Here is a Spiritual Conundrum submitted to Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life by a reader named Anna:
If a widow remarries after Death of her husband, which one will she be with in her afterlife?
Thanks for the good question, Anna.
The Meeting of a Family in Heaven, by William Blake
I’m sorry if you had to go through the death of a husband. This is not only a difficult and painful experience, but it’s also one that can cause us to rethink our whole life and character. That’s especially so if we had a good and loving relationship with the husband—or wife—we lost. Moving on to a new marriage means becoming a different person than we were before in at least some ways. We must form a new relationship with a different person, and adapt ourselves to that new relationship.
Which love is real?
Probably both of them.
But we can be married to only one person in heaven.
So which will it be?
The basic answer is: the one we are then closest to in spirit.
Let’s take a closer look.
An ancient question
You are far from alone in asking this question.
Two thousand years ago a group of skeptics asked Jesus the same type of question—though they brought it to a ridiculous extreme. You can read three versions of the question and Jesus’ response to it in Matthew 22:23–33, Mark 12:18–27, and Luke 20:27–40.
The people who asked this question were not interested in marriage in heaven. They were trying to argue that the whole idea of an afterlife is ridiculous. Jesus’ response focused mostly on the reality of the afterlife. But he also said that the legalistic relationship that they called “marriage” does not exist in heaven.
Unfortunately, Christians ever since have thought he was saying there is no marriage at all in the afterlife. For more on this question, see the article, How does Marriage Fit In with a Spiritual Life? Is There Marriage in Heaven? And for a much deeper and more detailed look at Jesus’ words about marriage in the afterlife, see a series of three articles starting with: Didn’t Jesus Say There’s No Marriage in Heaven?
Here’s the short version: God created man and woman to be married, and to be complete in one another. We don’t change and become a completely different type of being just because we die. The same fundamental human love and desire to join with another person here on earth continues with us into the spiritual world.
With that in mind, let’s move on to the question of who we will be married to in the afterlife.
Marriage is first a union of souls
From a purely biological perspective, marriage doesn’t exist. There is only mating.
Though some other animals besides humans do mate for life (and many humans do not mate for life), no other animal gets married. Even without bringing God and spirit into the picture, marriage is a social and legal arrangement that doesn’t exist outside of human society.
But from a spiritual perspective, marriage is much more than that. In the Gospels, Jesus said:
But from the beginning of creation, “God made them male and female.” “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Mark 10:6–9)
Marriage, as God designed it, makes two human beings into one. And though that does mean we become one physically in the act of lovemaking, everything God does starts with God and spirit, not with flesh. When God joins us together, it is first of all a spiritual union. In other words, it is a union of two souls, hearts, and minds into one. In a real marriage, the social, legal, and physical union flows seamlessly from the spiritual union that makes two souls into one soul.
That is why especially in the higher heavens, a married couple is commonly called “one angel.” From a distance, they may even appear as a single person.
In short, genuine marriage starts with our deepest soul level, and unites us from there all the way down to our bodies.
This is the marriage that exists in heaven—something those ancient materialistic skeptics, who asked Jesus their crazy hypothetical question, could not even conceive of.
We are eternally the person we are inwardly at death
What, then, determines who we will be married to eternally in heaven?
Our spiritual character, and the spiritual character of the one who will be our eternal partner.
And what is our spiritual character?
It is what we love most, what we truly believe in our heart, what we do with our life based on those loves and beliefs.
Each of us has—and is—a unique set of loves, beliefs, and skills. That is why we take on various careers, professions, and purposes in life.
What do you love most?
- Is it money, power, or pleasure? If so, you might want to reconsider the direction of your life.
- Is it God’s presence in your life, and service to your fellow human beings in your own unique way? If so, then the particular way you love God and serve your fellow human beings will set the course for your eternal life in heaven.
Of course, this can and does change during the course of our lifetime here on earth.
The whole purpose of our life on earth is to give us an opportunity to consider the various directions we might go, try out the ones that look good to us, and make a choice over our lifetime about what we love most, who we want to be, and what we want to do with our life. (For more on this, see “Heaven, Regeneration, and the Meaning of Life on Earth.”)
During the course of our lifetime here on earth, we develop into the angel we will become. All of our experiences, choices, and actions in life become a part of the complex, multifaceted person that we are.
What matters most is not the particular things we have experienced or done at various times in our life. What matters most is the choices we make in response to them, and the person we become as a result.
At the time of our death, we have made all of the choices we are going to make here on earth. We have become the person we will be in eternity.
It is this character that we have formed through our lifetime on earth, and up to the time of our death, that will determine who we will be married to in heaven.
Our various partners reflect our developing self
Many, if not most of us go through more than one relationship. Many people have been married more than once, either through the death of a spouse or through separation and divorce.
If we look back over our various relationships, and reflect on why we were with each partner, we may be able to discern how each relationship expressed something of our character at that time. As we went through changes in our beliefs, attitudes, and goals—and in our general level of maturity—we moved from one partner to another.
Many of us found one we felt we could spend the rest of our life with. Some of us were blessed to have that ideal become a reality in a loving, lifelong marriage.
For many others of us, though, that was not to be. Some of us entered marriages that turned out not to have the soul connection that makes a true and lasting marriage. Others simply grew away from our partner. Still others did have a good and loving marriage, but lost our husband or wife to premature death.
Those who lose a beloved spouse to death while there is still much life to live face a difficult choice.
Will we seek new love, and remarry?
That is a very personal choice. No one else can make it for us. If you’ve been through it, you know all of the conflicting thoughts and feelings that go into it.
Those who make the choice to remarry, and who believe in eternal marriage, will naturally think about which of their loves they will be with in eternity.
What happens to us when we die?
So let’s get to it!
Here is what Emanuel Swedenborg (1688–1772) tells us in his books Heaven and Hell and Marriage Love about what happens to us after we die, and what happens with married couples.
When we first die, after the initial experience of leaving our physical body and being welcomed into the spiritual world, we settle into a life very much like the one we had lived previously on earth. This can last anywhere from a few days to a few decades.
Most of us are probably in this first stage for a period of some years. This gives us time to get together with our husband or wife and settle back into a life together similar to the one we had in the world.
Here on earth, we learn to put on a face for the world. We often pretend to be someone we are not for social and practical reasons. This habit of ours continues right into that first stage in the spiritual world. We may be so used to acting like we are a certain type of person that even we ourselves don’t know who we truly are inside.
However, in the spiritual world, as days stretch into weeks, years, and sometimes decades, our true inner character is gradually opened up. We can no longer pretend to be someone we are not. Our real inner thoughts and feelings begin to show through.
This is our second stage after death. By the time it is over, we cannot say anything we do not believe, or do anything that isn’t what we really want to do. (For more on the stages we go through after death, see “What Happens To Us When We Die?”)
Once our true inner character has been revealed, we are prepared to discover who will be our true, eternal partner.
Who will we be married to in heaven?
Here on earth, our marriages are not always based on who we truly are inside. We may marry for social or financial reasons. Or we may not have a clear sense of who we are, and marry someone who looks attractive to us for reasons we don’t think out very deeply.
If we are not truly one in spirit with our husband or wife at the time that we die, we will probably still get together with them again during that first stage after death. However, as our own and our spouse’s real inner character comes out, it will become clear that we don’t belong with this person. At that point, the marriage will break up. As on earth, this can happen either by the husband leaving the wife, or the wife leaving the husband, or by a mutual decision.
If we have been married more than once, we will have the opportunity to meet and get together with each of the people we were married to. We may even live with each of them for a time in order to find out whether we have a real spiritual connection with one or another of them. This can take place during that first stage after death, when we are still figuring out who we truly are inside.
Eventually, though, it will become crystal clear to us exactly who we are, and exactly who our various partners are. This happens in that second stage after death, when our true inner self comes out.
At that point, it will become as plain as day who we truly belong with. Knowing our own real character, and seeing the real character of our various partners, we will see which one of them has grown in the same direction we have grown, and shares our deepest loves and beliefs. Or we may find that our true love is not any of our previous partners, but someone new.
Whoever it is, that is the one we will marry and spend eternity with.
Were our previous marriages real?
Does this mean that all of our other marriages and relationships were not real?
Not necessarily. Remember, our life here on earth is a process of growth, development, discovery, and decision about who we are and who we want to become. At one stage of our life we may very much love the partner we are with. But then the two of us may move in different directions, and part ways.
If our husband or wife died and we moved on to another marriage, that doesn’t necessarily mean the earlier marriage wasn’t real. It may be that in heaven we will return to our earlier love. Maybe that person actually was our true spiritual partner. Or maybe we have moved on from that stage of our life, and we are no longer a match for one another.
For each person it is different. If you’ve been married more than once, I can’t say which one of your marital partners you will be with in heaven. Only you can discover that for yourself.
Eternal marriage
What I can say is that whoever it is, it will be the right person for you.
God loves us, and wants to give us every happiness. If we long for a true, deep, loving, exciting, eternal marriage with someone who shares our deepest thoughts and feelings, God will provide that for us.
Which one will you be with in the afterlife?
The one with whom you have become one in spirit through your lifetime here on earth.
With that person, now an angel, you will become one angel. With that person you will continue to grow in love and understanding forever.
With that person you will share your life, your passions, your ideas, your work, your play—and yes, your marriage bed—to all eternity.
This article is a response to a spiritual conundrum submitted by a reader.
For further reading:
- How does Marriage Fit In with a Spiritual Life? Is There Marriage in Heaven?
- Can you Fall in Love in Heaven if you Haven’t Found Someone on Earth?
- Didn’t Jesus Say There’s No Marriage in Heaven?
- How to Know if Mr. or Ms. Right is Right for You: Pointers from Gloria and Emilio Estefan
- Viktor Frankl on Meaning through Relationship: It’s All About Love and Understanding
- Heaven, Regeneration, and the Meaning of Life on Earth
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Lee Woofenden is an ordained minister, writer, editor, translator, and teacher. He enjoys taking spiritual insights from the Bible and the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg and putting them into plain English as guides for everyday life.
Spiritual Insights for Everyday Life 
What if you are a widow and marry a widower and you are spiritually closer to him but he is spiritually closer to his first wife?
Hi Curious Catholic,
Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment.
It’s a very good question. Life is complicated, especially on this earth. People marry for many different reasons. It isn’t always for love. Widows and widowers sometimes remarry out of sheer loneliness, even if they are still in love with their deceased husband or wife.
Also, feelings of romantic love for a person aren’t necessarily the same as spiritual closeness to that person. Ideally they should be the same. In the long run they will be the same, when we find and marry the person who is right for us. But the human psyche is also complicated. We may fall in love with someone for reasons that are not spiritual. For example, a woman who grew up with a controlling father may unconsciously seek to recreate that type of relationship by marrying a controlling man, because it “feels right” to her. But if she does, it will most likely be a disastrous relationship.
No two people are the same. No two relationships are the same. If you are experiencing the situation you are describing, I can’t say how it will turn out for you in the long run.
What I can say is that ultimately, in eternal marriages, the relationship must be fully mutual. If one partner is in love with the other, but the other is still in love with a previous partner, that is not a stable relationship. If it stays together, it will be held together only by external factors, not by an inner spiritual union. Once the one who is still in love with a previous partner dies, he or she will be free to get back together with that previous partner. If they are indeed right for each other, they will resume their previous married life.
Does this mean the other one will be left out in the cold? No. God provides partners for people who long for a good and loving marriage, and who do the work of being “born again”—which means doing the work of setting aside their own self-centeredness, and becoming a good and loving person. If the remarriage turned out not to be fully mutual, God will provide another partner who truly is one in spirit with the one “left behind.” If this doesn’t happen on earth, it will happen after death in the spiritual world.
Another possibility is that as time passes, the feelings of the one who is still longing for his or her deceased partner will change. Perhaps the two of them were not as close in spirit as he or she thought they were. If so, this will usually become clear over time, especially if there is a growing closeness in spirit with the new partner in the remarriage.
How can you tell what your own situation is? Which way will your current marriage go? Only time will tell. Time, and honesty with yourself and with your husband.
People and relationships unfold over time. If there is no underlying spiritual closeness and mutuality, that will become clear as the relationship continues day after day and year after year. It is very hard to keep faking it for years and years when you are living together with another person every day. Sooner or later the truth will come out. Then you will have your answer.
And if it is not the answer you were longing for, then you must trust in God, who has prepared greater things for you than you can now understand or imagine.
Hi, I recently lost someone I had a connection with. Always had rubbish timing with guys and I accepted I just wasn’t meant to find love. This guy we had liked each other for last year and it felt like it would only be a matter of time before we got together. He died a few weeks ago. Will he be waiting for me? I can’t imagine feeling this connection with anyone else.
Hi Fay,
I’m so sorry to hear about his death. Life can be very hard.
Will he be waiting for you? Only God knows for sure. But if you had a real connection, you will certainly see him when it comes time for you to make the transition into the spiritual world. Then, if the flame is still there, you will be able to resume the relationship that was tragically interrupted by his death.
Here is an article that may also be helpful to you:
How Can I Be Sure that My Partner will Be Waiting for Me in Heaven?
Meanwhile, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you so much for these articles! They help me in this darkness. I put my hope on these and god🤍
Hi Oona,
You are most welcome! Thanks for stopping by, and for your comment. I’m glad this article was helpful to you. Any light in our darkness is good!
I am a blessed widower who had thirty years to learn how to love my wife deeply. It was a journey full of challenges, with great meaning and growing love. I want to look into my wife’s eyes once again and continue the journey someday. Meanwhile, I have recently chosen to be in relationship with another woman. Though it is early, we are getting alone quite well. I think we can bless each other’s life. Since it is so early in our relationship, I can’t expect out relationship to have the depth that my 30 year relationship with my wife had, but that’s okay. It’s good. And it feels wonderful to be giving of myself again in a relationship.
The woman, I’m in relationship with has never had love like I experienced with my wife. Is it too great a risk for her to be investing years in a relationship with someone who wants very much to be with his wife again in the afterlife? I don’t tell her this of course, but she knows I was blessed with an extraordinary love. I want the best for this woman who has yet to experience the depth of love I have, and I know I can bless her life and she mine, but is it better for her to spend her years on earth with a man who she has greater potential to be with in the afterlife? I’m thinking that man would be someone who hasn’t had the kind of profound love my wife and I had, and who already is likely matched in the afterlife? So much feels right about pursuing this relationship, other than the possibiltiy that time could be of the essence for my new friend to find her best partner for the afterlife? I know you said that there is opportunity in the afterlife for people to find their forever partner. I’m wondering if it is more important that she and I can bless each others life and develop as much love as possible, than to necessarily be together in the afterlife? Or is there some advantage for her to be finding her forever love in this life rather than the next?
Hi Paul,
Thanks for stopping by, and for telling your story.
This is a very complicated and fraught issue, for which there are no easy answers. No one else is in your shoes, or in the shoes of your new lady friend. No one can make these decisions for you.
The one thing I would say is that if your relationship with your new partner is ever to go beyond a superficial level, sooner or later you will have to tell her the truth. Ideally this would take place before she committed her life to you through marriage. If it happens after you have already been married for some time, it could cause great strife in the marriage, and even tear it apart. Women can generally tell when their man’s heart isn’t fully in the relationship. If your heart is still with your late wife, you will not be able to hide if from your new partner forever.
If the two of you do consider getting married, it is better to go into it with your eyes and her eyes open. If she understands the situation and still wants to marry you, then whatever struggles you may have about it later, there will not be the additional struggle of her feeling that you deceived her when you said “I do.”
It may seem unthinkable that anyone would marry a person who believes he or she will be married to someone else in the afterlife. But one thing to keep in mind is that not all people believe in eternal marriage. Some will be happy with a husband or wife to be with them, love them, and take care of them “till death do us part,” as in the old traditional Christian wedding vows.
I have known people who were able to marry again despite being fully in love with their previous husband or wife, and who were able to make it work. But in each case, the truth came out, either before or after the wedding. And sometimes there was a very difficult passage when the truth did come out.
Another thing to bear in mind is that if you have been previously married but your new potential wife has not, her experience of going into the marriage will be quite different from yours. This, too, can cause difficulties for couples who don’t fully appreciate that the other person is in a completely different state of mind in relation to marriage.
My suggestion, then, would be to tread carefully, and be prepared to be fully honest with your new lady friend as the relationship develops. If, in the end, she feels that you have stolen her away from some potential relationship with a man who could give her his entire heart, then you will have many hard days in front of you in your relationship with her. It is easy to fool ourselves that we are going into a relationship out of love for the other person, when in reality we are doing it mainly to bind up our own broken heart. If in the end you cannot give her the thoughtfulness and respect of laying all your cards out on the table before she says “I do,” then you will have to ask yourself how much you do care for her, and for her life and feelings.
Perhaps some of this is not what you wanted to hear. And of course, you will have to think things through and make up your own mind. I, also, am not in your shoes. I do not know the whole situation for you or for her. Just tread lightly, please, and be prepared to let her go if it becomes clear to you that you cannot give her what she wants and needs, and should be able to enjoy, in a relationship.
Hi Lee,
Thank you for helping me think my situation through. I do want to give this woman the thoughtfulness and respect of laying my cards on the table. I think I may have already done this, but if I can tell you how I’ve done this, and get some feedback on whether I did an adequate job, or whether I can do better, I would appreciate that. You see when I told you that I don’t tell her that I want to be with my wife in the afterlife, it isn’t because I want to hide this from her. It’s more because there are things I don’t understand. We certainly have had conversations about the afterlife. I’ve expressed to her that when we began to become closer to one another, that I was questioning God in my prayers. I would share with her what my prayers were like:
“Lord, I was so blessed to have a wonderful wife. You answered my prayer as a young man, when I was confused about what I was good at. I told you from somewhere deep inside with tears that I think I could be really good at loving someone, and you gave me a journey with my wife that showed me how heavenly love can be. Now that my wife is no longer with me physically, what do I do with my time on earth? Maybe if I valued my music as much as the relationship building with my wife, I’d do more of that now that I have more time. You know that I have been doing more of this, but It’s not my greatest gift. There are plenty of good things I could do with the rest of my life, but you made it absolutely clear to me that my greatest gift is loving a spouse. I’ve been asking you whether, I’m to spend the rest of my years doing what I do best, or if there is a reason to not do this. The only reason I came up with why it may not be such a good idea to do what I’m best at, is that it could make things confusing. Right now it is not so confusing to know that I would want to spend the afterlife with the wife I’ve spent many years developing a wonderful relationship, as opposed to someone I’m just beginning to know and love. But what happens if I live many years and develop an equally wonderful relationship with this new woman? Then what? Of course it isn’t a problem if fantastic relationships could only exist between two people. But I’m pretty sure it is quite possible that I could love this woman as much, if given the opportunity. In this life I could choose between two equally attractive things that suit me well and it isn’t such a big deal. But people aren’t things, and I’m afraid of having to choose between two people I’ve come to love very much. Is this a reason not to fall in love again?”
Lee, if giving this new woman my entire heart means to love her with all I’ve got, right now, at this moment, in this current life, and not be dwelling on my past wife, I’m rather sure I could do this. I told this woman that I would not be obsessively living in the past, and always talking about my past wife, but that I would like to talk about my wife with a healthy balance, and share the memories with her and others on occasion. My girlfriend is incredibly understanding and told me she loves hearing about all the beautiful things that I experienced with my wife.
But Lee, even if I do an excellent job of loving this new woman, I know that there will be plenty of moments where I will be talking to my wife in heaven. How much of my heart is always going to be with her, too? There are expressions like “Letting go.” and “Moving on.” I think of these phrases as good advise for those of us holding on too tightly or getting stuck in the past. But I certainly don’t want to let go of my wife for all eternity. And I certainly don’t want to give my entire heart to a new woman, if that means my wife would no longer have any part of my heart.
Perhaps this is just a semantical challenge? In any case, you sure are right about this being a complicated and fraught issue.
By the way, I’m reading and reading so much of what you have written on your website. Thank you for what you do!
Paul
I also have a complicated question. If we that are left on earth as widows can decide ( or not) to start a new relationship with someone else, can our spouses in heaven do the same thing? I have heard so many different opinions. I’m one who will never replace my husband. I am still married to him. We didn’t get a divorce and he didn’t want to die. But I don’t have any idea what’s going on up in heaven. Do our loved ones start new relationships and forget about their spouses on earth? I realize I have no say as to what happens or doesn’t happen. I just know that my husband and I truly loved each other and I will always love him and yearn for him and him only. I wonder all the time if he still feels the same way about me? He was just 59 when he passed away. I’m hoping you can give me some sort of hope that he still loves me the same as he always did. I want him to still want me.Thanks for reading this…… Shelly
Hi Shelly,
Yes, this is also a complicated question. The complicated part is that I don’t have God’s ability to look into the human heart and see what’s there. So I can’t give you as definite an answer as you might like.
What I can say is that if the two of you truly are one in heart and mind, then he will not seek another relationship on the other side. And even if he did, there would be only a short window, perhaps a couple decades at most, that he could sustain it. By that time his true heart would be revealed, and assuming he is a good person, which you know he is, then he would no longer even be able to be with someone who is not one with him in mind and heart as you are.
Here on earth many people form relationships based on external factors, or based on not seeing the true character of themselves or of the person they are forming a relationship with, or both. Even people who are inwardly mismatched can get married and spend many years together. Sometimes they may be aware that the relationship isn’t quite right. Other times they may think it is fine, but that’s because they can only see the external compatibility, and not the internal mismatch. (I hasten to add that some people do see the inner quality of the relationship, and know in their heart and mind even here on earth that they are with the right person.)
Immediately after death, when people first arrive in the “world of spirits,” which is the area of the spiritual world situated between heaven and hell, they continue living an outward life similar to the one they lived on earth. Oddly enough, they may not even realize they have died, because life there is so similar. During this early part of their afterlife, it might be possible to form relationships that aren’t based on an inner oneness between themselves and their partner.
However, as their lives continue on in the world of spirits, their true inner self begins to come out and show itself, so that before long—again, at most a few short decades—they will speak, act, and even appear bodily exactly the same as their inward thoughts, feelings, and character. At this point, similarities and differences between people become very clear and obvious to everyone. And for people who have a good heart, and are headed toward heaven, it is no longer possible to form a relationship with someone who is not one with them in mind and heart. The very differences between them would drive them apart.
You see, in the spiritual world, there is no time and space as we experience it here on earth. We do experience a passage of events, but it doesn’t happen through regular time measured by the ticking of clocks. And as for space, though there are shorter and longer distances between people, towns, and so on, these are only appearances. Really, distance is caused by differences in loves and affections, whereas closeness is caused by similarity of loves and affections.
We can sense this even here on earth, where we want to be close to the people we love, and far away from the people we don’t love, and whose attitudes and actions are not compatible with ours. And yet, sometimes we end out in the same room with people that we can’t stand, and want to be far, far away from.
That’s not how it works in the spiritual world. There, people who are distant from one another in love, attitude, and character will be “physically” distant from one another as well, whereas those who are close to one another in love, attitude, and character will be “physically” close to one another as well.
Of course, the person we are closest to, the one we live with, is our husband or wife. This is the person we can share a home with day after day, and it always feels good and right, because this is the person who is one with us in heart and mind. And this is why, in the spiritual world, once that initial phase of still living our old outward life is over, and we begin living exactly like the person we truly are inside, it is no longer possible to share a home, still less a marriage bed, with someone who is not fully one with us in heart and mind. The very laws of the spiritual universe won’t allow it.
So although I cannot give a definite answer in your specific instance because I cannot look into your heart and mind, nor can I look into your late husband’s heart and mind, I can say that if you know in your heart that you and he are right for each other, and are one in spirit, it will not be possible for him to remain with any other woman now that he has passed into the spiritual world.
And in truth, now that he is in the spiritual world, and is having his own heart and mind opened up, if the two of you are right for each other, he will have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone else. He may feel some loneliness since you have not yet rejoined him. But the mere thought of being with some other woman will cause him to grow cold to his very bones.
In the end, then, only you can answer your complicated question for yourself. However, I hope these thoughts give you a better understanding of how things work in the spiritual world so that you can come to a more definite answer to your question.
Hi Paul,
You are most welcome. I’m glad the articles here are so helpful to you.
Your current situation is much more than a semantic challenge. It is a heart challenge. Losing a beloved spouse is very hard, even if you know she will be waiting for you in heaven. Living alone for many years is also very hard, especially for men who have been happily married. Men do not easily and naturally make close, heartfelt relationships with other people, especially not with their male friends, as women commonly do with their female friends. Men commonly rely entirely upon their wives for this sort of human emotional connection. When they lose their wives, their lives often become empty and desolate.
I knew one man whose beloved wife was killed instantly in an auto accident when both of them were still relatively young. He remained single and faithful to her for several years after she died, but he was miserable living alone in an empty house. He finally realized that his late wife would not want him to suffer like this. He then found a good woman and remarried, and once again had joy and human connection in his life.
It sounds like you have made a good start on expressing to your new girlfriend your feelings about your late wife and about your new relationship with her. Have you done “enough”? That’s hard to say. These things unfold over time. If you spend much time with her, things will come out as they come out, assuming the two of you are fully engaging with one another. For now, it seems that your girlfriend is not being scared away by what you are telling her, and that is a good sign.
If you put yourself in her shoes for a moment, she is, of course, evaluating the relationship with you as it unfolds, just as you are evaluating the relationship with her. She is looking for signs to help her decide whether you are a man she wants to give her heart to. She is aware of your feelings for your late wife, which could be a cause for concern. But she is also aware that you are a man who was good to your previous wife, and would be good to her as well. There’s something to be said for a “tried and true model.” As long as you continue to be honest with her about your feelings, she will be able to make up her own mind over time whether she wants to continue with you, and commit her life to you.
Now, since you brought it up, you must also be realistic with yourself about your feelings for your late wife vs. your feelings for your new girlfriend. If you begin a new relationship that is a relationship of the heart, and not just a marriage of convenience—such as, for example, a man marrying a woman so that his young children can have a mother to raise them—then you are opening up the possibility that your relationship with your new girlfriend, and potential wife, may grow deeper and closer, until your heart is just as bound up with her as it was with your late wife, if not more so. Other than living a cold, loveless life with a new wife, the only way to be absolutely sure that you won’t leave your previous wife behind emotionally is not to enter into any new relationship.
This, once again, may not be something you want to hear, but the human heart is a strange and complex thing. None of us fully understands our own heart, let alone anyone else’s heart.
Along the same lines, it is quite possible, indeed probable, that your new girlfriend hopes in her heart that if her relationship with you continues, your relationship with your first wife will gradually fade into the background, and your relationship with her will become the primary relationship of your heart. Women commonly know men’s hearts better than they do themselves. If she is willing to continue developing the relationship with you, she may see an opening for her to become your “one and only” over time. And are you really certain that she would be mistaken about this? Once again, the human heart is a strange and complex thing. Who really understands its ways?
Indeed, you said that the reason you haven’t said certain things to your new girlfriend is that there are things you don’t understand. If you thought you fully understood your own heart, and could predict where it could and couldn’t go over time, you would be fooling yourself.
Once again, then, my suggestion would be to tread lightly, and not get too iron-bound about anything, if you intend to go forward with this new relationship. Whatever it ultimately means, you are opening your heart to another woman, and you are allowing her to open her heart to you. That is not something to be trifled with, but something to honor and respect if your decision is to go forward in this direction.
I have read your 3 articles with great interest, as I suddenly lost my wife of 43 years a little over a month ago. We were very much soulmates, like-minded, loved with all our hearts, and shared the same beliefs in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. We were, and I still am, active in our church, and volunteer to help in many ways. In my opinion, I think we are the perfect example of two persons whose souls, hearts, and minds are as one. We took our wedding vows, and our marriage, seriously, and felt the two of us became one.
Being raised in a Baptist church, we were always taught there is no marriage in heaven, but I find your perspective very interesting. We have attended non-denominational, Bible believing churches for many years now, and found them to also hold this belief. But, maybe the words of Jesus COULD be taken as you suggest, as he often spoke in parables, and the ancient Greek or other languages don’t always translate perfectly into modern English. (I WILL be referring to my Strong’s Concordance and verifying much of this). I still remain skeptical of your perspective as it seems mostly based on Swedenborg’s works; and some of his ideas, such as there being no Holy Trinity, are just too anti-Christian for me to swallow. And, as Christians, we are cautioned against those who will claim to be speaking the truth, but actually be working to deceive us. So, that is my main reason for skepticism, but, if your perspective is true, I have a question or two.
Since, according to your statements, my wife would probably now be in the first spiritual level after leaving this world (not sure exactly what you called it), and waiting for her eternal soulmate, should I hurry to end my life here so I can join her? If I were to live another 20 or 25 years, is it possible she may get tired of waiting for me, and choose someone else just so she wouldn’t be lonely? Or are you saying that God will occupy her time until I get there if I am to be her soulmate for eternity? This seems like one major point of confusion for me, and I believe I know who the author of confusion is.
Thank You,
Wilbur
Hi Wilbur,
First, I am sorry to hear about your wife’s death. Forty-three years is a good long time to be together, building your marriage and your oneness with one another. It will be hard to be separated from her physically and socially during the remainder of your life on earth.
About the Trinity, there is a Holy Trinity in God. It’s just that it doesn’t consist of three Persons as has been taught in the Christian Church for so many centuries. The Bible simply doesn’t say this. But there’s no need to dwell on that here.
More to the point of your comment, as stated in the first of the three articles about marriage in heaven, “Didn’t Jesus Say There’s No Marriage in Heaven?” Jesus simply didn’t say that there’s no marriage in heaven. He said that people don’t get married in the resurrection. Even if you read his words literally instead of as a parable, this doesn’t apply to you and your wife. The two of you wouldn’t be getting married in the afterlife anyway because you’re already married.
It is important to read the exact words of the Bible and not add to or subtract from them, as the existing Christian Church has done for so many centuries with so many of the things the Bible says, including Jesus’ words about marriage in the resurrection. Swedenborg’s teachings about marriage in heaven depend upon reading Jesus’ exact words, and on not making the Lord say something that he just didn’t say.
But on to your questions.
In the spiritual world, there is no time and space as we know it here on earth. There, people are close to each other if they are close in love, affection, and beliefs, and distant from another if they have very different loves, affections, and beliefs.
You and your wife were not close just because you lived in the same house and shared the same bed physically. You were close in what you love and believe, in your hopes, goals, and aspirations, and in so many other areas of your thoughts and feelings. That’s why sharing the same home and bed felt right and good to you. People who are very different in their beliefs and motives commonly end out divorced because they just can’t share the same house and the same bed with one another.
This is exactly why if you and your wife “are the perfect example of two persons whose souls, hearts, and minds are as one,” there is no possibility that she would get tired of waiting for you and choose someone else just so she wouldn’t be lonely. If she is one with you, that won’t even be possible for her in the spiritual world, especially as she is there longer and her true inner self and the inner self of everyone else there comes out more fully. Being that close to someone else would just feel completely wrong to her. It would be painful and grating, especially since she has experienced the beauty and joy of being one with you for so many years.
As Swedenborg says in a quote I included in the third article, “Will Happily Married Couples be Together in Heaven?”:
Whether or not you’re inclined to accept Swedenborg as a true Christian teacher, I invite you to consider in your own mind and heart whether these words would be true of you and your wife.
Meanwhile, your wife may be lonely for you, but God will provide her with friends, neighbors, and companions that she can have a good life with while she waits for you to rejoin her. That time will pass much more quickly for her in the bright and beautiful atmosphere of the spiritual world than it will for you here on earth, with all its darkness and struggles. Meanwhile, she is still with you in spirit.
Now about your question of whether you should hurry to end your life here so that you can rejoin her. Although I know this is a great desire and temptation from the author of confusion for many people who have lost their dearly beloved, the answer is a definite “No.”
Our lives are in God’s hands. It is not for us to decide when is the right time for our life here on earth to end. I do not have God’s vision or understanding of your wife’s life and soul and of your life and soul. But if God allowed (not caused) your wife’s life to end at this time, but sees fit you leave you here on earth for an unknown time longer, you can be sure that God has good reasons.
I can’t say what those reasons are. But one very likely reason is that you still have work to do on earth. Yes, the good work you are doing in your church and in the community. But also work within your soul to continue building yourself into the angelic person that God is calling you to be, and that your wife will be living with to eternity.
Yes, it is very hard to continue forward when the love of your life is gone from among us. I can only suggest that whenever you are missing your wife, instead of hurrying to rejoin her, you think of your task and purpose during your remaining years here as becoming the best man and the best husband you can be for her. What exactly that means for you, I’m sure you know much better than I.
When our life here on earth ends, that’s when the pot that the Lord has been forming out of each one of us is fired.
Our time on earth is precious. That’s when we, with the Lord’s help and in the Lord’s power, can make changes to the soft clay of our character. Whatever character is formed here on earth, that will become our permanent character to eternity. That will be the man your wife will live with to eternity. Please, then, make good use of the remaining time God is giving you here to do that work.
I hope you find this helpful. Meanwhile, our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Oh, and I would suggest not trying to debate or convince your pastor about marriage in heaven or anything else. Deeply ingrained beliefs are very hard to change. Ministers, especially, have a hard time changing their beliefs because their job and livelihood depends upon staying true to the particular doctrines of their church. Even if you come to disagree with your pastor and your church on this or that subject, it is best just to hold those beliefs in your own heart, and not make a disturbance about them in the church. No good comes from that.
If it is a good church, you can happily participate in its worship and life without having to agree with everything it believes.
I’ve recently lost my wife of 19 years. We were together 22 total and have 4 kids. She was killed by a drunk driver on her way to get some stuff for the kids. It has been about a month and in this time I’ve seen how deep grief really goes. It’s scary and overwhelming. I am 42 years old-she’s been my love for more than half my young life! If I didn’t have our children (youngest is 5 oldest is 17) I would have chosen to join her in Gods presence. I believe the fact I have them mean I must hold on for her and for them.
I just wanted to say, I’ve been really hurting with the idea of heaven being as I’ve always been taught, where we all love like siblings and are connected through Jesus alone. That marriage and the oneness it creates (spiritually and physically) mean nothing once we die. I always struggled with being told about heaven and marriage, because as you note, Jesus never actually said there is no marriage, he said you will not be given in marriage. Very different point. Also the audience needs to be looked at. They were obviously trying to trap Jesus with their questions.
I thought the idea of eternity as I was taught ways odd-as when He created mankind-he made (eve) for (adam) even though they were in the presence of God. I also always found it odd that people believed that once we were made new in heaven/new earth, that sex was something not on the table-as I believe it was something created by God for us to enjoy with our partners. He didn’t have to have us marry each other-animals don’t spend lives together, they just procreate and move on. Further with the punishment of Eve in particular (childbirth pain) it seems that they knew how the sex worked… I doubt God “remade” them after the fall to have sex organs.
After reading much of your posts on the topic, I really appreciate your insite and teaching in this manner. I understand the Bible does not really speak much on the idea of Heaven and what we will be there, but it just seems off to me that God would stray so far from his idea of union in the garden-one man for one woman.
The bottom line I guess is I really needed to read through your stuff. It gave me hope to know that my bride is still waiting for me to join her in Heaven and I will be able to hold her again.
I don’t know what this means for the rest of my life-I don’t believe I will bother looking for another, but that may change as I my kids grown and I’m alone. Maybe (hopefully) God allows me to be taken home more quickly so I can reunite-and wont have the constant grief that plagues me now.
Hi Andrew,
I am so sorry to hear about your wife’s untimely and tragic death. Some people say that drunkenness is not a sin, but when it kills innocent people and devastates whole families, it certainly is.
And yes, your children need you now more than ever, now that their mother is gone. It’s a very hard road to travel. Unfortunately, it is the road that’s in front of you. I am glad that reading my articles has given you some hope and steadiness in your thinking about these things. You seem to have sensed the truth instinctively, but the so-called “Christian” Church was doing its best to stamp it out of your mind. Fortunately, those “Christian” teachings are human ideas, not divine or biblical ones.
Yes, God created us male and female from the very beginning, and told us to be fruitful and multiply. Sex was not something that entered only after the Fall. It was part of the “very good” world that God created right from the beginning. So many basic statements in the Bible have to be ignored and twisted out of shape to make sex into something evil, dirty, and only for this world. In reality, in the context of a loving marriage, sex is one of the greatest and most beautiful gifts God has given to human beings. And that is just as true in the afterlife as it is here on earth.
You have a difficult path ahead of you. I am glad to hear that you haven’t shut off the possibility of remarrying. You’re young enough that you could still have decades ahead of you on this earth. Even for the sake of your children, especially the young ones, bringing a good woman into their life would not necessarily be a bad thing. She could never substitute for their own mother, but she could bring some consolation both to you and to them.
But that, as they say, is in God’s hands. I know parents who remarried after their beloved wife or husband died, and I know others who did not. One of them who did eventually remarry said to me that what changed his mind was that he realized his deceased wife, whom he loved dearly, would not want him to be constantly suffering and in pain for the rest of his earthly life.
Mainly, I think it’s best not to close yourself off from possibilities that God might have in store for you. Of course, it’s always your choice how to move forward with your life. Only you are walking in your own shoes.
Meanwhile, our thoughts and prayers are with you. If you have any further questions or thoughts along the way, you know where to find me.
Thank you for your reply.
To be honest, its still very very fresh-within a few months. I understand that my thoughts on the topic may change and I may desire another relationship for comfort, physical closeness as well as the well being of my children. However that is something that is very far away for me to even look at. I believe I had the best woman in the world FOR my life for the past 22 years. Although not perfect (as I am not perfect) she fulfilled everything I needed in a partner. We, of course, fought-but as many pastors/therapist who have worked with us on issues noted: “When you and your wife were angry at eachother, working through issues in my office, I always noted the concern you would look at her with if she was getting upset. Always saw how you would redirect the issue at hand towards yourself to soften the blow. I noted when she would look at you when angry, and you were getting upset, her face would change and would get softer. She would touch your knee or back or even start crying herself seeing the pain you were in about the issues. You would always have your knees leaning towards eachother and not away. Even the times where the fights were big and deep, you left holding hands and arrived holding hands.” one of the more recent therapists we were seeing also said “I can choose who I work with in my practice, you guys were a couple I enjoyed working with because it was WORTH my time. Your love is one that I wanted to learn from as we dissected the issues.”
This is not to say our marriage was perfect. We worked very hard to make it the best for each-other. We would schedule “non sex” massage nights where I would massage her but it would not lead to sex-as she enjoyed me touching her but sometimes she just wanted to enjoy that without the idea of sex having to happen. Then we would have just “sex nights” where we would enjoy the intimacy from sex and the oneness it brings.
With all of that-looking for it again seems like trying to win the lottery twice. It was crazy enough how we met (across the world in early chatting days). It was crazy enough somehow it worked and crazy enough we were blessed with our kids. God led us together-I have no doubt of that. Finding someone else just seems like a waste. Not to say I CANT love again, but how would it be fair to the next person? Unless its just a relationship of convenance, where we both have a plain understanding of the partnership we will have?
I’m very much struggling with God right now-I’d say very similar to Lam 3. I just haven’t gotten to the “your blessings are new every morning” yet. I’m still yelling at God. I again thank you for giving my ideas on heaven and marriage some words so I can explain to people why I would desire to (at least now) wait for my bride again. To be honest, she’s all I ever wanted.
Also on the last point-yes I agree, she would want me happy. But the crux is-WOULD I be happy or would I just be faking it and being dishonest or going through the motions for the sake of some idea of her wanting me happy. We had multiple convos about hoping we went together. It was just too soon for it to happen.
Hi Andrew,
Yes, of course. I was only picking up on something you said. But you’re right: this isn’t the time to be thinking about that sort of thing.