most welcome. It is truly my pleasure. It does become more complicated when family members are opposed to it. However, if you become clear in your own mind what you want to do, over time you’ll find a way to do it. And don’t forget to thank your mother for loving you the way you are!

          Depending on where you live and what the laws are, you may also be able to get help through insurance, or from organizations and hospitals that are set up to provide these sorts of corrective surgeries for people in need. Keep searching, and in time you’ll find a way to get it done.

          Once again, Annette and I wish you all the best in getting your jaw fixed and moving forward with your life.

        • Lee says:

          Also, don’t feel like you have to go it alone. Even if you don’t have the money now, it may be worth making contact with a local hospital, and the surgeons there, to consult with them and get their opinion. They may also be able to help you find a way to do it. After all, that is their life and their mission.

        • hollisss says:

          Lexi get the surgery if you want. I had very awful teeth and my jaw was a bit stuck out at the bottom. I was teased a lot. When I got out of High School I paid for my own braces and my life turned around. I can smile now and feel “normal”. I described above how once I became “pretty” suddenly people flocked around me. I actually don’t like attention but its a lot better than being teased. Sad but true. Good Luck!

  13. Reader says:

    Thank you for the writeup. You mentioned that “In the spiritual world, where we will live forever, our face and body will be beautiful, average, or ugly depending on whether we have become a beautiful, average, or ugly person in spirit through our life and our choices here on earth.”. May I know if there is any biblical basis for that? This is a honest question.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Reader,

      Interesting question. I’ll have to give it some more thought. Certainly there is nothing in the Bible as specific as Swedenborg’s detailed descriptions of beautiful angels and ugly devils–though depicting them in this way also has a long history in Christianity and in many other religions.

      However, in general the Bible does present angelic beings as shining, resplendent, and commonly as youthful (such as the angels at Jesus’ tomb), and demonic beings as fearsome, beastly, and terrifying in appearance (such as the various dragons and beasts in the book of Revelation).

  14. Tiki says:

    Hey I am 21 and at college, For 21 years all I can remember is suffering for being”ugly”. In all this I have trusted God and thought he is good. But it seems life is getting worse.You say people who not seen as beautiful should work on their inner selves so they can serve others. people say I am lovely, nice, sweet, wise, intelligent… Others have even told me I am beautiful and now more than ever i strongly disagree.I try to reach out to others but rejected because of the way I look, so how can you say serve others? When people dont ignore me they abuse me( insult my face). People are telling me its a blessing to be alive but to me its a curse. I dont consider waking up everyday to be abused while walking down the street as a blessing. I try to work hard but there is so much for me to deal with. I get passed over for good things. I am surrounded by and friends with “beautiful people”. They are respected and have a positive outlook on life. Peope are kind to them, friendly, willing to help them and give them free stuff all in face. They know what I am going through and tell me that it doesnt matter what people say to and about you. Other beatiful friends call others ugly and that they are a mistake. I am depressed and the only blessing God can give me is death. Nothing is working out. there is nothing good in all of this. I believe God created me to suffer and I am starting to hate him for letting me be born just to go to hell because I dont believe he is good.

    • hollisss says:

      Tiki I understand how you feel. Before I corrected my teeth and face I was teased. My father left us for a younger prettier family when I was 12. My mother was so depressed it made her angry with us. I wanted to die ever since then. But I see it as a beautiful relief not a bad thing. Of course for my families sake I would never take my own life. I am willing to wait for God to take me.

      The main benefit, for me, of being pretty is not being made fun of. I hated that. I don’t know why people, instead of being happy they are blessed with beauty, choose to be mean. It’s ridiculous. Even my older sister teased me daily about how ugly I was growing up. She has since apologized but it damaged me. My self esteem has improved but I can never forget how hurtful people were for no reason. Even though I am “pretty” now I still look forward to the relief of the end.

      I took a job with special needs children thinking it would be important etc but it only makes life more depressing as they get teased day in and out. I hate witnessing the bullying all over again.

      Thank God for our short life spans I say. The older I get the happier I am because humanity is so awful. I am so excited for Heaven and I think about it every day. I can’t wait.

      It is hard for pretty people to understand what it is like. They love to say, “oh get over it”, or “it’s not that bad” or “stop looking for attention” etc. How could they know? As they age they will catch on but really it doesn’t matter what they think. It’s just so hard not to be offended and sad about it.

      I wish I could help you feel better.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Tiki,

      I’m very sorry to hear that life is such a struggle for you. Since I don’t know in what particular way you are physically “ugly,” it’s hard to say much about that. Sometimes physical ugliness can be overcome through corrective measures such as surgery or physical therapy. If that is the case for you, I would certainly encourage you to take advantage of those possibilities.

      Less radically, sometimes dress and personal care can help to overcome naturally occurring physical ugliness, so that the overall effect is more pleasing. Unfortunately, some people who do not possess natural (physical) beauty give up on themselves altogether, and let themselves go to seed. They then become much more ugly than they otherwise would be. Simply maintaining good physical habits, taking care of your body, and getting regular exercise, fresh air, and so on, can often make a big difference!

      However, as I say, I do not know what particular physical issues or features you are dealing with, so it’s hard to say anything very specific. In general, I would say that if there is anything you can do to improve your physical appearance, I would encourage you to go ahead with it.

      Yes, our inner character is what’s most important. But the reality is that as long as we are living in this physical world, our physical appearance does have a big impact on the quality of our life.

      About the deeper issues, please know that God did not create you to suffer. Yes, there is suffering here on earth. That is the common human experience. Some suffer more than others, but all do experience at least some suffering in their lives. This is not because God hates us and wants us to suffer, but because God is looking toward our eternal happiness rather than merely toward our temporary happiness here on earth. For more on this, see my article, “If God is Love, Why all the Pain and Suffering?

      Even if things seem horrible and bleak now, God does have something good in mind for you. Keep pushing forward, as difficult as it is. In time you will find your place both here on earth and in the eternal joy of heaven. As I say at the end of the article, in heaven our outer beauty or ugliness is a reflection of our inner beauty or ugliness. And though that may not be much help here on earth, it at least helps to know that your physical ugliness is a temporary situation–presuming that through it all, you develop some goodness and compassion for your fellow human beings.

      Also, please know that you will not go to hell because you have doubts about God’s goodness. You will go to hell if you yourself become a hateful person.

      There is nothing inevitable about becoming hateful. We can’t always control how people treat us. But we can control how we respond to their treatment of us. When we return love and understanding for hate and bigotry, it helps to turn the situation around, and to raise everyone’s level.

      For an inspiring example of this, see the final section, titled “Sikh student Balpreet Kaur,” in my article, “What if people actually did what Jesus says to do?

  15. Tiki says:

    And also I don’t understand why the Bible glorifies beauty when others are “ugly”. in Genesis where woman is created beautiful? Ester was beautiful, racheal vs Leah, Sarah and many others, Joseph was handsome, david. Even in church pastors will preach about how beautiful these people were and God blessed them and favoured them. To me I feel deprived, but I guess some deserve it more than others.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Tiki,

      That’s a great question! It deserves a whole article of its own. Meanwhile, here are a few thoughts that might help:

      In Old Testament times, people were very material-minded. They thought mostly about their physical pleasures and pains here on earth, and very little about higher, spiritual things. That’s why the Old Testament story focuses so much on physical beauty, material wealth, and the pleasures of this world. Since people in those days had very little concept of spiritual blessings, they thought of physical wealth, beauty, and pleasure as blessings from God.

      Even today, many people think the same way: very materialistically. Those pastors who preach that the beauty of Sarah, Rachel, Esther, Joseph, and so on were a blessing from God are probably thinking more materialistically than spiritually.

      Don’t get me wrong. Physical beauty is a blessing. But it is a low-level blessing. As I say in the article, our physical appearance has very little to do with our inner, spiritual beauty or ugliness.

      At least, not here on this earth. Many physically beautiful people are vain, egotistical, and emotionally ugly, whereas many physically average or ugly people have a very beautiful spirit. And of course, many physically beautiful people are also spiritually beautiful as well, and many physically ugly people are spiritually ugly. From someone’s outward, physical appearance alone, you really can’t tell what is the inner quality of their character.

      If we lift our minds up above the merely physical, then when we read about the beauty of Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Joseph, and so on, we can think of it as representing inner, spiritual beauty. That is the beauty that God truly values, and that God especially blesses us with if we are willing to receive that blessing. This is true no matter what our physical looks may be, beautiful or ugly.

      People whose minds are focused on material things will read the Bible materialistically, and focus on the physical beauty of the favored people in it. But those whose minds rise up to spiritual things will see in that physical beauty an image and reflection of the spiritual beauty that we can all develop, regardless of our physical beauty or lack thereof.

  16. Robert says:

    I am an avid believer in God. But– I also believe with all my heart that we are products of “procreation”– not God’s creation. God created the ideal of mankind, but the species reproduces through procreation. And there are many variables involved. The dynamic of earth is the dynamic of “survival of the fittest”– and I believe that is precisely where God steps in. In reading the Psalms one comes across the term “man of earth.” According to the Psalmist, God is not particularly fond of the man of earth because of that man’s self- sufficiency. God is said to use the weak man for His “glory–as no ” flesh will glory in His presence.” The very Son of God is described by the prophet as being physically unattractive. I believe there is a power to be sought of God by those who cannot depend on their own earthly endowments-whatever they may or may not be. Coming to the place in one’s life where one is convinced of their inability to survive without the intervention from on high is exactly what God desires of us. However, that place is not usually chosen by us, but rather thrust upon us. That void is the only thing that drives us to the place of seeking to know God’s ways thereby invoking His undeniable and obvious presence in our lives. And by God’s ways–I am not referring to “evangelical” Christianity. That’s just another fad….it’ll pass.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Robert,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughtful comment. I agree that God seeks to bring us to a place in which we recognize that without God’s power, we are lost. Only when we realize that by ourselves we are nothing, and are as good as dead, but that with God’s power and presence we can live, will we be truly willing to give our will over to God’s and live in the way that God created us to live.

      And it is often precisely when we do not have all the natural advantages, including beauty and money, that we are brought to recognize this, and accept God into our lives in a way that we probably wouldn’t if we were “blessed” with every natural advantage.

      As I said in the article, spiritually speaking, those with natural beauty have no easier time walking the path toward spiritual life than anyone else. And for many, possessing natural beauty actually makes it harder to walk the spiritual path, because for them, physical life is good.

      Having said that, many people with physical beauty do indeed walk a spiritual path. God makes spirit and salvation available to all, regardless of their physical advantages or lack thereof.

  17. mercy says:

    i think people who feel physically unattractive can carry their insecurities to God.afterall,he created us and he said in 1peter 5vs7 that we should cast our cares unto him for he cares for us.

  18. sarath_nayar says:

    thank you Lee, you gave me some confidence.

  19. Efraim K says:

    I respect others’ spiritual beliefs, but the only way to make this argument work is, of course, for one to believe in an actual spiritual realm, one that happens to be morally beneficent. None of the clichés otherwise matter when both the research literature and personal experience demonstrate that aesthetic capital substantially improves quality of life, the so-called downsides of beauty notwithstanding. Judging from many religious people’s common query about the fairness of the aesthetic distribution in the population, given the consistent value of “beauty” cross-culturally, many of these individuals who cling to transcendentalism aren’t convinced with the convenient, appeasatory answers religious leaders give, either. Of course, one can lambaste me for not being religious, but that doesn’t make a religious argument any more convincing to the general reader/listener.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Efraim,
      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I think you’ve gotten the gist of the article. For those who reject God and spirit, ultimately there is no fairness. Only if there is a beneficent God and an actual spiritual realm is there fairness in human existence.
      So I agree with your summation of the situation. What you will believe is, of course, your own choice.

  20. Carole grenier says:

    Well, I did not read all of the other’s comments but eventhough what you said makes sense, you have to admit that being beautiful helps especially when you have a nice personality, which is easier when you look good in front of a mirror… Being plain is a curse like getting an unlucky number at the loterie… Quite often you are judged by your physic attributes which is unfair but it is the reality, at school and at work when you go for a first interview…So let’s not bring the spiritual beliefs in order to accept easily the fact that being born beautiful or plain depends a lot of genetics and a few percentage of hasard..and let’s try to make the most of our look.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Carole,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughts. As I said in the article, I agree with you. It’s not fair in this world that some people are born with great beauty while others are born with rather plain looks, or worse. There’s no sense trying to deny it.

      However, that doesn’t mean your life is worthless. Even those who don’t have physical beauty can do good things, and have a solid and satisfying life. We can’t control what cards are dealt to us, but we can decide how to play those cards.

      I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking basic steps to enhance our looks. There’s nothing evil about cosmetics, and just keeping yourself healthy will do a great deal to make your physical appearance is as pleasing as it can be.

      The problem comes when we focus so much on our physical appearance—whether beautiful or not—that we forget about the greater meaning and purposes of life. Focus on how you can make life better for the people around you, and you’ll find that whatever your looks, you’ll develop deep and satisfying friendships, and a sense of self-worth and purpose in life that cannot be taken away even as you age and whatever looks you did have begin to fade.

      It’s the things of the spirit that count most. The body is simply a splendid tool to express our spirit.

  21. Reader says:

    Appreciate very much your sharing of thoughts on ugliness and fairness. I have my experience to share as an unattractive male, and at the end of my sharing I will ask about your thoughts on attractive Christian ladies who desire to “have it all”.

    I’m middle aged, alone but accepting it, though not without struggles. I don’t have a handsome face, so not attractive physically.

    Gotten older, thought I had quite gotten over the inferior feeling of being unattractive, but just recently I realized to my sadness how weak I still am about this issue.

    Years ago I met this pretty lady at a church. She was friendly and we connected quite well, always found it easy to talk about many topics, had many good chats about life experience and aspiration. She has been a dedicated Christian, strong in many ways, but perhaps her desire for beauty could be a weakness.

    Right from the beginning I knew she would only prefer very good looking men, got that idea from the men she had been interested in.
    To have a will to serve God meant she would also seriously consider spiritual qualities like maturing in Christ.
    But I’m afraid for pretty people like her, she would not give a chance to the opposite sex if there is not enough initial physical stimulation to ignite firework and sparks.

    Could not really fault her though since I was just as guilty, if not for her good look I probably would not have enjoyed her presence as much.

    Never really tried to date her since she was so above my league, but we became fairly good friends and would sometimes hang out.
    Though she had made it clear from the start that she would only be just friends, a couple times I did try to push my luck and mildly made some small suggestions, but she would stop me cold.
    I did not really feel bad back then, knowing how much I would not be able to measure up to her expectations.
    So no serious pain was felt, just mild sadness and self pity.

    Time passes, we remain friends. She has been meeting men ’cause she’s socially active.
    Recently she became more serious with a good looking man, they would go on trips together.
    When I learned about that, to my dismay the old memory of rejection came out, and I felt jealous and sad.

    I thought I would be over those feelings as they were many years back.
    But I guess I under-estimated the hold they have on me.
    So when reality stirs up the subsided memory, I’m surprised by the intensity of my negative reaction.
    For weeks I thought about the reasons she would accept some man over an ugly duck like me, and that caused great sense of painful inferiority.
    So very tough to let go.

    Please excuse my lamentation.

    Now getting back to a question I have which is to ask about your thoughts on pretty Christian people or ladies who wish to “have it all”, like to find a man who’s good Christian and good looking, not necessary in that order.
    Sad to say without good look the dating game is just so much harder to endure; an ugly person just won’t get a chance, period.
    I guess many Christian women would not hesitate to date attractive non-christian men, as long as she thinks the man has at least some openness to attend church.
    The ladies may even think it’s God’s calling to lead their good looking boyfriends to Christ; so wholesome to have it all.

    It may take just a few days to teach a man to chain together some standard phrases to say a decent prayer thus becomes a nominal Christian, but an ugly duck just remains unattractive.
    When memory of the pain of rejection hits, all those sayings of building up inner strength and beauty just seem abstract.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Reader,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for expressing your thoughts and questions. I am sorry to hear about your struggles with your lack of physical attractiveness. As I said in the article, it is best if we simply recognize that physical beauty and lack thereof is a real issue when it comes to getting along in this world socially and financially.

      But let me get right to the point, even if that may step on your toes in a way that you might find uncomfortable. I would suggest that you gave yourself your own marching orders when you said:

      Could not really fault her though since I was just as guilty, if not for her good look I probably would not have enjoyed her presence as much.

      Beautiful people are not the only ones who focus on the physical attractiveness of potential partners. Unattractive people also commonly focus on a possible partner’s physical beauty, or lack thereof. So if this “pretty lady at church” is looking for a physically attractive partner, how is she different from you, except that she has physical beauty and you do not?

      From what you have said here, I would surmise that if you had physical attractiveness, you, too, would not be willing to “settle” for an unattractive woman, but would require physical attractiveness in anyone that you would seriously consider as a partner for marriage.

      Not to put too fine a point on it, but I would suggest that rather than asking about the character of “pretty Christian people or ladies who wish to ‘have it all,'” you focus on your own desire to “have it all,” including physical attractiveness, in any woman you would seriously consider marrying.

      Yes, it is unfortunate that you are now middle-aged, still single, and clearly lonely. And though you are most likely right in thinking that your lack of physical attractiveness has something to do with it, I would suggest that your own focus on your own physical attributes and the physical attributes of women you might consider dating is probably a greater factor.

      In short, I would suggest that your own fixation on physical attractiveness or lack thereof is a greater factor in your singleness and aloneness than your physical unattractiveness itself.

      It’s not as though unattractive people never get attractive mates. Beautiful celebrities with unattractive partners is such an item that it has become an Internet meme. I suspect you yourself have come across a number of pairings of beautiful and unbeautiful people, whether among your own acquaintances or in the society news. So while it is certainly true that attractive people tend to get together with other attractive people, that is by no means a hard-and-fast rule.

      For your own peace of mind, and for your prospects of finding a partner to share your life with, I would strongly suggest that you focus on overcoming your own focus on physical attractiveness and the lack thereof, both in yourself and in potential partners. Look instead for someone who shares your values and your interests, and who is attracted to you for who you are. One advantage of unattractive people is that there is little need to worry about someone pairing up with you for superficial and physical reasons. If someone is attracted to you (assuming you are not rich), you can be fairly sure that she loves you for who you are, and not for how you look.

      However, as long as you spend your days lamenting your own fate at being born without physical attractiveness, and bemoaning your loneliness and lack of attractiveness to women, you will likely just repel any woman who might take an interest in you. Self-absorption and self-pity are not attractive to women.

      As for the pretty Christian woman whom you befriended, you had best put her out of your mind. She told you she is not attracted to you romantically. And I can tell you from my own painful earlier life experience that you absolutely do not want to try to form a relationship with a woman who is not in love with you. Your female friend has given you a valuable gift in telling you honestly that she is not attracted to you romantically. Accept that gift, and put out of your mind any thought of a romantic or marriage relationship with her. Move on, and free yourself from those wishes and regrets so that you can be open to the possibility of a relationship with a woman who will love you.

      Here is my suggestion for you:

      Do the hard work of taking you mind’s focus off of physical appearances, whether your own or the appearance of others, and focus instead on your own character as a person, and on the character of other people whom you interact with.

      Focus your life on doing good for others, and treating them with respect and kindness, regardless of their outward appearance. Engage in the recreational activities you love, do your paid work with an intent to serve others well, fairly, and honestly, and leave it to God to bring you and your potential future mate together.

      If you focus on doing your work well, for the benefit of those you are serving, and engaging in recreational or volunteer activities that you love and can put your heart into, it is likely that your own activities will lead you to a woman who shares your loves, values, and interests, and who will love you for the person you are, not for your physical appearance.

      Short version: Be your own best self, and you will attract to you someone who will fall in love with you for the good person that you are.

      Or, to put it in a more Christian form, focus your life on loving God and loving your neighbor as Jesus taught, and in time God will give you the companionship and happiness you long for. In Christ’s own words:

      But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33)

    • Lee says:

      Hi Reader,

      One more thing, which my wife has often pointed out to me:

      Single women, as they age, are less and less likely to find a (male) partner, because women generally live longer than men, and the higher the age bracket, the fewer men there are compared to the number of women.

      The flip side of this is that for aging men, the prospects of finding a (female) partner become greater, not less, as the years go by.

      This is an unfortunate reality for middle-aged and older women longing for male companionship. But it is a fortunate reality for middle-aged and older men longing for female companionship.

      Your own situation, then, may not be as bleak as you think. Yes, it is certainly possible that you will live out your lifetime here on earth all alone. But it is also eminently possible that in the coming decades you will find a woman who is looking for male companionship and love, and who finds herself attracted to you.

      As I mentioned in my previous reply to you, whether you do find such a woman will depend heavily on your own attitudes and actions.

      So don’t give up hope. Do the work of becoming a man of good and lovable character, who treats others with thoughtfulness and kindness regardless of their outward appearance and circumstances, and as the years go by you will have a very good chance of finding a woman who will love you and will want to spend her life with you.

      • Reader says:

        Thanks for your thoughtful response.
        There has to be a biological urge for us to pursue beauty while we’re living in or trapped in the material realm.
        Conflicts then may arise when some of us from the lower league attempt to “skip grades”.

        Men do have more advantages, in the secular world a man may compensate any lack of good look with status (wealth, social standing), anything contribute to being more of an alpha male.
        Your suggestion to develop greater inner beauty and spiritual wholesomeness are the ideals any Christian has to strive toward.
        But for younger people (upto maybe mid thirties?) the hormones (and pride of life) are just so dominant in affecting the choice process, and very yielding to good look + secular alpha qualities.

        Ageing is a great equalizer, hey I have to keep healthy, so one day I may be the only available choice for men in my age bracket lol

        • Lee says:

          Hi Reader,

          Haha!

          Since you say you’re middle-aged, I’ll wish you good luck and godspeed as you get beyond the superficial foolishness of youth, and start looking deeper for the woman who will, I hope, one day become your spiritual partner.

  22. Naz says:

    Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. You can look better with makeup. Really if one has a nice personality, they look good. I find it very disturbing when someone calls another woman ugly. That is very superficial, and hypocritical.

  23. Bunny says:

    I completely agree with the first guy who commented at the top of this page Doug. I too have suffered so severely because of my looks and genuine kindness that I was very very suicidal. My own mother a narcissist and a Christian is severely jealous of me and abused us. My twin sister also a Christian completely cut me out of her life for 15 years and admitted it was because I was the prettier twin because I was scouted on the street three times to model which I eventually became and hid from people because of their extreme jealousy towards me. I worshipped and adored my twin and would do anything for her but the nicer I was the more she hated me for having the looks and massive heart. She admitted this. She stole my boyfriend in the end and blanked me for 15 years all because of my beauty and modelling(I resemble Angelina Jolie) Funny how Angelina Jolie has no friends either. I have tried tirelessly to befriend dozens of women in my life only to be cast off ignored or just not invited out and actually told to my face I make ppl feel inadequate because of my hair, face and long legs and fast metabolism. Ppl have jokingly told me I’m too perfect both inside and out and it makes them feel sick as they can’t compare. Am I stuck up? No. Am I conceited? No. Am I smug? Absolutely not. I do everything the bible tells us to be to be kind, HUMBLe, altruistic, unselfish, caring, loving, focus on others continuously, giving, encouraging and genuine and I’m very smiley and friendly , positive, optimistic and bubbly. Apart from now where I’m explaining about myself in detail,I NEVER talk about myself hardly at all perpetually focusing on them only for myself to be self deprecating to make women feel “safe”. It’s a full time job. I shouldn’t need to do this. The nicer I am the more I am overlooked. A lot of women hate inner and outer beauty and that is so true as it shows them up or intimidates them or they are terrified hubby will see me so keep well away and won’t befriend me, someone once said they couldn’t find a fault in me and it wasn’t fair? What the heck? I work hard to work on Introspection and godly qualities. Don’t get me wrong the ppl in my place of worship are lovely BUT they just don’t want to get close. I get digs each month and rolling of eyes about my skinny figure or whatever and I try to keep smiling but I just want to cry. It’s lonely. I was born this way it’s not my fault yet find myself outcasted continuously. So to anyone who thinks a beautiful woman has it all. Think again. Men are terrified to approach, women even tho they may like you and value your kindness just can’t be around you and family can shun you all because you are a threat and the full package. You’re not allowed to be smart, confident genuine and attractive. Most can’t handle the competition. It is lonely and very very very painful. Thank Goodness for God and my beautiful child or I would be six feet under. I will continue to work hard on working for the good of others and fulfilling my ministry for our beautiful Heavenly Father. I will continue to pray for more friends who will love me for me and who I can build loving happy supportive happy friendships with. I luckily have one who is an angel and I love her dearly. She is more of a mother figure but at least she loves me to the core without all this pathetic competitive envy which the bible calls destructive. She is a true Christian. I’m sorry if this article sounds like I’m boasting about me me me…not at all I just thought ppl can see it from a sufferers point of view. But You know what? I woke up today and a thought came into my head…maybe God did bless me with beauty because he knew my heart..maybe he knew I would be suffering but still wouldn’t Change as a person or let it go to my head and that I would still serve him humbly and appreciatively. Perhaps this was my gift admits all my horrendous pain. Yes I have suffered but I suffer because ppl WANT what I have. They see me shine and can’t handle what’s inside. I’m innocent and hold no guilt. So Why Be sad? I must be doing something right for ppl to admit they can’t be around me or that my big heart shows them up and makes them feel bad. (Their words). These ppl ain’t worth it. A true Christian would not judge merely on the physical but be striving to find precious and true spiritual qualities in their friends. So I’m gonna hold me head high, keep on being me and working for my fantastic creator and see what blessings he brings including friends. Thanks for reading and apologies for coming over as me me me I just needed to rant and voice things out. I feel better now. 🙂 Love and hugs to all. Xxx

    • Naz says:

      Hi Bunny. Take it easy, God is with you. I am happy you have a great sense of humor and be happy.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Bunny,

      No problem. Thanks for stopping by and pouring out your heart. I’m glad this article and the comments here gave you the opportunity to express your inner thoughts and feel some cleansing and catharsis of the soul.

      In the end, what matters most is our relationship with God. Still, we’re social creatures, and it’s painful to be rejected and reviled by our fellow human beings—especially when we’ve done nothing to deserve it. I do hope that you can continue on with your big heart and your sense of innocence about life, regardless of how others treat you. And your little girl or boy gives you an extra incentive to “model” what it means to be a true Christian in an often dark and difficult world.

      So hang in there! And while you’re here, you might enjoy our article, “Heaven, Regeneration, and the Meaning of Life on Earth.”

      I say “our” in this case especially because my beautiful wife was the one who suggested, and almost insisted, that I write that article. When I resisted, she got busy and wrote the first part of it herself. She even dug up the Doctor Who reference, which was a complete end run around my reluctance. She herself has no interest in science fiction, but she knows that I love it. How could I resist any longer? I was beaten and I knew it. So I got busy and finished the article. 😀

    • Lee says:

      P.S. About that fast metabolism . . . I was skinny as a rail until well into my 40s, no matter how much I ate. But now that I’m solidly on the upper side of fifty, the ol’ metabolism has slowed down a bit, and I have to pay attention to how much I eat just like ordinary mortals. So as you age you may get your opportunity to not be quite so “perfect in every way!” (queue up the song from “Bye Bye Birdie”). 😛

    • momofalexis says:

      Thank you for this, Bunny. I’ve always felt so alone in this world because so many people (especially women) act as though they hate me because theyou think I’m beautiful and kind. I’ve had people tell me I’m intimidating and unapproachable because of my looks and my kind personality. They tell me people don’t know what to do with that. This post has helped me, because I know I’m not alone. I had a lovely lady tell me that I would see just how much of a curse beauty could be when I got older… She was so right. Thank you and God bless you!

  24. Bunny says:

    Naz and Lee….Thanks for the lovely comments and encouragement! Lots of love to you both . X

    • Doug Webber says:

      Hello Bunny, I know someone who is similar to you – attractive, intelligent, and also highly spiritual and a bit on the hyperactive side. Most other women are highly intimidated or threatened, and perhaps its related to the area where she lives. Her fault, and this may sound unusual, is that she was nice to everybody. I told her you can’t just be nice to everyone, you have to be selective and discriminate as to who your friends are. In this case it tends to be people who are professional with a high level of confidence. The other fault is she will often lower herself to make others feel comfortable, but this again is wrong – one will not be comfortable unless one is their normal self.

      “Discriminate charity” is one of the major doctrines of the church, where love must be guided by the truth. Most people are taught to love everyone without question, or regard to their character:

      “It is a common opinion at this day that every one is a neighbor in the same degree, and that good must be done to every one in need. But it is the part of Christian prudence to explore well the quality of a man’s life, and to exercise charity accordingly. The man of the internal church does this with discrimination, thus with intelligence; but the man of the external church, since he cannot exercise such discernment, does it without discrimination.” (Heavenly Arcana, n. 6704)

      Swedenborg then goes on to discuss who is one’s neighbour, according to the good and truth in them, or lack thereof. If someone is an enemy one must reprove them, and if they dont accept reproof avoid them. Being “nice” is not actually loving that person, its encouraging them in their behaviour. They see being nice as a sign of weakness, for it is the character of jealousy to attack who can’t defend themself. Choose one’s friends wisely, for beauty is highly discriminated against in the U.S.

  25. Bunny says:

    Hi Doug thanks for the message. I definitely agree with you on being overly nice within reason for even the bible says we should be cautious as serpents innocent as doves when dealing with people but unfortunately jealous ones will be looking for me to fall or be mean or be cold to justify to themselves I’m not that nice etc and have a reason and I’m not gonna change my personality for no one. BUT I do have strength of character when wronged too. My mother a narcissist who set out to damage us when we outshone her in every way when becoming teens by slandering us so severely and trying to sabotage everyone who befriended or dated my twin and I where she tried to infiltrate three congregations with her Horrid jealousy and with her sickening pathological lies which is still going on to this day. ( look up narcissistic personality disorder) Sent my twin to a nervous breakdown and I too was on the verge until I went no contact 6 years ago. It was the best thing I ever done. Scripturally narcissists are evil and there are many scriptures in the bible on malicious ones/slanderers etc and Gods says to stay away from evil and bad association and narcissists are predators who manipulate people to cause harm. They are dangerous.I will never go back or speak with her again. Ever. She can slander me till the cows come home. No one should put up with 20 odd years of abuse. God doesn’t want me around abusers and false Christians even if they are family. I will protect my child In anyway I can. I also walk firmly
    away from anyone who ill treats me or is out to hurt me through jealousy. I’m gone mate, up the hill and over the mountain and don’t look back haha. I’ve been a Christian for 9 years and in my place of worship people have to be respectful and courteous and loving as it is Christian so people are not horrible as other Christians will pull them to one side if they were to be and correct them and they will look the idiot so luckily the women are not horrible (there’s tons of single sisters in my congregation )they just don’t necessarily want to form close relationships with me. The brothers are really nice but they just gawp and stare and are too nervous to talk to me. so my friends or people that want to be around me are older mummy ones who arent threatened and see me as a daughter figure. Which is nice until there is a party or gathering on and I have no one to go with so I end up going on my own. Grrrr. Sorry for waffling again. I digress….So yes I am polite And Christian but not a fool either. Im in my thirties so am not naive like I was when younger. Nice to chat Doug. Thanks 🙂

    • Lee says:

      Hi Bunny,

      Just a quick note to say good for you for going no-contact! Unfortunately, it’s the only really effective way to deal with an NPD person. Also, I fixed that little typo you wanted corrected.

    • Doug Webber says:

      Hello Bunny, thanks for sharing, I actually was in a similar situation many years ago. It is easy to excuse a family member’s evil behaviour, harder to cut them off when they persist. And sometimes you do need to cut off before they cause more harm, and yet it is a hard thing to do – but when you do it it is the best thing that could happen. This verse comes to mind, “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” (Matt. 10:37) And “And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.” (Matt. 19:29). In the literal sense this can apply to family members, but in a spiritual sense it refers to the things we properly we call our own, things that belong to our selfish ego, that we need to shed and let go.

  26. RW says:

    Then again God punished the innocent people like us. Go figure.

  27. Stephen says:

    I have known many really good looking people who are really nice. I am above average, and keep in good shape and know that a lot of good looking woman and men take good care of themselves. Also all this tripe about ugly and also fat people have better personalities is just tripe. I am 58 and have come to the conclusion that the only thing on this planet you can trust is tangible. A dollar will buy you x amount! A nice antique is what it is? Unless you can wire yourself into another living thing you are kidding yourself? Jack Hawkins quoted in the cruel sea movie, the only definite thing about a woman is her looks? Same as for a guy. The rest is made up in your mind.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Stephen,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for expressing your thoughts.

      Please don’t misunderstand the article. There is nothing wrong with being beautiful. Being beautiful is a good thing. It’s just that it doesn’t give us any spiritual advantages, even though it certainly does give us advantages in this world.

      As for the only things you can trust being tangible, that will only take you so far. Relationships are not tangible. But without relationships, our lives would be empty of love or meaning. And then our dollars and our looks would mean nothing at all, no matter how tangible they are.

  28. Shabet says:

    Then why it is mentioned in bible that people who are chosen by God are extremly beautiful like Esther,David,samuel Zipporah and many more? I am asking this because someone ditched me for someone who is more handsome then me.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Shabet,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.

      Sorry about the ol’ ditching experience. Unfortunately it’s one that most of us have had more than once. And it happens for all different reasons. My general attitude is that if someone ditches you, you probably don’t want to be with that person anyway, because they’re not going to stick with you. So as painful as it is when it happens, it’s good to get to the point where you can say, “Good riddance!” and then move on.

      About your question, there are two basic reasons why so many of the Bible’s important characters are presented as beautiful, one earthly and one spiritual.

      The earthly reason is that like many cultures on earth, the ancient Israelites were very materialistic. As a result, the only good things they could see and appreciate were material ones.

      Read the Old Testament, especially the historical parts, and you will see that the blessings God promised to the Israelites were almost always material in nature: wealth, long life, good crops, fertile herds, beautiful wives, and many children to carry on their name. There is nothing spiritual about it. The culture in which the Old Testament was written was very close to the earth. So physical beauty, to them, was seen as a special blessing from God. That is reflected in the scriptures that were written through that culture.

      It’s not that physical beauty isn’t a blessing from God. It’s just that it’s a very low-level, earthly blessing. From a spiritual perspective, physical beauty is nowhere near as great a blessing as beauty of spirit, which is having a good heart, a wise mind, and kind hands.

      That brings us to the second reason many of the greatest characters in the Bible—not to mention in so much human literature, so many movies, and so on—are presented as very beautiful: because in the Bible, physical beauty is meant to represent and symbolize spiritual beauty.

      Physical beauty fades with time. Eventually old lies in the grave, old, wrinkled, and bony, and returns to the dust.

      Spiritual beauty, on the other hand, we take with us into the other life. And spiritual beauty, as I said, is beauty of character.

      Beauty of character is the beauty of loving our fellow human beings, of living according to the wisdom God has given us, and of spending our days doing things to benefit others. We commonly recognize people who live this way as people with great beauty of spirit, regardless of their physical appearance. And such people are usually well-loved even if they are physically very plain.

      So as discouraging and painful as it can be not to measure up to our particular society’s ideals of beauty, that’s really not the worst thing that could happen to us. Any potential partner who would reject us purely or primarily because of we’re not as beautiful or handsome as the next guy or gal is a superficial person, and not one we’d want to be tied to for the rest of our lives anyway.

      Yes, it’s good to maintain a healthy body and our best physical appearance. But far greater is building beauty of character. And doing so will help us to attract a mate who will love us for our character, which lasts, and not for our physical beauty, which will fade as one decade gives way to the next.

  29. Collector of useless knowledge says:

    I’m an expert on this who’s researched aesthetic beauty and read studies on it, trust me I’ve examined many faces. I can say that for someone who’s mixing general knowledge of aesthetic beauty to explain that spiritually it doesn’t matter, you have made a very accurate post. You’re only wrong factually about some minor stuff. For example, beauty ins’t made from genetics, the parents of supermodels or gorgeous actresses are often average, ugly or even beautiful but this doesn’t effect the child. Children become beautiful, average or ugly (Facially / aesthetically) from a young age depending on the position of their tongue in their mouth – the face is shaped by the tongue, believe it or not, and any “ugliness” is due to vertical growth from improper tongue position during developmental years (childhood) – 99% of us have some vertical growth / ugliness that makes us imperfect.

    Btw, This is not to say children are sexually appealing, they are aesthetically pleasing to look at and studies / my experience show me that parents FAVOR the more aestheticaly beautiful child over the less attractive one… They treat her/him better… Indeed, beautiful people have many, many advantages in this world. That’s why I don’t think It was vain of me to study beauty so deeply, I felt it necessary to know so I wouldn’t suffer not knowing. I am a teen, my whole life revolves around being accepted or rejected by people my age based on my level of beauty. This doesn’t change as you age, even grandmothers are biased against ugly / towards beautiful people – FACT. The cruelty of this design supports the idea that we are meant to suffer in this life, which will go away in the next life.

    I hate talking about this, it is the one thing that I don’t understand why and is unfair. Sometimes I think, what if there IS no afterlife, it is just our way of coping with our emotions and all we have is this natural world!? Then the reality becomes that beauty is the most important thing in the world, and that is just cruel for the those who have no outer beautiful. Especially in todays superficial / SELF ABSORBED society.

    The bible said somewhere, something like “Human see physical appearance, but the Lord only sees the soul”. Somewhere in the bible, it mentions Jesus was an ugly man “he had no comeliness or form, nothing that would attract us to Him”. This is my personal answer to the problem of unfairness… I was very happy to find these verses in the bible, because I didn’t expect there to be anything on this specific problem, yet there is.

    But the fact is, beauty even DOES EFFECTS your personality. I don’t know if humans have a deeper spiritual personality, but on the exterior, if you are beautiful people will react far more pleasantly thus encouraging you to be a likeable and outgoing person. If you’re ugly, people will react negatively to you and encourage you to shut up, and not express yourself. It’s not just through bullying / disrespect, but by ignoring ugly people for being inferior, it is primitive & natural behavior seen in all animals.

    Often our friends, gf’s or bf’s are chosen by how beautiful they are and their personalities are secondary. This is true for me, at least. I think we are all sexually driven, it is the highest natural desire. This is the lowest level of human personality, the non-spiritual / superficial mindset.

    Sadly, I don’t agree that beautiful people have uglier personalities (vanity, egotistical…) it’s more common if you’re beautiful and self centered and surrounded by less attractive people to develop vanity… The opposite is often true. Even beautiful women who are jealously hated by their competitive ‘friends’ are more social / friendly than women who are bullied for other reasons (they tend to become shy / quiet)

    The idea that “if everyone were beautiful, nobody would be” is false as far as I know. Since I already said facial beauty is very standard measurement of health, there are communities where people are more healthy / beautiful aesthetically and they are seen as collectively more beautiful. Often the wealthier people today are more beautiful than poor people because they have better food and their parents care more in general. Having more beautiful women or men around only makes this place paradise for the opposite sex, and a very painful experience for the ugly / undesired people.

    Beauty is also not in the eye of the beholder… It is very easily measured: Non-facial beauty is in the eye of the beholder, especially in women who’s different body types are fetishized, but in general a thin body with layers of estrogenic fat deposits (18-20% body fat), narrow waist and firm body parts is what men like. Culture doesn’t influence facial beauty, which is just good cheekbones from the tongue positioned high in the mouth. When the tongue is low, gravity causes the face to grow vertically (lower cheekbones that 99% of people have). On women, a shorter face, feminine / soft features and clear /youthful complexion is attractive. On men, facial length and complexion matters less, but it is more required to have good bone structure. This is why MEN are actually the ones who are seen as less attractive to most women; while men will go for any young plain woman they can find, women prefer men with strong facial bone structure which are rarer.

    Overall, I think beautiful people are at a far, far greater advantage… It’s like entering a contest where 60% of the score depends on what you look like.

    Yes it is unfair. If you forget that it is human and perfectly natural behavior, it can be very disgusting. It matters a lot on LOWER / primitive mindsets (which most of us have MOST of the time) but there are rare times where it hasn’t mattered at all in my life. Like with parents or very NICE people who unconditionally warm to others regardless of personal gain.

    The problem though, with my comment, is it enforces the anxiety people have over beauty. I have spent the entire comment discussing factual things, where your post deals with fact, but focuses more on spirituality. And the spiritual facts I don’t know much about, I just know that there are some people I’ve met who are physically ugly and have radiant & warm personalities towards everyone, one can’t help but adore them because they are similar to angels but they’re not faking it to be sexually appealing, it’s how they are with everyone. Unfortunately, this isn’t enough to settle most peoples anxiety /frustration over the unfairness of life, it’s not enough for ME and I wasn’t surprised to see this question asked on your website – it’s an honest and fair evaluation of our natural law: beauty is usually all that humans see, it overpowers all else.

    I have no complaints if you DELETE THIS if you think it will increase people’s frustration. I had no intention to undermine your post, I am hesitant to even talk about this because it won’t help people, just make them feel worse about themselves. I impulsively felt I needed to write this comment to address the informational flaws in your article, even though you did well discussing the more spiritual / comforting part… I feel I’ve gone too off topic for this website, now that I’ve written this and gotten it off my chest, I don’t care if it’s deleted.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Collector of useless knowledge,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your loooong comment.

      The physical facts about beauty are all over the Internet. I doubt that tongue placement is really the overall determinant of beauty, but the general idea is that physical beauty depends mostly on physical factors. And as you say, that’s not really the focus of this article, even if it is the focus of far too many people.

      As for people choosing physical beauty over intelligence, personality, and so on in their potential partners, it helps to understand that we humans start out as basically very intelligent animals. If we develop farther than that, it’s through life experience and the choices we make. Lower animals choose mates for similar reasons to those that superficial, animal-like humans choose their mates, which generally boils down to reproductive fitness as shown in a healthy and beautiful body. And as far as it goes, there’s not really anything wrong with that. It just doesn’t distinguish us from the lower animals in any way.

      For those who wish to develop their spiritual selves, there is more to life than physical health and beauty. Physical health can still provide a good foundation for spiritual development, but as the article points out, it’s not essential to spiritual development. Just something that’s nice to have.

      About your questioning of whether there even is a spiritual world and an afterlife, I invite you to read some of the other articles on this site. On that subject, a good place to start would be: Where is the Proof of the Afterlife? If you’re a teenager, then you have plenty of time to develop your own thinking and your own character in a direction that will bring you beyond mere physical attractiveness or lack thereof.

      • Gods child says:

        I think procreation has some to do with looks but not all. I believe that God can design you to look however he chooses to. In fact, I have seen families with unattractive family members and then there was one member that was attractive and they were from the same parents so, I can’t believe it is just a part of procreation.

        I don’t believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When the Bible talks about beautiful people, everyone who saw these people thought they were beautiful. NO matter what new land or people they traveled into. I mean Everyone and they were awed by the beauty so much they commented on it they desired these people, etc.

        I believe there are people who are pretty or average where they are not not beautiful and not ugly. They are sort of in the middle.

        I also have to agree with though about abuse and the toll it takes on a person’s development. I have seen a woman and she is not beautiful. She does a little modeling and acting. None of the stuff she has done is high ranking more like bit parts and far away clothing shoots in a sort of artistic magazine shot. But the point is she isn’t beautiful and she has manage to snag a handsome man and she is in bit acting parts and modeling in a mag shots.

        This woman is doing this because she has great self esteem. Someone when she was young pumped her up that she was good looking and that sort of positive thinking followed her. I have had other people look at this woman and say she is not attractive she is just average and in no way beautiful and she is barely what one would refer to as pretty so, I also think sometimes the way we carry ourselves does reflect on emotional damage done to us when we are young children and teens.

        I think whatever recording we have heard sits with us from then on and it increase the either good or negative mentality we have developed.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Gods child,

          Thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughtful comment. You make some very good points!

          I do agree that people commonly recognize beauty even in people of other races and cultures, as reflected in the Bible story. But even more, I agree with you that our own sense of ourselves as beautiful (or not) can carry almost as much weight as whether we are (or not) physically beautiful by society’s standards. And psychologically speaking, it carries more weight.

      • Collector of useless knowledge says:

        I was thinking about this, and I think that people who are materialistic are definitely demons who are going to be in hell when they die. I don’t care if it sounds arrogant, I am almost positive I am in a heaven community because angels are repulsed by demons – in the comment I said how I am disgusted by how common this behavior is, no matter how much I seem materliastic for studying this I am repulsed by girls who talk to me just because they think I’m good looking, how are they not like demons? so my guess is that the majority of people are at least in the lightest level of hell for materialism and other petty sins. It must’ve been worse before Jesus time.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Collector of useless knowledge,

          Perhaps. But I would suggest that it’s best not to be too harsh and judgmental about our fellow human beings. Looking at others with a jaundiced eye does nothing but drag us downward in our own spiritual life and outlook. It’s better to look for the good in other people, and do our best to relate to that in them rather than focusing on the evil in them, which only emphasizes and strengthens it.

  30. AGoodManWithVeryBadLuck says:

    Well i would’ve been a much happier person if God gave me a wife and family that i Never had, especially when i see so many Millions of other men and women that were very Extremely Blessed to have that Gift of life. Go figure. Then again i always seem to meet the real Low Life Loser women anyway.

    • Lee says:

      Hi AGoodManWithVeryBadLuck,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.

      I’m sorry to hear that your life has been difficult. However, though you can blame it on bad luck and on God, that won’t get you anywhere. Your life is in your own hands. And you have a decision to make. If you keep blaming it on bad luck and on God, and doing nothing about it yourself, you’ll stay right where you are. But if you decide to take responsibility for your own life, and do the spiritual work of self-improvement in your outlook on life and in your actions, you can start to move forward.

      It won’t be easy.

      And the choice is yours.

      Annette and I wish you strength in re-examining your perspective and making those tough first steps toward a better life. Here are two articles that might help:

  31. Martina says:

    This website was… how do you say it? Relevant!!
    Finally I’ve found something that helped me.
    Thanks a lot!

  32. Lee says:

    To a reader named Claudia,

    Thanks for stopping by, and also for your comments. However, I am not approving them, for reasons explained in our comments policy.

    I am sorry to hear that your life has been, and continues to be, difficult and painful, and that your physical beauty has not given you the advantages that it has given to many others. I do hope that you find some peace and comfort in your life.

    However, the hard truth is that lashing out at others and blaming the evil world for all your troubles will not bring you any peace. It will only lead to further heartbreak and despair.

    I understand that you have had a hard life filled with many pains, heartbreaks, struggles, and disappointments. But you are not the only one. Millions, even billions of other people have had to struggle against terrible, crushing circumstances involving much loss and pain.

    The question you must face is how you are going to respond to the pain and trauma of your life.

    If you give up in despair, curse the world, and lash out at those whom you perceive to have unfairly put you in the position you are in, you will continue to feel nothing but pain and despair. The world is a stubborn place. It is not going to change so that your life can get better. As long as you believe that outside forces control your life, you will never be able to climb out of the pit that you are in.

    The only way out is for you to search your own soul, and begin to take control of your own life and take responsibility for your own situation. Blaming other people and outside circumstances will do you no good. Taking the power into your own hands by taking responsibility for your own life will make it possible for you to slowly and painfully begin to climb out of the deep pit of pain and despair that you have fallen into.

    And please don’t tell me I don’t understand. I have been in that pit, and I know exactly what it is like.

    Whatever may have happened to you in the past, you are an adult now, and your life is in your own hands. Your options may be limited, but you do have options. You can make a decision to take control of your own life, and begin taking steps to make your life better. They may be only baby steps at first. But you have to start somewhere.

    Meanwhile, here are two articles that might be helpful:

    1. If God is Love, Why all the Pain and Suffering?
    2. Why Is Life So Hard? Why are there So Many Struggles?

    And please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.

  33. Taylor says:

    If you take a Swedenborg spin on 1 Samuel 16:7 you might think how we’re so attracted to beauty in this life, in the next life we’re attracted to what God sees (God doesn’t care if you’re sexually appealing to the opposite sex). Vanity specifically distances you from God, I know, every moment you’re vain is a waste of time and energy. It’s hard but remember, this life is short and you’ll stop being beautiful way before your life ends. It’s like wishing you were beautiful/rich/famous, all similar things that belong to this world.

  34. Buckstabue says:

    Maybe my opinion is too trivial, but I think it’s easier to be beautiful in a spritual way when you are beatiful physically, that’s because if you are beatiful, then most likely you are loved and the love helps you think more positively and be more friendly since you’ve got a source of the great love energy. On the other hand, if you are not too beatiful, there is a possibility that you don’t have a lover and sometimes it’s difficult to treat things good if you feel lonelyness and you are lacking the love energy

    • Lee says:

      Hi Buckstabue,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.

      In response, I would say that we all have our pluses and minuses when it comes to our spiritual state. Some people have more resistance to growing spiritually than others. The question is what we do within our particular set of pluses and minuses. I don’t think God judges us by an absolute standard, but rather by what we did with what we had.

      • Buckstabue says:

        Hi Lee, I partly agree with you. Because a great power very often gives you a greater responsibility as well. A president being mistaken can make many people suffer

        • Lee says:

          Hi Buckstabue,

          Yes:

          From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded. (Luke 12:48)

  35. Brad says:

    I agree with much of what you say here, But we still have to live in this life as long as we are alive. And we all want to have as good a life as we can with what we call life. It is just so much harder for outward looking challenged people, that others, You can be all you can be I this life ,looking forward to later, but still have a lonely or bad life in this one. Why can’t you seem to say that somewhat unattractive people have a much tougher life than others, if all deserve nothing , none deserve anything…….

    • Lee says:

      Hi Brad,

      I did say that unattractive people have more difficulty in this world. That’s just a reality.

      The question is, what to do about it. If physically unattractive people throw up their hands and allow their lack of physical beauty to sour them and destroy their lives, they’ve just added insult to injury.

      We all have our struggles. Some have one kind of struggle, others have another kind. It’s what we do in the face of those struggles that tests and molds the quality of our character.

  36. Brad says:

    Hi, thank you , But having a good even great character doesn’t get you the love you deserve…. What can a person like this realistically do, if most of their life shunned or insulted by the other side in getting this love they need and deserve for having this type of character? Just wanting real answers to real questions…..

    • Lee says:

      Hi Brad,

      You might not like real answers to real questions, but here goes:

      If you think you deserve love because you have a good character, then you’re going about it all wrong. Love is not deserved. It is freely given.

      Hard truth: Nobody deserves love. But everyone can give love. And those who do will be much more likely to have love come back their way.

      Forget about whether you deserve love. Instead, focus on loving the people around you. Don’t think about what you’re going to get in return. Love is not a transaction. Think about what you can do for people. And then do it, regardless of whether you’ll ever get anything in return for doing it.

      And if at any time you do find love coming your direction in a romantic way, for heaven’s sake don’t think of it as something you have earned or that is owed to you. There is no better way to make sure that you will not be able to receive or experience real love. Instead, accept love as a gift, with appreciation and gratefulness, and give love freely yourself. Love, relationships, and marriage are not about what you get, but about what you give.

      If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. (Luke 6:32-36)

  37. Brad says:

    Hi, thanks, I want to give love to someone, it’s just there are none that are compatible and attracted to me . And I am much older than most people…. I can’t help but notice most have this someone in their life, and I know you might say don’t compare, but as I am older , I can’t imagine all these other people are as you suggest , wanting to to give or even ready , they just were attractive enough in enough ways that there flaws were accepted.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Brad,

      It’s very true that many people who are paired up are thinking about getting rather than about giving. Then again, that’s why so many relationships become unstable, die, and break up. Just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re in a good relationship. And a bad relationship can easily be worse than no relationship at all.

      I understand that you feel a certain urgency due to your age. Women in their late 30s often begin to feel that urgency as well, as their biological clock ticks away and they see their window of opportunity for becoming mothers closing year by year.

      And yet, the principles are the same regardless of one’s age. And though you have two strokes against you due to a lack of physical attractiveness, that simply doesn’t mean you are doomed to be forever lonely. Of course, there are no guarantees in this life. As I said in the article, life in this world is not fair. Fairness comes only when we humans impose it on the world.

      Even in your situation, I would still suggest that rather than focusing on your lack of companionship, you focus on love, kindness, and thoughtfulness to the people around you. Even if you are not specifically looking for love, if you are showing love to others, then you are more likely to attract someone who is compatible and can love you.

      I would also suggest getting out and following your own loves and interests. I don’t know what sorts of things you like to do, but if any of them can be done in company with other people, then find people who share your interests, and get together with them to pursue and enjoy those common interests. And if there are no such people in your physical community, then find virtual, online communities that share your interests. People commonly meet one another when they are not at all trying to find a mate, but rather are simply doing the things they love together with others who share that love and interest.

  38. Frankly Frank says:

    Some of Frankly Frank’s life dictums….FWIW

    1. A GOOD relationship is a MIRACLE. So if you don’t have one or never had one, it’s because a miracle didn’t happen in that part of your life. Waaah. Well, call a waahambulace already. Pick a number, and stand in line like many, many, of us waiting for it to happen. Just remember, it’s a miracle to begin with. Everything else is icing on the cake.

    2. Expectation is the mother of all disappointment.

    3. Since God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts as the stars are as high above us it’s one heck of a tough stretch to truly KNOW what God wants you to do every waking moment in life. And btw I don’t care what anybody says, truly KNOWING what God wants means
    I’m tapped into his mind like Spock in a mind meld. Well guess what, I’m not.

    Therefore, just do your thing as best you can and let the chips fall where they may. If after you die you’re told that you didn’t do what you were supposed to do according to what God wanted you to do then just tell whomever it is giving you the bad news that you really messed up on earth, “Hey I’m not gonna apologize for not knowing exactly what God was thinking, ok? I mean who do you think I am, Emanuel Swedenborg?”.

    If I can I’ll try to relay from the afterlife to you guys what they said after that. (lol?)

  39. jajawriting says:

    Hi I think you forgot to mention that .. beauty doesn’t matter in the physical world , because there are many different beauties in everyone . that they do not see . that those who are physically beautiful do not have .. everyone has a different kind of beauty – close to gift/skill and are built for different things in life . there are different awareness and functionalities that make us unique – a certain kind of quality that makes you different and beautiful in your own way.World is full of creativity, ingenuity , beauty , fullness.It goes beyond human ability and is subtle in it’s own way.

    • Lee says:

      Hi jajawriting,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughtful comment.

      I agree with you 100% that everyone has a unique beauty, and that’s what really matters.

      However, it’s hard to ignore the fact that in this physical world and its rather materialistic dominant societies, physical beauty does matter, and people are commonly treated better or worse depending on whether or not their physical appearance matches their society’s ideals of beauty.

      So no, ultimately our physical beauty or lack thereof doesn’t matter. But in the actual human societies in which we live, it does matter, and many people struggle with this reality. That’s what this article is all about. My hope is that in reading it, people who do struggle with this unfortunate reality will begin to gain some of the deeper perspective needed to see that it’s not all about physical beauty, but rather about the unique quality of our particular character, and how we develop that during our lifetime here on earth.

  40. David says:

    Thank you for this article! I have been in a philosophical mind loop with the concept of physical beauty vs spirituality. In one sense physical beauty is so captivating and sometimes transcendental like a beautiful sunset or a beautiful musical composition. The human body is not much different and can be extremely beautiful. Even Angels appear to people in forms beautiful beyond comprehension and with harmonic melodies echoing from the heavens.

    But I have always been told that physical beauty is something shallow, but surely it can’t be. It must be a reflection of some divine principles. I have been grappling with this, sometimes feeling guilty for finding one person more beautiful than another and then going into a never ending philosophical loop to figure out how beauty is shallow and how I could possibly ever see all things as equally physically beautiful. Mozart is more beautiful than a the sound of a trucker belching over lunch for instance, and I’m sure there is some divine meaning behind this even though they are both physical expressions.

    But I had some breakthroughs reading your article. It’s like being healthy vs unhealthy. Someone may have a disease and suffer and they should be given compassion, but it’s not to say that health is shallow. Health is a divine virtue, physical beauty must be like that. Some people are gifted with it and some people are not. It seems so simple now but this was seriously eating me up for years!

    • Lee says:

      Hi David,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughtful comment. I’m glad the article was so helpful to you!

      There certainly is spiritual and divine meaning to beauty. It’s just that when it comes to human beings living in this material world, physical beauty and spiritual beauty are not always present together. And when they are out of phase with one another, that can indeed send us into “philosophical mind loops” in our attempts to sort it out.

      Happily, in the spiritual world physical and spiritual beauty do come into phase with one another, so that there is no more need for cognitive dissonance regarding beauty.

  41. Lilz Souza says:

    I’m just average physically but I still love God. But I think there are Physically beautiful people that are also beautiful Spiritually, I think it’s unfair😔

  42. Casey says:

    Hi Lee,

    Casey here, I commented on this thread about more than a year back in April 2015, regarding my jaw deformity and seeking advice if I should get the corrective surgery. With government subsidies for my case, deemed a severe facial deformity, I was able to get the surgery in Dec 2015 and am now 9 months post op. I still don’t look like Asia’s next top model LOL, but for the first time in my life I look normal and I’ve never been healthier or happier. I feel like I’ve been given a brand new start. Just wanted to say thanks for giving me the courage to go for it!

    Regards,
    Casey 🙂

    • Lee says:

      Hi Casey,

      Thanks so much for the update. You are most welcome. Annette and I are very happy for you! It does our heart good to know that we were able to help you move forward toward getting corrective surgery and living a normal and healthy life. But most of all, we are very, very happy for you. We wish you all the best in your brand new start on life!

      I do hope that you and your mother were able to resolve your differences about this issue, and that the two of you still have a good and close relationship.

      Best of luck, and Godspeed on your life journey!

  43. Sal says:

    It seems to me that it’s men who
    Want beauty far more than woman . That is , they want beauty in the woman they choice and whilst I know all types of sayings like ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ and men truly value inner beauty’ are often flung around , one only had to look at men’s incredible pull towards ogling a certain type of beauty ‘ youth , slim etc and porn to see what it is men really value . If women seek beauty it is often so that they can increase their value in the eyes of men
    It feel crappy knowing your husband will always ALWAYS considers physical ‘beauty ‘ important and turn his head for a twenty year old hotty when you have given him twenty five years of your life and five babies

    • Lee says:

      Hi Sal,

      Well, men can certainly be pigs. But not all of them are that way. And yes, women seek beauty in order to attract men. But they also seek beauty to compete with one another—and not always to catch a man’s eye. Women have their flaws, too.

      We’re all human, and that means all of us, men and women alike, are flawed, imperfect beings. The hope is that over time we grow out of some of our more superficial and self-centered character traits and learn to be more thoughtful, compassionate, and loving. On that, please see: “Heaven, Regeneration, and the Meaning of Life on Earth.” Meanwhile, I hope you can take some satisfaction in what you’ve accomplished with your life, including raising those babies, regardless of your husband’s behavior.

  44. The Serious Truth says:

    Not only that since many were Very Blessed to be married with a family as well which many of us Weren’t.

  45. Jane Monroe says:

    Let me tell you why this article became a bunch of baloney, especially when it got to the “physical beauty gives you no spiritual advantage” BULL CRAP. Let me break it down for you this way. I am an ugly female with MANY gorgeous female friends who have all miraculously given their lives to Christ and God because of how He’s blessed them abundantly and how He must love them so much. And blessed them abundantly indeed! Beautiful husbands, boyfriends and children, men and relatives who will pay for anything they point their fingers at; access to free makeup, jewelry, plane tickets.. one of my friend’s boyfriends is completely paying for her son’s expensive school tuition (I know if I’d been so unfortunate to be in that situation I’d be in so much debt trying to get my kid through private school because no one would help me out, my kid would just be going public at that point). And at this rate one of my friends is about to have a house completely bought for her by her boyfriend, as he’s bought everything else for her. Me?My beautiful friends who share a makeup addiction with me have that addiction because most of their makeup comes to them for free, I have the addiction because it’s the only thing that allows people to approach me without asking me what’s wrong with my face or skin and giving me a billion suggestions on how I could make myself more beautiful. And the worst part of my predicament is that it has nearly completely damaged my relationship with my mom, who I blame for my ugliness. So it’s really not a wonder as to why my beautiful friends have given their lives to Christ with such EASE. All the blessings they receive from him, it’d be stupid not to be praising him every day of their existences. So what happened with me? Why’d I fall off the back end of the wagon and face plant (literally)? Why won’t God extend these numerous blessings to me? It certainly can’t be because my heart is more impure than that of my friends, some of them have horrible attitudes but still receive an abundance of blessings. My heart may not be impure but I sure am bitter. Not as bitter as I am exhausted though. So long story short, their beaury has brought them to their infinite love for Christ, giving them the spiritual advantage, while mine– or lack of it– has lead me away from spiritual advantage. At this rate it is very likely that I will not be going to heaven with all of my beautiful and abundantly blessed friends. What a way to end such a horrible life. God loves me sooooo much! 😦

    • Lee says:

      Hi Jane,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I am sorry to hear about your predicament. But most of all, I’m sorry to hear about your bitterness. That, and not your lack of physical beauty, is what will cause you spiritual problems.

      As I said in the article, it certainly is true that people who are physically beautiful have great advantages in this life here on earth. But those advantages are physical, social, and financial, not spiritual. The “blessings” you mention that your beautiful friends enjoy are almost entirely physical, financial, and social. And as the saying goes, “You can’t take it with you.”

      “Giving your life to Christ” means nothing if it doesn’t change you into a better, more thoughtful, more loving person. And not just loving those who love you and shower gifts upon you, but loving all people, even those who are not beautiful and not as well-connected socially and financially as yourself.

      You say that some of your beautiful friends “have horrible attitudes.” That is a measure of their spiritual state, not “giving their life to Christ” or having material gifts showered upon them. When they face the judgment after their death, none of those other things will matter. What will matter is whether they still have that “horrible attitude,” look down upon others, are self-centered and vain, and think that the world revolves around them because they’re such prima donnas.

      In short, as stated in the article, even though your beautiful friends have many earthly advantages due to their beauty, they have no spiritual advantages at all. Everything you are saying here is not denying, but affirming the message of the article.

      Your lack of physical beauty does, as you have already experienced, put you at a physical, social, and financial disadvantage in this world. That’s what the article says. But it puts you at no spiritual disadvantage.

      You say your heart is not impure, but you are bitter. Having a heart that is not impure is much more important than any amount of physical beauty or lack thereof.

      The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. (1 Samuel 16:7)

      Your problem spiritually is not your lack of beauty compared to your friends. Rather, your problem is the bitterness that you are holding onto within yourself.

      It is 100% your choice how to respond to your lack of beauty and the worldly unfairness of it. You do not have to be bitter. There are many women (and men) who do not possess physical beauty, but who are not bitter about it. They live good, happy, fulfilling lives, have husbands, wives, and friends, and make their mark upon the world in their own way. That could be your life as well, if you could let go of the bitterness and look instead for the good in your life, and for the good that you can do for others.

      Based on what you say in your comment, I would suggest that your bitterness is based, not on spiritual things, but on material things. You see other, more beautiful women enjoying praise, adulation, expensive gifts being showered upon them, and an enviable social position here in earthly society. But these are all earthly things. As long as you consider these physical, worldly things to be the primary “blessings” that God gives, you will continue to be bitter.

      But none of these things last into eternity if they are not accompanied by a heart that is acceptable to the Lord. None of them are real blessings compared to the blessing of a heart filled with spiritual love for our fellow human beings. And as stated in the article, people who have great beauty are often filled, not with selfless love, but with a vanity and self-absorption that makes them spiritually ugly despite their physical beauty. And many of these people are found in Christian churches. But being a member of a church doesn’t save you. Only what’s in your heart and mind saves you.

      My suggestion for you is that you move your focus away from all those material-world blessings, and consider what the true blessings of God are. Heal your relationship with your mother. Stop blaming her for your looks. Instead, thank her for everything she did for you in raising you. If you blame her for your looks, presumably she, too, does not have great physical beauty. And yet, she has lived her life, and she raised you to adulthood.

      Leave your bitterness behind.

      Don’t think about what people think of you. Think about what you can do for people, based on your own unique experience and personality. I know it’s not easy. But you can choose not to be bitter. You can choose to live a good life, have friends and relationships, and enjoy your time here on earth more if you stop crying “Woe is me!” and instead think about how you can make life a little better for the people around you. In doing so, you will find that your own life becomes better as well, and your lack of physical beauty need not hold you back from having a very good and satisfying life, good friends, and a loving partner.

      Though it is now two years later, here is an article that might help to give you a different perspective going into the new year: “Our New Year’s Resolution Idea for You: Look for the Good in 2015!

  46. MIke says:

    I am not normal i am ugly and short only 5 feet and i hate it i hate god for making me this way , and everyone else is normal, this is something i deal with every day of my life, people treat you like crap everyday based on your looks I LIVE IT! no one can tell me anything different about it because they dont live it I DO! I will never have a family or a girlfriend or a social life my only enjoyment in life is my animals , fishing and video games. I cannot even have a normal relationship friends because i am ugly and people judge me i cant stand it. but i guess that makes me a WARRIOR cause i am still going at 45

    • Lee says:

      Hi Mike,

      Haha! If you’re still going at 45, then you are indeed a warrior!

      But I’ll say to you the same thing I’ve said to others who have bemoaned their lack of physical beauty in the comments here: Don’t let it stop you from being a good and thoughtful person. Physical ugliness certainly is a problem in this world—as you know all too well. But spiritual ugliness of character and attitude is a serious problem both in this world and in the next.

  47. Kyle says:

    No it is not fair, but then again, He is not a fair God. If he was, then people would not be born ugly, born with chronic health problems, or worst of all, being born only to die in a few years of some horrible, incurable disease.

    Women think that they have to look like Kate Upton for men today to consider them attractive, which is so far from the truth. Men have a very wide variety of what we find attractive. Some men like short women, others tall; some like thin women, others like women who are curvy or even obese. Some men like blondes, other redheads, while others love women with black hair. Some men love white women, others love Asians, and others love Black or Hispanic women. If a woman goes to a party with 50 men and encounters a man who thinks she is ugly, she will find plenty of other men at the party who find her attractive, beautiful, or breathtakingly gorgeous.

    Men on the other hand are pretty well sorry out of luck. In order for a woman to even consider us as possible dating material, much less husband material, we must above all else be ripped. Without that, then we have almost no chance unless by some miracle we encounter the extremely rare woman who doesn’t want that. Then of course we must have a full head of hair; any sign of baldness is an instant rejection. We have to be tall, at least 5’10, or else its a likely rejection, but having the first two things can override being short. Lastly we cannot be nice to a women. Treat her well, especially as a Christian should, and she will not just reject you, she will loathe you for it. Of course, there is one overriding factor that can get a man a woman no matter what he looks like, money. If he is rich, he can get almost any woman he wants.

    20+ years of being rejection by women has left me bitter, angry, and pretty much hopeless. I do not go out in public if I can avoid it because I would rather women not see me. Most either frown, grimace, or turn away quickly if they see my eyes looking in their general direction. I’ve been called stupid (that I am not) fat, ugly, repulsive, hideous, and other names I will not repeat. Even was told once to kill myself because I will always be a loser. And the sad part, these things were said to me by women I went to church with over the years. Needless to say, I do not go to church anymore. None of the churches in my town have anything for singles beyond college age (some actively reject singles over 25) and I don’t need to be hurt anymore by so called Christians. I’ll worship God on my own.

    And before someone says why don’t I do things to improve my chances? Well, let’s see. I am not rich, never will be, but I am not destitute either. I make a decent salary. I can’t help losing my hair, inherited that blasted gene from my dad. I don’t have the money and will not go into debt for hair transplants. (I’m almost out of debt with only a few thousand left on my student loans.) I’m almost 40 and still get acne like I am 15 courtesy of my mom who still gets it at 63 and her mom still got it into her 80s before she passed away. At least it hasn’t scarred my face, but medication to clear it up either doesn’t work, burns my skin, or causes an allergic reaction. I have to wear hideous glasses because my vision is bad, again just like my mom. I’ve seen four different eye doctors and all have said I cannot have vision correction. It would likely blind me if they tried. Working out to build muscle or lose weight is pointless due to several hormone problems that cannot be corrected enough to function normally. The numerous medications I take allow me to function to a point were I can work, sleep, and survive, but that’s it. I spent a year going to a gym, hiring a nutritionist, and working myself to death to try and look better, and after all that time and money wasted, I looked pretty much exactly the same. I lost a whopping 5lbs. I now just go for a walk in the neighborhood after it gets dark because its free and no one will be able to see my ugly face.

    Worst of all is my family has pretty much disowned me. My dad no longer considers me his son because I am a failure. I should have given him grandchildren by now. He still cares about my sisters, even though neither has kids, is married, or plans to do either. Rather than just cutting me off, which I could probably take, he “replaced” me with the youngest daughter of his late wife. (My parents got divorced and remarried when I was in my mid-20s.) The woman my dad married passed away a few years ago from cancer, and her youngest daughter never liked me. Now that she is married and planning to have kids, dad acts like she is his only child, even though she has no blood or legal relation to him. She never liked me, so he had to pick one of us, and he took someone who is no one to him over his own son. Just think about how much that hurts. My mom didn’t go that far, but she’s now a “holy roller” and only calls me to criticize me because she thinks I’m not a good enough Christian.

    That said, clearly not everyone can be successful in life. We all play the lottery of life. To some God gives the jackpot, others get some of the numbers so they still win a smaller jackpot, and then ones like me get none of the numbers, or even worse, we miss every single number by a single digit. How or why God decides who wins and who loses, is something we’ll never know. Perhaps it is purely random chance and he has nothing to do with it. I would hope it is, because I would have a hard time serving a God who plays favorites.

    • Lee says:

      Hi Kyle,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for telling your story.

      I understand that you believe God gave you a raw deal. I won’t argue with you about that except to repeat what I said in the article (you did read it, didn’t you?): that the “raw deal” applies only to life on this earth, not to our spiritual life and our eternal life after we leave this earth. But yes, I understand that you’re still here on earth, so the raw deal still applies.

      Although there is some truth to what you say about the varied prospects of women and men for marriage, I will argue with you about some of that. Baldness is not an instant rejection. A beautiful niece of mine recently married a bald man, and they are very happy together. And I personally am not “ripped,” but I am married just the same. There are women who are more interested in a man’s character than in his looks. And stats are in your favor because this tends to be truer as women move into middle age and beyond, and gain some experience and maturity in their outlook on life.

      One thing women are generally not interested in is men who are wallowing in bitterness and self-pity. Although lack of physical attractiveness certainly is a negative, if a man combines that with a massive chip on his shoulder about the unfairness of life and the shallowness of women who only want a physically handsome man, or at least a rich man, then that really is a definite no. I realize this is probably not what you want to hear. But it is the truth. If you hold onto your bitterness, you will repel even women who might have some affinity for you and are willing to look beyond physical appearances. And you, for your part, must be willing to look past the physical appearance of women and consider their qualities of character more than their particular physique.

      About all those women who have rejected and insulted you, that certainly isn’t easy to take. Still, you have to realize that women get hit on by men all the time. They develop defense mechanisms to repel men whose advances they’re not interested in. And the reality is that nearly every woman in the world is not the woman for you. It’s simply a matter of numbers. There are something like three or four billion women in the world. It’s likely that only a handful of them could be a match for you. It really doesn’t matter what most women think of you. It only matters what one particular woman thinks of you.

      On the positive side, despite the fact that you’ve been treated badly by people in general and by your family in particular, it sounds like you’re soldiering on, holding down a stable job, and continuing to live your life. And though you’re clearly angry at God, from what you say you haven’t entirely rejected God. I would suggest that God has something—and even someone—in mind for you even if it absolutely doesn’t seem that way to you at this point in your life.

      I would suggest continuing to live your life, continuing to develop your mind, your skills, and your abilities. Don’t focus on the bad hand you’ve been dealt. Continue to move forward with your life, and make your contribution to society. Forget about what people think of you—as hard as that may be. Think more about what you, with your particular mind, skills, and abilities, can do for people. If you focus on that, and gradually leave your bitterness behind, you may find that interpersonal doors that used to be slammed in your face may start opening a crack, and then a little more. Value other people for who they are rather than for what they look like, just as you wish them to do for you. In that way you will find the people who can look past physical appearances to the person underneath.

      I’m not saying any of this is easy. It’s darn hard work. But that’s why we’re given a lifetime to do it in. For more on that, please see the article, “Heaven, Regeneration, and the Meaning of Life on Earth.”

      • Kyle says:

        Yes, I do feel like I have received a raw deal and it took many years to get to that point.

        Why do I say women will not date bald men? Because 5 have rejected me for that very reason and even more because I am not ripped. There is no reason why a woman who claims to be a Christian should reject someone by dropping horrible insults or telling the guy to go kill himself. Just say no thanks and move on. I doubt Jesus would respond with a full nuclear strike.

        My self-pity is a fairly recent thing. It took 20 years of being beaten down to arrive at this point and only become serious after what happened with my father. After all, if he doesn’t value me at all, how could anyone else?

        I have never judged a woman solely on her looks. Sure there are certain things I do not find attractive, (which is true for every single person on this planet) but I have never been picky. I am so far from perfect that I do not expect it from anyone else. All I want is a Christian woman who will love me for who I am, flaws and all. I am not asking for a 50 on a scale of 1-10. The problem is, I have never met a woman who will even give me a chance. She takes one look at how ugly I am, and runs away screaming. I have never had a girlfriend, never even been on a date. Even in high school the girls rejected me, albeit for somewhat different reasons, not that they hurt any less.

        Sadly, I have a photographic memory so I can remember every single woman who has rejected me, how she did it, and why she did it as if it was an hour ago. All it takes is something to trigger that memory and it comes right back. I do not want to, but it is something I cannot help or control. I got me through grad school, but it is a curse otherwise.

        The last time I set foot in church I was invited by a coworker. He and his wife have a friend who is single, about my age (mid-30s at the time), and said she was looking for a Christian man. He had to prod me for two months before I agreed, and was terrified at the prospect, but I went. She seemed nice, but when she thought I was out of earshot, she told his wife to never try and set her up with “an ugly guy like him.” When the wife came back to join us, I told her word for word what I had just heard. The look of abject horror on her face kind of shocked me; she clearly did not know that I heard the conversation. I thanked them for their kindness and walked out. That hurt so bad I truly wished at that moment I would die. It’s when I accepted the fact I have no chance at happiness or love. I will die alone and my corpse won’t be found for months or years because no one on this Earth will be here to care about me.

        I have tried all of the online dating sites except eHarmony which will not let me join. Attempted to sign up for it 5 times, and rejected by it each time. No one on Match ever contacted me, or replied back to my messages. Christian Mingle was worthless, the only women around my age all were single mothers (not divorced or widowed) who put “never married, no children” in their stats, but in their profiles, all mentioned having one or more kids. Really? Doing that says either you are dumb or a liar. Plenty of Fish and OkCupid had the same results as Match. When you are so ugly, you will never get a reply on an online dating site.

        I have not rejected God, nor would I, but yes, I am angry at him. I have been begging him for anything, even just a tiny crumb for so long, and all I have ever received is nothing. I am so lonely and God is not a cure for that. He is not physically here with me, he will not talk to me, and he cannot be human companionship. Anything I say to him is a one sided conversation.

        I just wish I had some reason to feel positive about my life. Hearing church platitudes, others saying how great their lives are and God does everything for them, and then the Bible itself saying God will do wonderful things for his children, but it never happens to me, just cuts me so deep.

        • Lee says:

          Hi Kyle,

          I do understand. Probably more than you realize, from personal experience earlier in life. And the lesson I took out of it is that ultimately, we cannot pin our life, our hopes, our integrity, or anything else on other human beings. Every single one of them is limited and fallible (read: messed up) just as we are. Ultimately, we can only pin our life on God. That’s why Jesus said:

          Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:37–39)

          And even more harshly in the Gospel of Luke:

          Now large crowds were traveling with him; and he turned and said to them, “Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” (Luke 14:25–27)

          Christians have puzzled over these statements for many centuries. I believe the point Jesus is making is that if we aren’t willing to abandon family and friends who pull us away from God, and follow God first, then we simply can’t follow God because we are putting fallible and faulty human beings ahead of God.

          More specifically, if we depend upon the love and approval of other human beings to have a sense of self-worth, then we are far short of following God. And ironically, if we depend upon the love and approval of other human beings to have a sense of self-worth, then we can never have a truly healthy relationship with another human being. And that includes romantic relationships.

          I know very well that this is hard as hell to actually accomplish. We humans desperately long for love and approval and yes, physical contact from other human beings. We even need it. But if as self-responsible adults we require it before we feel we can do anything with our life, then we might as well just throw in the towel. We must each be able to stand on our own two feet, confident that God has created us and put us here on earth for a specific reason, to accomplish specific things, before we can be in a truly healthy relationship with another human being—especially a romantic relationship.

          If any woman that you would actually want to be paired with long-term senses that you require her love and support in order to have any sense of self-worth, self-integrity, and mission in life, she will run away from you very fast. She wants to be in a relationship with a man who can stand on his own two feet, not a man who will lean on her like a crutch.

          As for those women who rejected you being bald or not “ripped,” if that was their real reason for rejecting you, then every one of them did you a huge favor. You do not want to be hooked up with some woman who is so superficial that her primary criteria for a suitable mate is physical attractiveness. It may feel good at first if you were by some strange stretch of the imagination actually able to attract and get together with such a woman. But you would soon find that she will make your life hell and then dump you in the nearest ditch.

          I am also well aware of the superficiality of many so-called “Christian” churches. I do not blame you at all for avoiding them. But churches should not be dating sites anyway. Churches are for worshiping God, learning about God and the spiritual life, and being inspired to live a good and godly life.

          As for dating sites, I know that many people find mates through them. However, my own belief is that the best way to find a mate is to live your own life fully, do your work well and with integrity, and follow your own healthy interests on your own time. You’re more likely to find someone who matches your character and temperament by being fully yourself and fully living a life that expresses yourself than you are by looking up anonymous people on the Internet or going on blind dates at a local church.

          And if the “self” that you are has some serious problems, then it’s up to you to work on those problems and become a better version of yourself.

          In saying this, I’m talking primarily about your character as a person, not about your physical self. However, taking care of your physical body is also important as long as you live on this earth, even if you got the short end of the stick when it comes to physical attractiveness. Being physically weak and sickly if you could be stronger and healthier is not a good thing. I do realize that you’re battling many physical and health issues. The best you may be able to do is to fight off the worst of it and keep yourself going physically well enough that you can pursue your work, your interests, and your goals.

          No church platitudes are going to deal with the situation you’re facing. Only a lot of damn hard inner work on your part—and some attention to the health of your body as well. This is not going to be fixed in a day or a week or a month or even a year. You’ll probably be working on it for the rest of your life. But if you can find a sense of integrity within yourself, in your relationship with God, and in your daily work and activities, then you will be on your way toward something better than you have now—if not here on earth, then in the afterlife. But even here on earth, following this path will give you more satisfaction in life than becoming bitter, bemoaning your fate, and shaking your fist at God.

          About finding someone in the afterlife, please see: “Can you Fall in Love in Heaven if you Haven’t Found Someone on Earth?

          Your life is in your own hands.

  48. The Truth Is says:

    What makes it more sad is that i do see the ugliest guys with the most attractive women which that would be really like watching those one step beyond true stories that they have on TV today which has now become a real reality to see these type of guys with these kind of women. I certainly call it the world of the unexplained. But then again these type of women will go with men that have a lot of money, ugly or not.

    • Lee says:

      Hi The Truth Is,

      Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.

      However, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with a physically unattractive person being married to a physically attractive person. Real marriage is a union of minds first, and only secondarily a union of bodies. Some attractive women marry unattractive men (and vice versa) because they feel a oneness of mind and spirit with them that they haven’t found with externally attractive people.

      The phenomenon of women marrying men primarily for their money is, of course, an unfortunate reality. But then again, there are many unfortunate things about human society here on earth, and many of them don’t get sorted out until we hit the afterlife.

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